Help! not sure what to do....
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Help! not sure what to do....
| Wed, 05-18-2005 - 3:35pm |
Im not sure where to begin. I have been doing alot of reading about Domestic/Emotional abuse. And all of the questions and traits describe my H to a T! He is not physiclly abusive, but he has thrown or broken things in the past. Most of his tactics are subtle. He will come across as being helpful or concerned for my safty or even that hes joking. He questions every detail of where i have been or did if i am 5 min late. He tells me that if I go to town and am going to drop the kids off at my moms to at least take the oldest. (I have a 7 yr old and a 19 mo. old) He has a fit if he finds out i go somewhere alone. He gets up and checks my cell phone in the middle of the night. When i brought this up he said it was no difference than checking a caller ID on a home phone. We have had numerous fights in the past. with every one he would yell, throw things, pack his stuff and threatened to leave and get a divorce, then he would cry and say he was sorry and sware to change, but i needed to help him change. Every time I would say ok, lets start over and give it another chance things would get better. That would last for a couple of weeks till it slowly went back to the same way as before. Our last fight he found out that I had been talking to another guy threw email. (an old friend that i had ran into, and we started talking casually over email since he now lives out of state) I didnt tell H about this because he accusses me of having affairs or sleeping with any guy that i smile at. Alot of things i wont bring up or say anything about just because i want to avoid a confrontation. I got to where i hated seeing the look on my daughters face when we fought and i didnt want her going threw that so i learned jsut to keep quiet. After he found an email he started crying and begging me not to leave him. I told him it was nothing and that we were just friends. he just kept saying not to leave him cause he didnt know what he would do without me. I told him that i wasnt sure if i wanted to stay. He said if i left he would kill himself. I told him that i would give it one more chance...yet again and that things had to change. I told him everything i didnt like with the way he treated me and he said he would be better and this time it was for good. He then asked me to send an email to the guy and tell him i could no longer talk to him, which i did. That was over 2 months ago, and things have gotten better but i can already see things getting bad again.Now anytime he starts to get mad or says something hurtful, if i say something about it he will say hes "just joking". And to be honest Im just waiting for the bomb to drop. After 7 yrs of dealing with him and everything he has done I feel emotionally drained. I guess my questions for those that have been threw this is 1)even if he is changeing, is it ok for me to still want to leave? and 2)how do i leave?? how do i tell him that i want a divorce if he's already threatened to kill himself? I dont want to hurt him...sounds crazy i know after all the hurt he's put me threw....but Im not sure what he would be capable of if i leave.

Welcome to the board Hug...
I can tell in the undertone of your post alone that you are emotionally exhausted and I know what that feels like.
Hi hug,
Your H is a very controlling person. I think what you should do is educate yourself on the different types of abuse. You could do a search online or I think they have something here about different signs.
When your ready to leave your husband, you'll know when the time is right.
I kicked my EX out 7 years ago, after having a RO on him twice. I was with him for 12 years, before I finally said ENOUGH.
His saying he'll kill himself is a control tactic, so that you won't leave.
And having your daughter see all of this is NOT good for her. I have five children with my EX. My son is currently adopted because of all he saw. Messed him up pretty bad. He was violent, and sexually abusive to his younger twin siblings. My oldest daughter, Jennifer, she wants to go back to a guy who treated her VERY badly. What does that tell you? Please try to get out as soon as you can.
HUgs,
Lori
Mom to Jennifer, 18, Kristina, 15, Ryan, 13, Marissa,9, Caitlyn, 9, and Isabel 19 months
"Im not sure what he would be capable of if i leave."
That's exactly it, hon. You don't know. So the way you tell him is to let the sheriff's department do it - when they serve him with the RO or the divorce summons. Get him ejected from the house if you can, if not get yourself and the kids out. Are you in touch with a DV center? Get help planning.
"He gets up and checks my cell phone in the middle of the night. When i brought this up he said it was no difference than checking a caller ID on a home phone."
Um, yeah, it is different. One's normal, the other is nuts.
Of course you don't want to hurt him, and of course you want a divorce. No conflict there. Imagine a child who dumps sand all over other children and hits them with buckets, then acts like the injured party when they leave the sandbox. That's what you're dealing with.
My x threatened suicide and I stayed for 2 more years because of it. I had to get to a point where I realized that first of all, he probably wouldn't do it; second, I wasn't the one killing him if he did; and third, that he did not deserve a lifelong victim just because he was twisted enough to say something so filthy evil. I pacified my sense of compassion by reminding myself that abusing did him no real good either, and that by taking his victim away, I was doing him a good turn - the only one he even remotely deserved from me.
Take care of you, hon.
Hi hugmetight:
I just posted about my husband trying a new tactic. He has been threatening to kill himself for awhile now...He has been threatening (and sometimes staging for my benefit) to jump off bridges, drive until he crashes, hang himself, take too much medication, put a knife through him, cut his wrists. I'm not sure if he will actually go through with it but I think not. He has also been acting like he is going insane for the past year or so. I think that is a new tactic to get my sympathy or maybe its so I will feel too guilty abandoning him in such a state. Up to now his working the guilt has been doing a good job on me. Its my observation that abusers pick women like me who are low on self esteem and easily made to feel guilty so they can get our sympathy and get us to do what they want. That along with their threats is how they establish control. I too have learned to bite my tongue for years so my kids would not have to listen to the ugly arguments. After all that my husband has done in 26 years I still have no wish to hurt him or damage his reputation. I just wanted you to know that there are people on this board who know what you are feeling and going through. Hang in there.