Hello...question about TRO

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Hello...question about TRO
12
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:52pm
Hello everyone! I posted for a bit several years ago, but have been gone for a while. I have actually never had a restraining order taken out before, but I filed the papers today and have to be in court Monday morning. I am very nervous, mainly because my ex lives in another state and I am worried I won't be taken seriously that he is a threat. I get threatening emails and phone calls rather frequently, though. My biggest issue is that it isn't necessarily restricted to me. He has delivered threats to me via the children's email accounts, etc. He also addresses all issues with the kids, incl. visitation, child support, etc. He claims I refuse to allow him to see them (actually told them this while he had them for the entire summer) and that he can't afford anything nice because he has to pay all that money (child support) to me so that I can live in the lap of luxery, which amuses me because I am a single parent with two kids, work part time and am working on my master's degree. FAR from the lap of luxery, LOL. Honestly, I have just had more than enough of this and am tired of ignoring it, it isn't going away and the kids are really suffering.
Is there anything in particular I should know for when I go into court or that I should take? I will obviously take copies of all the emails. I have tapes of the kids conversations with him, and I am considering making transcripts to take, but don't know if I should or not. Kind of a sticky area, in my state phone conversations can legally be recorded with only one party consenting, but there has been legal disagreement over whether or not a parent can consent on behalf of a child as they are acting in their best interest. FYI...I didn't start recording the conversations until I realized how bad they were getting. Literally over an hour and a half of talk with one child in which dad NEVER asks what DS is up to, about friends, school, anything. All about poor dad and evil mom, I know you will stand with me against your mom because that is how to show me you love me, etc. Why aren't you willing to be on my side, I thought you loved me but I guess not, etc.
Also, how do I go about serving someone who lives in another state? Do I contact the sheriff of his county and mail the papers?
Thanks for any help:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 3:23am
Hi! I know exactly your situation for I just filed a restraining order against my husband a few weeks ago. I moved three states away four months ago with my youngest daughter and 20 yr old son, soon followed by his twin brother and my oldest daughter a few weeks later.
My H has always been abusive in one way or another but because we moved I wasn't sure I could get an order placed against him......all he was really doing was calling and making me and the kids miserable....but one Sunday night he made 37 phone calls and left extremely aggressive threats to each and every member of this household on the answering machine. To the point of naming the persons he would 'do away with' if they got in his way....I had had enough. It's one thing to threaten me, it's another to make remarks like that against the people I care about in life.
I went to court and got the order I asked for without any trouble. I had already reported the incident to the local pokice and they made a recording of the messages he left. I suggest you do the same. Make a police report. The court didn't question the issue since it was reported to the police.
When my husband was served with the papers, he contested the order and took me back into the courtroom for a hearing on the matter. Once again I had the police report and the recording with me as evidence along with my 13 yr old daughter who heard all of these statements many times over. And just like your child, her father never asked about her day or what she was up to, it was always about me and who I was dating (or doing) because I refused to talk to him. I remember hearing her tell him one time..."Don't even go there dad....if you don't want to talk to me about me, I'm going to hang up" Needless to say she hung up a few minutes later. At this hearing the judge asked why he thought she should reverse the order and he buried himself with stupidity. He said he didn't 'mean' he was going to hurt anyone, he was just DRUNK.
Just because you are not living closeby does not mean he is not abusing you and your kids. The judge should grant your request but make sure you document everything and take any witnesses with you, even your kids if necessary. Our kids deserve to be left alone and not drug into the chaos of our lives, any judge should see that and grant you that order. He is using them as control tactics to get to you.......the worst kind of abuse in my mind.
As far as serving the restraining order goes, I faxed a copy to the sheriff's office where he lives from the domestic volence counseling center in my town at no cost. No service fees and the center faxed it for nothing - may be the same for you, try it....GOOD LUCK!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 9:44am

I have no idea what the laws are in your state, or in the state he lives in. That is up to the courts to decide and handle. You'll find out more Monday.

Now, about the abusive phone calls and e-mails....

1. Why are you answering the phone when he calls? If you don't have caller ID, get it installed immediately and when he calls, don't answer...simple. Or, even better, get an unlisted number.

2. Why have you not blocked his e-mail address? Your internet provider can assist you with that task if necessary. Until they are blocked, DELETE them. Why are you reading them in the first place?

3. Who is this guy anyway? Your husband, ex husband, boyfriend or ?

4. Why are you allowing your children to take his calls since they are so abusive?

I don't understand why you are not blocking this creep out of your lives.

Or, do you miss him and want any kind of contact you can have....do you think so little of yourself that you will lower yourself to picking up the toxic crumbs he throws at your feet?

You need to take control, not let him control you. The decision is up to you, and only you can do something about it.

Oh, and by the way....restraining orders are a piece of paper....most of these losers laugh and ignore them. So, don't think by the courts issuing a TRO that you will be rid of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 11:00am

1. Why are you answering the phone when he calls? If you don't have caller ID, get it installed immediately and when he calls, don't answer...simple. Or, even better, get an unlisted number.

Usually it is one of the kids that answers. I don't speak with him on the phone, so the only time I hear him is if he does it with them or leaves me a message.

2. Why have you not blocked his e-mail address? Your internet provider can assist you with that task if necessary. Until they are blocked, DELETE them. Why are you reading them in the first place?

Because we do have two children, and I read them because it might be one of the few times it is a legitimate question. I have told him repeatedly I will only communicate with him by email and only about the kids, so if I cut off email then I am basically refusing to discuss kid issues with him. Not to mention, I have a pending custody motion, and the more harassing emails I can show in court the more likely I will get the supervised visitation I am requesting. So I read them, print them, and save them in my file.

3. Who is this guy anyway? Your husband, ex husband, boyfriend or ?

Sorry I wasn't clear...ex husband. We've been divorced for four years.

4. Why are you allowing your children to take his calls since they are so abusive?

Because our current custody order says he gets to talk to them. If I prevent it, then I am the one in the wrong. But I do what my attorney says and stand by, and as soon as I hear it turn then I take the phone away and end the call.

I don't understand why you are not blocking this creep out of your lives.

Or, do you miss him and want any kind of contact you can have....do you think so little of yourself that you will lower yourself to picking up the toxic crumbs he throws at your feet?

Absolutely don't want him back:) In fact, the most recent problems began when I became engaged, apparently he told his entire family we were getting back together. So I have definitely moved on, and want him out of our lives. I have a fantastic man now. But like I said, right now he has visitation and phone calls with the kids. I HAVE filed all the paperwork and requested an emergency hearing, if all goes well then he will only have supervised visitation and I will simply block his phone number. I also had it put in the restraining order that he can email me regarding the childrens health/care/education only, but any other topic would be a violation. So I will then block him from the kids accounts, but will have to leave him on mine, but if he mentions anything that doesn't involve the above issues then I will def. call the police.

I know they aren't often obeyed, however my ex is military, and this will have a serious effect on him because he will be forbidden to carry a weapon. Plus, his command will know and they will crack down on it. Rumor has it, and I say that because he told a kid and so I don't know if it is accurate, that he got in trouble out there and had to take anger management classes so they are well aware of his problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 1:52pm
Thanks:)
Yes, I think the threats are the worst...it was just getting physical when I filed for divorce.
Glad to hear it wasn't hard to have him served...I figured I would have to get it to the sheriff where he lives, but didn't know if I would have to mail it, which would mean several additional days before he gets served or what.
I really want him served on Monday because he will be getting the motion to restrict custody delivered to him on Monday, and I know that will not go over well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 10:32pm

You know, you really are quite rude.

People come here looking for support not to have to deal with that.

As for you concern about why I have not cut him completely out of my life, you may think they are piddly excuses, but they are legitimate. He LEGALLY has a right to know what is going on with his kids. He LEGALLY has a right to talk with them. Yes, you may say any judge would not condemn me for ending it, but I actually work in a court room, my boss is a judge, and I can tell you that one person violating a custody agreement is the same as another. I have a FAR better chance at getting supervised visits only for him if I play by the rules.

If you read what I wrote, I don't put up with it. As soon as his talks with the kids turn bad, I end the call immediately. And honestly, I don't even read his emails. I do open them, when I see the contents I simply print and file. I maybe read five words. But now I have proof of what he is doing because going into court and saying he told me this and he says he didn't, who knows who is telling the truth? When I can present the emails, then I am the one telling the truth. So I beg to differ with you, it would be utterly ignorant to block his address or delete without reading.

As for not trying to get him out of my life, did you not realize the whole purpose of my post in the first place? Because I had filed for a restraining order and have court tomorrow? Because I had filed for an emergency custody hearing so that I can LEGALLY not allow him to contact the kids? So that I LEGALLY don't have to inform him of what is going on?

I'm sorry...you may have had good luck with just doing what you want and hope the justice system sides with you, but I have seen WAY too many cases come before my boss that people like you end up losing in a major way because of the way they went about it. Yes, judges want to protect kids, but a LOT of custodial parents have so many violations going into the court room, all in the name of protecting their kids, that when it comes before the judge, it just looks like that parent is trying to end the relationship between the kids and the other parent without any evidence at all of anything bad going on.

Whereas what I am doing, on the advise of the DA and my boss, the judge, I go into court having made every effort to let him be a decent father, and having written and recorded proof that he is using those opportunities for his own gain only and without any concern about the kids. Of the two cases, who do you think is going to win?

As for my fiance leaving me because of my baggage, that would be an indication of a rather shallow relationship. I had an idiot ex when we met, it didn't come as a surprise to him later on. He also has an ex, very similar to mine, the only difference is she just torments him and leaves the kids out of it, which is a huge improvement. However, my ex is 2000 miles away and his is 5. We deal with her every day, and I have never considered leaving him because of her either, even when she calls at midnight because her friends invited her out and she needs us to take the kids, waking us up from a sound sleep.

In the future, it would be more beneficial if you actually posted advice to people instead of being so incredibly rude. Yes, sometimes the best advice is not what the original poster wanted to hear, but it still can be said in a nice manner, you are just plain rude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 1:10am

"And just like your child, her father never asked about her day or what she was up to, it was always about me and who I was dating (or doing) because I refused to talk to him."

I'm having this same problem and it's really getting under my skin. I wish my daughter were old enough to respond the way your daughter did.It makes me abso-flippin-lutley sick that this man pumps my baby for info, and all the while she thinks daddy wants to talk to her because he loves and misses her.

I have a recorder that I use when I speak to him, but I'm not sure if it's legal for me to tape the conversations between him and my children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:57am
I do not know a lot about RO law, having thankfully not needed one. You might begin by checking out www.womenslaw.org . They can at least tell you about the law in your state.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:36am
Thanks for the website:) I have several, but that one is really comprehensive! I am sure, if he lived in the same city, nobody woould hesitate to give me a protection order, I have all his emails and phone messages (my voicemail is delivered to my email as an attachment, which is fantastic in this situation!!) my only concern was the distance thing, whether they will really think he is a threat from the other side of the country, he is east coast and we are in the midwest.
Well, I will find out soon, I have court in an hour!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 7:00pm

I was just reading your latest post and saw that you work for a judge! That is great, bc I know you were curious about some of the legal system, I bet working in a court environment will help you a lot!

Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 8:38pm

Yes, it does work out well. We don't handle custody issues but a variety of other issues (county court) so I have learned from watching who wins and who doesn't, those who come unprepared without evidence never win. In these situations, it is up to the person requesting the restraining order to prove their case, and if you don't have evidence, there is no proof and you won't win.

So, while it is very hard for some women to read those emails, learn to scan, then just save and print. Back up is key:)

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