Help Me Get My Mind Straight

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2010
Help Me Get My Mind Straight
Thu, 10-28-2010 - 11:18am

I left my ex this weekend. February would have been 3 yeasr in this relationship.

We met at work, the day I started he had professed interest in me. I wasn't feeling it, and his attentions made me nervous. I avoided him for 5 months, then one day I said hi to him on the metro, and you would have thought God himself talked to this man.

I believe he really did love me. Maybe still does. But he is sick. He's an alcoholic and has never dealt with it.

In reading the profile of an abuser on the site, so many of the behaviors match him.

Beliefs of Abusers

Anger causes violence!
-He would often say that he wanted to put his fist through a wall.

Women are manipulative! -He often said I was trying to lobotomize him.

If I don't control her, she'll control me! -He would joke about how women were supposed to be submissive. "What happened to the good old days?"

Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting! -It was ok for him to growl and fly off the handle, but any time I expressed frustrations with my duties as a mom and household manager he said I was taking my frustrations out on him. Got so I couldn't say anything. The night we fought he completely shattered the baby gate to the kitchen, it was in two pieces across the living room floor.

Sometimes there's no alternative to violence! -The night I left he threatened to kill me, and said the same thing to two other people.

Women are just as abusive as men! -I fought back and he made out worse than me, so that was his MO for the weekend, the reason why he wanted to kill me. He was bleeding, I wasn't. But I still have injuries, they just showed up next day.

Women want to be dominated by men! -"Good old days."

Somebody has to be in charge! -See above.

Jealousy is natural to men! -He was jealous of the attention I gave our son. Claimed we left him out, but all he did was sit on the couch and drink anyway.

Violence is a breakdown in communications! -What he kept posting on facebook, that this was just a breakdown in communication.

Men can't change if women won't! -He accused me of tryiing to change him and focusing on only his faults. I tried to build him up, he kept pushing me away.

Just how dangerous is he?

If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might
. That night, before the cops were called, he pinned me on the floor and threatened to kill me. He called me a b*tch and told me to rot in hell. He also told a friend he was going to snap my neck, and he told my cousin that he had a knife and was waiting for me.

Does he ever fantasize or ‘joke’ about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out. -He posted on facebook this weekend that he had nothing to live for, he told my cousin that he had drank 4 40 oz beers (this made a total of 8 for the night) and he'd had 5 xanax. He also told her he was going to go to the ER because he was suicial. He didn't go for that, though. He tore his ACL (probably in the fight) and was so drunk they wouldn't give him painkillers.

Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out! -See above, not to mention he has been depressed for a while. Even my therapist noted it when I talked to her.

Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it. -I know he drinks on the job now...I'm so sad for him.

How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages? -His temper is horrible, he will get mad at the simplest thing but let the big things go.

This man lied to me from day one. I won't even get into the things he lied about, too much to put here.

I took out a protective order (72 hour one) on him, and I think he resisted service because they arrested him. He wants me to meet him at the court, but I told him that if I do I'll ask for him to be put into counseling and alcohol treatment, to have to report weekly that he's gone. I'm also filing for sole custody with structured visitation to be re-visited in a year's time. If his therapist can attest to his health and progress, we can start with day visits...for a year. If after that there have been no lapses or problems he can keep him over night. My son is autistic, so I need for him to be able to talk and tell me what's going on.

I'm staying at a friend's right now. Am going to seek out housing in the next few weeks or so. He called everyone whose number he could find who knew me this weekend trying to seek pity from them and making threats against me, that he was going to leave me homeless (well I am now), take my child (not with what's on record), and scariest of all, kill me. Because of that I wrote our mutual colleagues and told them what happened, asked them not to help him. I was afraid he'd say I'd kidnapped his child and he couldn't afford a lawyer, and they'd help him. He's very manipulative, I can see that now.

I'm numb at the moment but there are times when it hurts really badly. I saw the red flags and ignored them. My son hid in the closet that night. He's not even two yet. My ex's mother told me to not go back when I called her that night (after I escaped out the bedroom window...cops came twice, did nothing but push him back in the house on me, yell at me and tell me to lock the bedroom door and work it out in the morning), but once he sobered up she tried to blame me. I shall never speak to that woman again, and I'll be ****ed if she gets near my kid. Come for structured visitation as well, heifer.

He's sober and remorseful now.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 10-28-2010 - 12:28pm

Hi Mommy, and kudos to you for getting out.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2010
Thu, 10-28-2010 - 9:19pm
Hey Mama Harmony,

My ex does not know where I am. No one really does except my mother. I promise to keep in touch. My son has his appointment with Children's in December, so we'll know more then. Thank you for your prayers, they are most appreciated.

Today was a good day and a hard day as well. I feel like there's been a death in the family, it's that type of grief, the grief that comes when there's a void left in your life. Today was a beautiful warm sunny day where I am, but my heart felt so sad. I've been talking to God, praying for protection and guidance. I'm lucky that I'm so close to my church, I acutally lived in another state (I live in a tri-state area), and getting to my church was hard. That is not the case for now.

I'm looking into shelters, there is actually one in the state I'm in now that takes people from all across the country. The ones in my state would only take people within the county. I might see if I can relocate here. We are safe here, and I will not let my ex know where I am for a long time, if ever.

Have a blessed evening and see you tomorrow.

Steven's Mommy
Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 10-28-2010 - 10:29pm
Be sure and try to locate a domestic abuse shelter. They're usually a more home-like setting. Also, they are usually only for women and children AND they are more understanding about you being on the run and don't have residency requirements. is a good resource to search on a state by state basis. Good luck, keep us posted.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Sat, 07-02-2011 - 12:06pm