Helping kids cope...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Helping kids cope...
6
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 2:37am
Maybe cope isn't exactly the right word. Closer might be how to keep them from picking up his habits. I can kind of deal with my DD's reactions to things. She gets scared and feels sad and I can relate to that, I guess, and talk to her about that.

But my DS, who is 10, has started screaming at me. Calling me names. Won't do anything I ask him to do. Says "make me." Has started getting physical with his sisters, and not in a normal kids getting physical kind of way. Today he grabbed his 4yo sister by the arm and squeezed really hard.

He feels guilty afterward, but then that doesn't stop him from doing it. He just seems to be getting angrier and angrier over time. H has been physical with DS. And that upsets him. Is it wrong to point out to DS that he is doing to his sisters what his dad does to him? That he is making them feel the way he feels.

Any other advice on how to deal with these behaviors until I get to the point where I can get some counseling for DS? I am so worried that he is turning into his Dad. He's only 10 and I can see things getting dangerous by the time he is a teenager. Oh man, what a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:29am
Please consider getting "When Mom Hurts Dad" by Lundy Bancroft. It is his newest book and the book does an excellent job of helping me understand how to help my kids. If you haven't read his other book "Why Does He Do That", most of us here who have read it strongly recommend it too.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:46am
Huge mgnorth. Please contact a shelter near you as soon as you can and talk to them! The longer your children are around their abusive father, the more he is going to influence them. You need to call a shelter, ask to talk with an abuse counselor for yourself and that you need to find counseling for your children. You have to stop this now before it goes further.

Your son showing signs of remorse after the fact is showing that if you act now, you may find help for not only your son but your daughters too. The longer you stay, the worse it will get.

The shelter's have many, many resources besides offering safe haven. They can help you find abuse counseling, legal resources and can also help you find safety should you and your children need too.

Please also read all you can on this boards homepage as there are many articles and links that can also help you through times like this. You need to learn more about abuse and how it effects all within your family.

Hope this helps, Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:18am
hi. i'm in a similar situation. my advice to you is to get out of this. walking away will show your kids this is not acceptable. call your nearest shelter and get counseling for yourself and your kids. not only will your son grow to be like his father but your daughters will grow and accept this behavoir in future relationships. you have to break this cycle.

my kids started counseling last week. actually today will begin our thrid week. at the first session i realized i needed counseling more then they did. to build my strength up. so i wouldn't accept this type of behavior. please call your local shelters. there are places out there that will offer services next to nothing. i'm a single mom with three kids and have searched high and low and found places to help me. you can do it. good luck.

your kids need love from you right now. read on the homepage, it's has a lot of useful info about this.

mel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:00pm
"When Dad Hurts Mom" - these are great suggestions, detoutesmeforces, those books are the best.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:31am

I completely understand your frustration with this.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:51am
Hugs, Mgnorth. Bama had some excellent advice for you.

I don't have any kids, but I *did* grow up with an abusive relationship. My mother's ex-husband (my former stepfather) was *extremely* abusive to her (and to me as well), and she did whatever she had to do in order to keep the peace in our house. So, I believe that I got alot of my "coping" abilities from her. I don't think I would have put up with nearly as much from my XH if I had not seen my mom do so from her XH. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to both of us, to the point where my mom was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder after she left him. Her counselor told her she had been abused, and she was just floored. She had no idea her XH was being abusive, because she didn't have any bruises. So, obviously, she tried to "normalize" his behavior, and I followed her example to the letter. She had already been through one divorce (with my Dad) and didn't want to be divorced again, so she did whatever she had to do to stay married to that jerk.

If I could go back and change one thing about my childhood, I would have gotten my Mom to divorce him immediately. They were married for 13 years (got married when I was 7, divorced when I was 20), so I really grew up around that stuff. He tried to put on a good show at first, until he won her over. Then, he completely changed for the worse. (Sounds familiar, I bet!) By that time, she didn't see a future for herself without him. The older I got, the more I wondered why she stayed. Finally, shortly before I moved out of the house (I was 19 or 20 at the time), she broke down into tears during one of these conversations, and she said, "I don't know where I would go or what I would do . . . I'm just so scared!" That's when I knew that she had secretly wanted to leave him all along, but just didn't have the strength to yet. She finally did leave him, about two weeks after I moved out. I just wish it had been sooner.

So, don't underestimate the impact of an abusive relationship on your kids. It *will* have lasting effects. I would try to minimize the amount of time they spend with their dad, and make sure they get counseling ASAP! Good luck to you.

Love & Hugs,

Emm