Help me please . . .

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Help me please . . .
3
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 6:31pm
I can't believe how down in the dumps I am. There is SO much that I am unhappy about and the biggest thing is that I can't even tell my husband because he will not be able to handle it. That says it all. My husband should be the one I can talk to, yet I can't. Why can't I just up and leave? Why do I continue to care and worry about him? I don't want this to get too long, but it probably will. So, get yourself a drink and sit back with me.

This co-worker at work that has been absolutely wonderful in regards to my home personal problems asked me to think about a question - the question was - Can I name anyone in the building that we work at that doesn't like me. Well, I had to think for a minute, came up with a couple of people that may not like me and that was it. Until about 2 hours later, and I thought of someone else that doesn't like me. Me. I think that this may be one of the pieces of my problem. I don't like me. Now, here are some reasons why. When I was in high school, I swore I would never get married and I did NOT want kids. Now, 5 years after graduating - I was married and had a child on the way. I chose to have that child to try to please my husband. He didn't say he wanted any kids, but he seemed so happy whenever he was around his sisters baby, I thought he would be a great dad. I was wrong. Did I learn? No. 5 years later child #2. Did I learn? No. Another 5 years later, and with him begging me this time as he wanted a son to name after him, I was pregnant again. And went into a postpartum depression that lasted 9 months. It was horrible and dark and he didn't do anything to help me out of it. Now I am back in that dark hole again. Many days I'm ok, but then there are days like yesterday and today. Last night, we were on our way home. My ds says "I call the TV" because it has the dish and some premium channels on it. His father immediately goes into sulk mood. My son is 11 years old, dad could have stood up for himself and said, no, I want to watch that tv. But oh no, he just sulked, used the computer than went in and fell asleep on MY side of the bed. I spent 45 minutes trying to hook up a tv to record a show to vcr. I was in tears because it shouldn't have been that difficult and wouldn't it have been nice if he offered to do it for me - but oh no, he had a headache and wasn't feeling good. Ok. So, now I'm in a sourpuss mood and come up and what do I do? I take it out on my son. I tell him it is wrong that an 11 year old calls the $2000 TV from the man who pays for the TV and he needed to consider that when he was calling the TV and perhaps he should realize that he has all afternoon to watch the tv until dad gets home, blah, blah, blah and about then he starts crying. I say - don't do that. That isn't how you need to handle this but he couldn't stop. And he said he was sorry and went running out of the room to his room saying "tell dad he can have HIS tv." See. Dad controlled me to slam my son and yet he was asleep in the bedroom. How stupid of me. I yell at my kids to try to please and unpleaseable (is that a word?) man. I don't like who I have become. And I'm afraid that I will never be able to get away. I'm in way too deep. I was so down today, I turned the volume off on my phone, well, dh called, but I didn't hear the phone ringing so when I called him he was "where were you?" I said "right here, seems the volume on my phone was turned down" because I didn't want to tell him I was in a foul mood (Once again, protecting him because he "can't handle it"). See, I don't like me. I lie. I can't tell the truth. How can anyone like me? Especially when I don't like me. I don't want to live like this. No, I don't want to die. I just don't know how to get out of this mess. I'm afraid I'm hopeless. I just want to cry and sleep. And I don't do either of those very well.

Ok, vented long enough. No, I'm not sure I feel any better. But now it is in writing and I can come back and read it. Maybe I'll see the stupidness and walk if I pretend that I'm reading someone else's post. Maybe I'll see this mess for what it is. One big fat lie.

Thanks for being here to let me vent. I know I can count on everyone here.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:12pm

Aw, what a poopy way to start a weekend.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:14pm
Just wanted to send hugs your way. This sounds very stressful for you and i'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Glad you are venting all of these emotions out on here. It helps. I wish i had some advice to help you feel better but i don't think i do. Til this day i stil don't know how i coped with being in an abusive relationship. I do remember that all i wanted to do was sleep but ex would get mad at me if i slept when he wasn't. I couldn't win either way. You may now say that you're way in too deep but there is always a way out. Its never impossible to leave an abusive relationship. You have more strength than you realize Pam. Take yourself a nice warm bubblebath with your favorite tunes and imagine you're some where else for the night. Do something nice for yourself, something that PLEASES you and not your husband. Take care and many many hugs, Tia.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:51pm
Pam,

How many times I went through my life to figure out what I did wrong, just like you. What you are reacting to is so normal. This is a process you have to go through. Something is clicking inside you saying that the life you are leading is so wrong. Follow that path. Get a good DV counselor. These are things you need to do. Your path will be so much easier. I was where you were and it is a horrible place. Don't let it take you down. There is light at the end of the tunnel. A whole lot more challenges, but a definite bright light. The right and wrong in the world is how the person looking at it conceives it. A very hard concept when you spent your life looking through someone elses eyes, but you can do it.