Help, Confused???
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Help, Confused???
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:46pm |
Hi everyone. I'm really confused about Unconditional Love. I've been with a man who has lied, cheated with two different women, abuses drugs and alcohol, and has even been caught by me dealing a little to his closest buddies. We have had arguments twice about his dealings and he said he would never do it again! Ha Ha!!! I don't claim to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but some thimgs are just so obvious you just can't help but see them. He says I look for things to end this relationship and I strongly disagree! He puts them right out on the table for me to see "These Things." We were together for 5 years and 5 months. I do not uses drugs and I seldom drink. After about 3-1/2 years maybe 4 years I seen the negative side of alcohol. There was verbal and physical violence. He would apoligize the next day and said alcohol can't be a part of this relationship. Numerous times has this been a problem within this relationship! He would tell me he can't drink because like the story goes "Instant A**hole, Just add alcohol." That's off of this lips. He would also tell me he won't even have any in the frig for the friends who would stop by. Then he would buy some and wonder why I would get upset. This man I loved more than anyone I had ever been with before. When drugs and alcohol are not involved, we are like 2 peas in a pod and so much in love. When his issues are involved we mix like water and oil! I lived with him for the last year and was supposed to get married in July, but obviously that did not happen. Thank GOD!! I moved out 2 weeks ago, all my stuff is moved. I just couldn't take it anymore. After 3-1/2 to 4 years of this relationship when the issues of alcohol became obvious, he told me he had went to rehab in 1989 for this and had quit for 8 years. When we 1st met he did drink socialably and handled his alcohol. Now it has spun out of control. He didn't drink everyday and somedays when he drank it would be only 2-3, and other days he would be hammered by 3:00 p.m. A year ago in July he losst his job he had been at for 24 years. He was involved in a hit and run accident and got caught at his place of employment and security was involved as well as the local police dept. They searched his vehicle and found a joint. Needless to say, work drug tested him and terminated his employment. Now that I've moved out he is calling my cell phone and one minute yelling at me because he needs someone to love him unconditionally, then the next minute he wants to change and work this thing out between us. He was mentally and physically abused as a child, he is seeing a physocoligist adressing this issue, but just started. He has told his counselor about me moving out and the counselor has told him he sabotoged it himself. I feel bad for him and my heart really aches for him. I just loved him so much, and I understand that he has an illness, but what can I do? I feel I can't do anything. Only if I were to put my own wants and needs aside. As well as my morals and values. He calls me everything you could possibly imagine because I can't love unconditionally! I feel some things can be overlooked, but not the above mentioned issues. I value myself to much, and what I believe in. I'm 37 and he's 44. I have 2 children ages 9 and 14. The relationships my ex had with my boys was fantastic, now in the last 1-1/2 - 2 years has slowly dwindled away. My 2 children couldn't wait to go away. I had to move on for a healthier place for me and my boys. Was I to rash and tough? I tried everything for just about 2 years to get him to want to help himself and get this relationship back to where it was. One day he was for it the next day he would be this ugly person because he wanted to drink and knew he shouldn't or couldn't. He makes me feel crazy sometimes, he's very munipulative. He would start a big fight and I would go away. Now he could drink, sleaze or what ever called him to do was now justified. (By him) I was that mean person and I left. I'm so confused and find myself questioning my actions. Am I that mean girl for leaving and not loving uncontionally????? I still love the person I met 5-1/2 years ago and realize that person isn't here. It's real hard to let go of what we had, but real easy to let go of what we've become. Please help me to understand. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, and sorry this is so longggggg.

Hi Heartfelt and welcome -
I do not blame you in the LEAST for getting out of there with those boys.
CL-Blueliner4