help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
help me understand
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 2:14pm

I just need some understanding. I was married almost 9 years. He was nice at first, then we got married. He started out demanding I get everything for him. He would text me or yell to me from downstairs to get him water. I had to bring his plates to him, give him back rubs every night which turned into body rubs. I felt like his slave.
If I didn't do what he said or disagreed with him or didn't understand something, had wrong tone of voice whatever it was- he would started yelling at me- call me bi%*&, cun&, stupid, things like that. He would put his fists up threatening to hit me if I didn't do something right or didn't shut up even if I wasn't even talking.
He put holes in the walls, broke remotes- all in rage-he never actually hit me though. After a while he made me start bathing him.
About a year before I left he stopped having sex. Said if I wanted it -which I didn't cause I hated it- then I had to make a grand gesture like walk around naked or wake him up in middle of night. He acted like I was being punished. He smirked about it.
Without warning or time to think he would sneak up behind me and shove his hand down my pants to play or pull my bra up. He would hold me where I couldn't move - then he would pull out and laugh, like it was a game. Eventually that's how all his hugs became.
He used my crotch as a way to get me to do things. If I said no he would say 'ookkk you have 3 seconds or you know what is going to happen' or he would just grab it. He knew it bothered me. On came the little panics and he seemed to love it.

This is how he was to me, I took the brunt of it. To my kids he would ignore, yell at, as they got older he would order them around to wait on him. I finally left, long story. But I'm gone, he sees them a little.

He had always and still does - act around other people like he's father of the year and was an amazing husband. He doesn't seem to show them what he showed me, he tells people I abandoned him. I'm the bad guy, I take his money every month, I am the reason he's alone. Sometimes I wish he had just hit me so someone could see what he did - it's not just in my head.
I just need help understanding. I want to move on but I get set backs. I don't know how or even want to talk about it.
I'm terrified of a man touching me, I have a hard time taking to men. Which is bad because I have to work with them. My best friends daughter graduates today and I'm going to make up an excuse why not to go to party because I don't know how to act around everybody- anxiety, everything I say is stupid, how do I sit or stand. So many men there.

What was it all, was it emotional abuse cause I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel stuck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 11:26am

'You don't even realize it but every thought that you are thinking are based on him and how he thinks.'- I never thought about that. I do sometimes have "what the....." moments. I was talking to someone once and was saying 'oh, well my memory is awful. I tend to get things mixed up.' But then I remembered my ex is the one who says that- so maybe I'm not as mixed- up in the head but its just something I heard so much I took it as my own.
That's really creepy actually. That you can change how you think because someone else changed it, manipulation.

Makes me question a lot, trying to see what is real and what is 'planted'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 7:47am

I am so sorry you are going through this. My story was very similar to yours and healing from this takes time and work. Don't try to understand him and his antics. They are not about you, they are about him. Definitely find a good counselor that specializes in abuse. I made several calls before I found the one that I wanted. I know it's impossible to have completely no contact, but make it as little as possible. The next thing start thinking about you and not him. You don't even realize it but every thought that you are thinking are based on him and how he thinks. This is a real hard thing to do and it took me a long time but needs to be done.

I too had a very difficult time dealing with anything that even hinted that there might be some type of confrontation. I owned a store at the time and I had a really hard time just calling to find out why something hadn't been shipped yet. Time and healing will help with this problem.

I remember being told to love that lady in the mirror. You can and will get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 10:01pm

<p>Thank you for your kind words</p><p></p>

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 9:55am


It was "Abuse" and he is still abusing you...:(...

What he did to you was and is's not your fault and the way in which he treated you makes you think and feel ALL men are like HIM...they are not!...

It sounds like you may be suffering from PTSD...and it's no wonder everything you have been through...

In the back of our minds sometimes we can still hear their voices and the messages they gave us.

You are NONE of the things he called you or told was ALL to control and manipulate you...

My heart goes out to you and I am so sad you had to go through this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Mon, 06-10-2013 - 12:08am

Thank you for the advice. I really needed it, I will look and see if I can find a therapist I can afford. I thought about taking self defense or karate. Maybe it will help me feel stronger, then I get freaked out about it. I dont know.
Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 10:03pm
Venting is good...and this is a safe place to vent all you judgment or condemnation... Time to set up new boundaries...he has manipulated you so long that he has you programmed to jump when he snaps his fingers...time to end it all...I am assuming you are legally divorced and he visitations are court ordered...that is fine...stop letting him come to the house to pick up the can meet at a local fast food joint, or possibly even the police station. that way you are in public and he wont pull his BS....when he calls, keep all calls, texts, e-mails etc strictly about the kids...when he starts talking about you or himself end the call...the first time you can be nice and tell him that all conversations are to be strictly about the children and nothing else and you will end the conversation the moment it becomes about anything will need to let your daughter know it is ok to not talk about mom, she can find a safe way to tell dad "I dont know" when he asks his questions...teach your children how to be safe around dad when they have to be there. I cannot emphasize enough how important you get into will not be able to heal from what you have been through alone. You will need someone well versed in domestic abuse and apparently rape as well...I can tell from your posts you struggle with PTSD, the fact you posted "I lost my mind" when your daughter said something about rape tells me you are still struggling with PTSD from that trauma as well.... You did not get messed up over one day and it will take more than one day to heal from the damage done. Cut yourself some slack and know it is not nor was it ever YOU, it is all about the abuser...Please seek some healthy counseling for yourself, you need it just as much if not more than your kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 9:25pm

I try and ignore him when he comes to get the kids. He tries flirting with me. I really try and keep the peace because I'm scared he will lash out, he gets mad when I try and get off phone with him. Really mad when I say something he doesn't like. So he's nice until I open my mouth. Unless we are around other people cause of course he's an awesome an then. Its something about me.

He calls about once a month to lecture me on what I'm doing wrong, gets mad that the kids are in therapy. He doesn't even know them well.  I have 3 kids, the one that is not on autism spectrum he tends to drill. Why is mommy not dating, your mom should be doing this and this. He wants to know what I spend 'his' money on- its child support.  He won't give them their prescriptions- my 13 yr old is in charge of everything. She comes home depressed.

I live with parents-- scared to get own place cause I don't know if I can get him to leave. He makes me feel so stupid and like I can't live in this world without him- like he's waiting for me to come to my senses. He laughs when he gets Kids- says now I can go on a date.

That's where I get stuck too- I want to tell him to get lost but I can't. 

I went to therapy a little then felt like I hit a wall. Like I just lost all my thinking- didn't wanna talk, felt like I was wasting her time. Plus he kept telling my kids I didn't need therapy, he never did anything wrong. So that made me think I was exaggerating. Like he wasn't waking me up every night screaming at me, or cornering me threatening to hit me. Blaa blaa.

I know I am a good mom, they get everything they need and I try hard to not talk about him to them. Its so frustrating to have to defend myself all the time. I feel like I'm lying and he's constantly manipulating me and my kids.  But I don't always see it until its too late. 

Sorry I'm sporatic and going on.... I cannot talk to anybody I know about this. They don't know everything either. I'm venting.

On that note! He is perverted. Talks about rape and molestation like its a joke.I jumped down my daughters throat once cause I heard her say 'they raped.....'  I can't remember what it was- I was raped before him- I just lost my mind for a moment. We had a long talk about why it was wrong. Then a couple months later I heard my 6 yr old say it.  

I started school, losing weight, everyone gets cranky at me cause I have to be fully clothed- I have to wear a sweatshirt out of house cause I feel too 'open'.

I can't control anything and its so hard. I feel like he has in a corner. Maybe that's all in my head.

Thank you for listening to me, just venting helps get it out of my head,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 12:11pm

Yes he emotionally and mentally abused you. He still is. As long as you are still focued on what he is or is not doing, in private or public, then you are giving him power and permission to continue abusing you. You need to seek out counseling for yourself, and try to be sure that counselor is REALLY educated in Domestic Abuse, and you also might need to go through some PTSD treatments as well. Turn your focus onto yourself and making yourself well from what you had to struggle through and forget him. He does not deserve your time, attention, or energy and truly never did. It is time to step up an start taking care of YOU.