Help me deal with my guilt over leaving

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Help me deal with my guilt over leaving
6
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:28am

I have posted here a few times before - relatively infrequently because I am terrifed of being found out by my SO. To give you a very brief history of my situation-

I have been with and lived with my SO for 6 years. I have almost left him several times but have always backed out because I feel guilty for leaving him or I get sucked in by his not wanting me to go and the few nice days he gives me when he is insecure and thinks I am leaving. My relationship with this man is mostly intolerable. I feel like I need to walk on eggshells all the time at home - that I can never ever be me. I am belittled, criticized, and told that I am wrong all the time. I am wrong about everything from my opinion to the way I drive my car, the fact that I sometimes like to read a book, my job and its requirements, my feelings, the way I act during sex, and anything else you can think of to add to this list. I am the house drudge. It is my job to do all chores and cleaning and even take care of his kids who live with us- without appreciation or thanks. I pay more than half of the expenses in our home even though many are to care for his kids and even though his salary is higher than mine. I have been threatened, he has cut phone cords and the couch with a knife, he has broken more objects than I can think about (frequently the phone). He does little to nothing for me and seems to think it is normal that he does not know what he could do for me to make me happy in the relationship because apparently I keep everything a secret and read too much. I have been told that he has nothing to give me (with a tone of complete exhaustion and how could you ask that of me) for the last 6 years. Yet I know he is capable of giving because I see him give to his kids and family. I am left out of family celebrations (there are no pictures of me during them for example) and while I celebrate his birthday and the kids he usually complains about how hard it is to give me a card and the kids have never so much as wished me a happy birthday. But - I am supposed to make sacrifices of my time, money and energy any time the kids want or need something from me. Over the last 6 years I have seen myself become a shadow of the woman that I used to be. I have seen my identity disappear as all of my energy has been poured into making this man happy so that I can have some peace in my life.

Obviously, if you have read this far, this is horrible. I know this. I know that it is abusive. I believe that he is a Narcissist and therefore unable to see me as a person with feelings and needs - or as anything more than a useful piece of furniture. I have an apartment I can move into next week. I have successfully found the money to do this, gotten a lease and I have a team of friends and family who will help me and who support me. Sounds great, right?

I feel more scared to death than I have ever felt before in my life!!! Please help. My logical side says to run but my emotional side is so plagued with guilt - will he be ok without me? I don't want to hurt him, etc. I am so used to putting myself last, that even now, when I know for a fact that I am doing the right thing I feel so paralyzed and feel such gut wrenching misery over leaving him. How do I get through this part? Is this normal? I really could use some support. I am afraid of backing out and keeping myself in this lifeless prison for the reast of my life. And while that seems scary- why is it that leaving and hurting him seems so much more horrible and unacceptable to me. He has an idea that I am going (I blurted something out during a fight 2 weeks ago) - so right now he is Mr. Insecurity. He can't let me walk through a room without touching or kssing me and wants to talk about this (ie. get me to take his opinion over mine) all the time. I am afraid of a big blowup or of breaking down. He is good at saying the right things and getting me to believe him for a while and getting me to break down in tears until all I can do anymore is cling to him because otherwise my pain is too terrible to bear.

Thank you for letting me post here. I really need to say these things and probably read them to myself again later too. If anyone has any ideas or help or simply knows what this feels like I would love to hear from you.

I think I am out of steam for the moment.

Dememter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 3:20pm

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing...it is gutwrenching,it is emotional and it is the bravest, most courageous thing you will do - taking back your life. This is a man you wanted tospend your life with, you are walking away from hopes and dreams BUT you are also taking steps toward new dreams, toward redisvocering YOU and who are now. I totally feel for you, I have been there. I remember the night I left. It took me months to build the courage to leave as my life spiralled out of control, as he got more andmore violent wiht me and our two children. I finally worked up a plan and the night he went out of town I put it all together but Ifound myself paralyzed wiht grief, my heart was breaking but it was breaking for what should have been not what it was. That was almost two years ago and I will tell you now that for a long time I had nightmares about my marriage but do you want to know the very worst nightmare? The nightmare I still have is that I wake up and I never left. It is the most horrible nightmare ever. To have what I have now - my freedom, peace, true happiness, to know what I know now is precious.

Do it. Leave. Leave and never look back. Take that step and find happiness again. You are so strong and brave and yo have come this far. He will never change but you have a whole life before you filled with wonderful things. Dont let guilt change that. Soon after Ileft my xh lost his job, his home (our home) and then went to jail and I wasted too much energy trying to save him while we were married to do it once I was out. THEY are responsible for their lives, not us. My xh eventually pulled it together enough but he still is abusive and I waste no energy on his sorry life.

I hope this helped. I know guilt is a crushing burden but take it step by step and you will find that it will get easier. He will survive you know, they all do. When I would feel guilt I would remember how he had me on me knees one night and i begged him to not hurt me any more. There I was a smart, kind loving person on my knee begging for dignity from the one person who was supposed to love me most. That memory kills the guilt every time.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 6:05pm

Hang in there and know you're not alone. I left my H after nearly 21 years of marriage and moved out September 1st into an apartment. It has been a huge adjustment for me and it's hard on my children as well (I have them part of the time with me). I have been wanting to leave for the last five years but kept waiting for the kids to get bigger. I was married to a mean person too and have been walking around carrying this corpse of a marriage on my shoulders.

I am supposed to be starting a support group at a local women's shelter to help me deal with all the hurt and guilt I've experienced. I am also seeing a therapist one-on-one to help me. I have reached out to my family and friends because I know I cannot do this alone. I have done alot of journaling and have recorded my goals for peace in my future. I know I deserve so much better than I've had. I kept telling him the last few years that one day my cup would runneth over and it did.

When he saw that I emotionally checked out this past summer, he filed divorce on me to scare me and then said, "We don't have to go through with this, you know." It was one more control tactic of his. You know what? He did me a huge favor and I'm going through with the divorce (and it has been very ugly). The crazy part is that I still feel guilty - - like it's my fault that I drove him to filing. It is mainly for this reason that I am seeking counseling and help.

I am determined to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. You too deserve so much better. I'm willing to go through this pain now so that I can have a better life down the road. Hang in there and don't be afraid to accept all the support you can get. But do know that you are not alone in your fears.

Bel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:00pm

I left my abusive ex 5 months ago, and I felt EXACTLY the same as you do right now. I worried that he wouldn't be able to make it without me, I worried that I was doing the wrong thing, I worried that I was a terrible person...and I want you to know that these fears are all nonesense.

He will get on fine without you. Mine wouldn't even eat unless I cooked.When he was not working (basically always) he never did a thing all day but sleep and then be PO'd by the time I got home and he still hadn't even made himself a meal. Sadly, breaking it off with guys like this is not only healthy for us, but it's a huge wake up call for them.

Guilt ate me up inside too, but in the end I realized that it was him or me, and I chose myself for the first time ever. The freedom you'll feel is overwhelming. It's as if God himself put His hand down and scooped me into happiness. Of course it's also scary as we're so used to being controlled and belittled all the time...making your own choices is an amazing thing and you'll feel so empowered.

Remember that when you do leave, he will beg you back in every way he can imagine. He will try so hard to get back into your life and do all sorts of things to try and prove it. DON'T DO IT. I went back once before, and nothing was any different, if anything things were worse. He was going to counseling, he was working, he confessed to everyone, he went to church...and within one month it was back to the same thing again.

Remember that you can feel guilty and upset for a while, or you can feel angry, alone and belittled the rest of your life. I made my choice, and I feel free for the first time in 6 years.

Love & hugs,
Thegirlwholived

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:08am
Welcome back, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 7:43pm

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am finally able to get to the computer today - he has been on top of me every minute of the day today. Literally- he held me down and told me he would kiss me until I couldn't stand it anymore - this after a discussion of how I cannot deal with sex and feel dirty and awful and horrible. It is mind boggling how little he sees or understands or actually cares about me. I want to stop banging my head against this brick wall. I want to stop feeling guilty and crying. I want to deprogram myself so that I can think of me first and not only of him and his comfort. I constantly find myself afraid and unhappy and then comforting him because he is upset that I could dare to feel afraid and unhappy.

It really helps to know that there are other women out there who understand.

Thank you -
Demeter

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 7:45pm

Thank you for your response. It helps to know that other women have gotten through this as much as I would never ever wish this emotional torture on anyone. He knows I want to leave and is constantly torturing me emotionally. I wish I had the courage just to grab my bags and go right now. I wish i didn't have this totally unrealistic and probably unhealthy desire for closure. I don't think there ever will be.

Thank you for your support. I will write more later.

Demeter