Hello - My Story

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Hello - My Story
8
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:46pm
Well, I am sure that alot of you have thought this thought... "I never thought I would be writing on a board like this." So did I, but here I am. My name is Amanda and I live in Florida. Not a native here but, hey who is.

April 17, 2004, a day that will haunt me forever, it is the day that I put my husband in jail, the day that I questioned our marriage...

Here is what happened...

It was 1:00pm and I was watching an afternoon movie, Chuck, my husband was just waking up (he stay up late and sleeps in, even when he has to work he does this)and came out gave me a kiss and looked at the TV.."What are you watching" he says. I gave him a short short version and asked if he could get out of the way...he was standing there blocking the TV with his arms crossed.

He moved and went and sat on the couch. Then asks me more questions on the movie. I answer it and then tell him to please shut up.. ok, that wasnt nice of me, I should have asked him to be quiet, but the questions he was asking were not because he cared or wanted to know about the movie but to just talk. Nothing new there trust me, so i answer them again quickly and then that really starts him getting pissed. Now I didnt answer the question right and he launches in a speech about how my grammer is incorrect, I am ignorant etc.. and yes I just say shut up shut up shut up..he then asks me what I would do if he had the cable disconnected. I said I wouldnt care since he put it to the cheapest one anyways and we dont get alot of stations to begin with, that I would just read more books. His reply to this was to go and rip the cable out from the back of the TV totally breaking the TV.

Then he walks over to where I was on the love seat and took my pack of cigarettes and crumples them up and throws them down..then picks up my cell phone (which is on his plan) looks at it and sends it flying across the room where it hits the opposite wall and shatters..

At this point I start to cry, and oh that just starts him in on my crying..and that means that i need to get my way etc and how i needed to grow up etc. I just went to where my phone landed, picked it up, tried to put it back together to get a signal by the open front door. It didnt work, then I felt the door starting to shut, I remember backing up into the door trying to get back into the house, I didnt want to be outside, I wasn't dressed and why do i always get put out side when he is mad, he is telling me shut up and stay out and how do i like it and that i need to calm down and quit crying..

I keep trying to get into the house and I guess my weight on the door caused bruises on him and then I felt him grab my arm and the next thing I know, I was laying in the peagravel and concret of our walkway..cut, and bleeding..

I was in shock, this has never happened before, he has never laid his hands on me, yelled yes, cursed yes, belittled yes but not this.. I tried to call the police but he wouldnt let me. I ended up doing it when he went to work and he was arrested for Domestic Violence. There is more to this but I have to go now, I have internet at work here and we are going home.. One of the advantages of working for an internet company..

I will post the rest tomorrow.

Bright Blessings

Aquarian Starseed

(Amanda)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:38pm

Hi Aquarian, and welcome -


(One little piece of advice, only because we've had a bit of a problem recently - you may not want to list your H's real name in the post.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:27am
Thanks for telling me not to use the real name.. i didnt even think..sorry

Here is the rest of that day:

After I had filed charges on my H, the police here sent me over night to a DV shelter. After he was arrested they let me go home the next day and my Victims Advocate took me to file a personal RO and my divorce papers.

All was well for two weeks, I had peace in my life, sadness yes, grief yes, and then I got stupid... He walked in to a location I was at and I talked to him, I wanted answers and thought I was strong enough to ask. I found out that I wasnt strong enough at all, when the tears started I thought they were sincere, they may be, but my life has been hell since...

I let him come back to the house, not knowing that there was a criminal no contact order on him, yes he talked me into dropping the civil RO and the divorce. (I know add that to my list of mistakes). When he got back he was adament that I take responsibility for my actions that my pushing the door on him when I was trying to get back into the house was responsible for me getting hurt and the fact that I hurt him physically first but he would never call the cops on his wife, unlike what I did and that I need to stand up and take responsibilty for my actions and let everybody know that he isn't as he calls it, a wife beater.... I believed it..for a few days..that oh man, he was bruised and maybe I did jump the gun, but you know what, I didn't. My injuries would have never happened if he hadn't tried to keep me outside as I was seeing if my smashed cell phone worked. I didnt do anything wrong by trying to get back into the house. I am sorry that he got bruised but, even though I yelled at him to shut up a ton of times, he didn't have any right to act the way he did either...

And yet, when I see him..confusion sets in, I am so tired of having my mind twisted..called names, as in ignorant, i am lucky that i am not dead because i am so stupid..etc. and starting to believe what he wants me too. I fight that everyday..

Now his latest mission is to have me tell everybody that I bruised him with the door first..and hmmmm nobody cares.. they all tell him that his actions were overboard and that even though I did that, well they just cant sympathize with him and ask him why he just didnt get some clothes on and leave...he said i was already out i should have just stayed out..

I emailed the DA today about last nights and this mornings actions. I will attach that text in another post...

thank you all for listening to me..I dont feel so alone now.

Namaste

Aquarian Starseed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:30am
Here is the email I sent my DA Advocate:

Explains my night last night and this morning.

Here is what is going on. We know I made the huge mistake of letting Chuck back into my life, and that I am still "taking care" of his issues instead of letting him deal with them. I have stopped taking care of his issues now and now the world is upside down again.



Yesterday he ran into my boss and asked if Mandy told him what really happened. Tom said he no, the last he knew I was bruised and bleeding when I showed up on his doorstep the day after it happened. He told Chuck that he hoped it worked out but his dad taught him that you never hit, push or abuse a woman. So with that incident in mind here is what happened when I came home...



I walk into the door and yes, I had a stressful day at work with some difficult clients of our sales reps, nothing out of the ordinary, and chuck proceeds to tell me about running into Tom and what Tom said to him. Now come the fun part, It is all my fault (bull***!), if it was him in my place, and he had called the police on me wrongly he would be moving mountains to make sure people understood that he started it first, even though he called the police when he shouldn't have, he would be doing everything to repair my name and damage that he caused..(bull*** again, pardon my French there!). So he wants me to tell Tom about my actions and that I did bruised him first with the door and that he was just trying to get away from me hurting him and I unfortunately got hurt. I said NO!, that I had told people that I pushed the door into him but, I was not going to spend the rest of my life trying to get people to change their opinion of him, that he needed to do that by his own actions not mine.



Wrong thing to say there.... now I am not caring about his feelings, his emotions etc.. he starts yelling at me telling me that I am not a partner and I have no clue how to be responsible for me starting the entire situation. I told him that I was sorry I couldn't do that, I didn't think I did anything wrong...Then I told him that he needed to leave the house and cool down...Wrong thing to say again (even though it is my house, I pay the rent, Christa Bruett my landlord rented it to me!), so he said oh I see how it is now, thanks for the rules every time Amanda doesn't want to own up to her actions I have to leave, cool, great.. your a piece of work... but, he leaves..



I got that again when he finally came home, drunk and then wants to have sex, now that I didn't refuse but the whole time he is telling me that I need to be sorry for what I did and was I sorry...(didn't say anything to that one).



On to this morning 5-14.. I go to kiss him good bye, and he is still sleeping, he wakes up and says you need to go to work and set things right. I just say OK. Then he comes to work, stands here gets the papers comes to my desk and says wow you have a lot to do and goes outside, I follow him telling him to have a good day at work, but I was scratching my back because I had a sunburn, he starts flinching like I have hit him, and says what the hell do you have behind your back? Nothing I reply, I am just scratching, he tells me I am invading his personal space and look shady when I come up to him like that and he is afraid of me now because he knows I can beat his ass with a door... I just turn around and go back inside..



I cant take this anymore, the constant it is my fault, yes I have some responsibility but I did Not ask to be locked out of my house, I wasn't even given and options just doors shutting and yes I wanted back in...yes the door hurt him, how was I to know that, but, he had no right to grab me and send me flying to the ground or react like he did by being told to shut up no matter how bitchy I said it.



I am sorry this is sorry is so long but I had to tell somebody. I made a huge mistake taking him back into the house, day after day it is the same thing. I am so sorry that I didn't have the strength to just say no when I could. Those two weeks that I had by myself were the most peaceful days I have had in years. I really messed that one up.



Thanks for listening...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:48pm

Don't worry about it.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 3:20pm
Well, the fear has set in, I talked to the DA regarding the letter that I sent her and she is scared for me, flat out told me that, I guess he is the type of person who will keep me close just to put me through what he thinks I have falsely done to him, (sending him to jail), and they are very worried.

So my Victims Advocate just called and they are doing midnight "welfare checks" and if they see him there he will be arrested on the spot for violation of the criminal no contact order, which he know is on him. I tried to tell him when we found out about that one after I dropped the RO that he should find a place to stay but, no way..that wasn't an options...well now it is about to be taken out of his hands in a way that I cant be blamed for it.

Oh please say a prayer for me because I am very very scared right now...I am 36 and shouldnt be but I am frightened..

thank you

Aquarian Starseed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 4:44pm
Prayers coming your way for your safety.

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:30pm

OK, if they're that scared, there's a reason for it.


On the board homepage, there's a link to a safety checklist.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 2:18pm
Well guys there has been so much happening since I have last posted here.

So, here we go LOL:

1. My H's mom called me and tried to recruit me to find somebody that could get messages to my H in jail. Hmmmmmm now just what part of that did I want to get involved with? NONE and told her so and asked her not to call me again. OHHHH MAN..you would have thought that I was the most evil person on the face of the earth when I got that that voicemail on my phone, and yes I called it into my advocate and DA and since she lives out of state they arent going to do much yet about it, but they are stepping up their efforts to keep me safe.

2. I have the restraining order back in place and go to make that permanent tomarrow. This will be the first time that I have seen him since I had him arrested. I am not looking forward to the look of hate but, he has control over me no longer and that makes me very happy!

3. Refiled the divorce paperwork and on July 17, I will be a free woman! And that is the final break of the control from my H. I can not wait until that day!

Now for the more bad part:

4. For the first time in my life I was written up for my attendance! Can you believe that one. They were supportive of my situation but, with all the different court dates, interview to do well I guess that support went out the window. And that does hurt me because I have been here for 4 years and have gone above and beyond in my job. But, the flip side is that now I can truly move on. I am in the process of finding another job and actually have an interview on Thursday :-)


Book Review!

I have gotten three of the most incredible books by the author Patricia Evan on Verbal abuse! I am half way done with the one on suvivors speaking out and it is like I am reading my own lifes story with these women. I have to say though that I am grateful that I was able to get out now and see the problems before I was married for 26 years... I am truly blessed.

Much love to all and I will post with how tomorrow goes when I get back to work here.

Seed