Helping DS through this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Helping DS through this...
3
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 6:30pm
Perhaps some of you can help me with some of these questions I have. I am getting ready to leave H. Probably in the next month or so. He is verbal/emotional and periodically physically abusive to me and 10 yo DS. A few things:

DS had a major episode this weekend. Shoving me, calling me names, slamming furniture into the wall, hitting, refusing to do anything I asked, telling me to just hit him. Really ugly. Really heartbreaking. Certainly tells me that I am doing the right thing by leaving. Later that night, we were talking, and he talked again about some of the things that H has done/said to him. DS said he can't do anything wrong during the day (while I am at work) or dad will hurt him, so he has to keep it all in and that is why he is so mad when he is with me. He's scared. Most recent thing was H picked him up by his arm and leg and dropped him on a pile of hard toys. Hurt his ribs and arms and legs.

Anyway, I know we are getting out soon. I can see that day coming and I have promised DS that things will get better soon. But I wonder about handling his outbursts. As it stands now, due to the behavior this weekend, he is grounded for two weeks. But I feel bad, because I know there are external reasons why he is behaving this way. Then again, I feel like there needs to be consequences for him acting so violent and disrespectful. Anyone with experience dealing with this stuff? I am at a loss, very worried about him, and frankly, DS is fairly big and A) I am not sure I could restrain him if he really went berserk on me and B) he could hurt me if he wanted to, even though I am a large woman.

*Sigh* I really wish I would have gotten out earlier. I'm afraid DS is going to have some very intense, lasting problems because I waited so long.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:25pm

Well, the only thing I can recommend is once you guys are out, get him into specialized counseling for kid survivors of DV (shelters should be able to refer you).

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:24am
Hi Mg,

Sorry to see that you are having a tough time with DS. First of all, don't take it personally how he is reacting. His whole world is getting ready to change and he knows it. Keep him grounded, but spend some time with him taking him to a movie and talking with him. The worse thing you can do is give in because of guilt. There will always be some underlying factor when they throw their little fits. It could be something as simple as testing your limits. Make sure he knows he is grounded because of his actions, no matter what the reason behind them.

Also, keep in perspective some of this is normal, just intensified because of the situation you are in. Remember, you are talking to a 10 year old and when he is telling you things that H has done he also probably feels a little guilty like he is going against his dad. It will take him a while to understand that he can still love him, but by no means has to accept his behavior. He needs to figure this part out all by himself, and he will.

It's a hard road, hang in there, concentrate on your move and you will win in the end. DS is only 10 and with your loving care, he will become a fine young man.


Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:12pm
Mg,

You are doing the right thing. He did something that was out of line, and he needs to be punished. If you are worried about it, just remember that you can show a lot of love and kindness without backing down. He's grounded but you're not acting angry or hateful. This teaches him that you won't be pushed around (literally or figuratively) which will be even more important in the next month when you are the sole disciplinarian. You sound like a wonderful mother. Don't worry, he knows you love him.

By the way, congratulations on being so close to getting out. I wish you the best.

Becky