Here's My Story

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Here's My Story
3
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:50pm
I was married to a very manipulative, controlling, abusive man for 7 yrs. I got out 3 yrs ago and we are divorced now. The problem is we went through a long custody battle, and he ended up having the kids 3 weekends out of each month. Well now he is abusing me through my children. He says things to the kids to make them not want to come back to me. They have a very hard time coming back, crying and saying they don't want to be with me. He says things like "they aren't going to be with you much longer anyway" and "the kids don't want to be with you." It is absolutely horrible. They come back to me kicking and screaming. I'm a good mom, there is no reason why they wouldn't want to be with me. It's draining me emotionally. I've told them this in court, the judge tends to minimize it and nothing has really been done. My Ex is very articulate and professional looking, no one ever believes he can be abusive. But this kind of abuse he is putting me through now is far worse than any physical abuse he has put me through. Actually, I probably should not have divorced him. To have my kids turned against me like this is my worst nightmare. I'm documenting everything, and tape recording conversations. I've been at some really low points and sometimes feel like I don't want to live anymore. I can't handle all this turmoil he is putting the kids through. The kids refer to my house as "mommy's house" and their dad's is "their house." The kids call his gf of 9 months "mommy." When the kids are at their dad's he goes to sleep leaving the kids up unsupervised after he goes to bed. He has told me he has gotten up at 3am and the kids were still up. There is nothing I can really do about all this. I've tried different things, counseling, going to court, going to DCF. I can't live like this anymore. The turmoil and stress in my life now is overwhelming. It is consuming me. I thought I had stress when I was married to him, but now I don't even have control over my own kids. My youngest daughter has actually thrown up during one of these Sunday night transitions, because she was so upset. Another time she peed her pants in the backseat of my truck on the way home from one of these ordeals. I just don't know what to do. I'm horribly depressed and cannot focus on anything else. I can see myself slowly giving up. I don't know what else to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 2:02pm

You need to turn copies of everything over to your attorney because it is against the law for him to alienate the children's affections from you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 4:06pm
I know you have heard plenty from me on other boards. I just want to say again, do not give up. You have got to do whatever is needed to take good care of yourself, because without YOU your kids will be living in hell 7 days a week. They can survive the weekends, they can learn to survive the transitions, IF they have you to go to at the end of it.

Their father wants them to throw fits and act miserable, and so they do it. Sooner or later, they will adjust. Maybe sooner if you have them in counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 8:30am
Hi Jody, I have a couple of thoughts on this that may help. How old are your children? If they attend school or day care, why not try to make the transition that way. What I mean is you drop them a school/daycare on Friday morning and he picks them up, keeps them for the weekend and takes them back there Monday morning. When I started doing this it took so much pressure off me and the kids. It does mean another over night with him but, the 'tramatic eposodes' and tension are completely gone. The children are affected by witnessing abuse and every driveway meeting was taken as an opportunity for stbx to further abuse me. He lives to see you upset. These transition eposides are causing great harm. Part of the behaviour you see could be them trying to please their father by treating you badly, as he obviously wants them to. If you take his witness/influence away, it has to help.

It's also imparative to institute NO CONTACT. It is possible, even with children. Communication via email ONLY. That way you will never have to hear things like, "they aren't going to be with you much longer anyway" and "the kids don't want to be with you." These comments are bait. You react as any normal person would and he tells the kids, "see, she is crazy, hateful, blah, blah..." It's just bunk designed to upset you and undermine your relationship with your children. Take away the opportunity.(plus you'll have everything in writing - proof of a pattern by his own hand)

I recall once having to discipline my oldest son and he screamed at me, "I hate you, I want to go live at Dad's!" it was like a dagger to my very soul. Only God could have kept me calm and put the words in my mounth. I just said, "I can see that you are very angry with me right now. Do you get angry at Dad like this sometimes?" he said yes so I asked him, "when you are angry with Daddy, do you want to come here?" he said yes. Well, I hugged him and told him that I know how hard this must be for him.(He still had to stay in his room though)

"I'm a good mom, there is no reason why they wouldn't want to be with me." THIS IS THE TRUTH! Dwell on it. Just because we leave the abuser it does not mean he will act differently. Remember, it had nothing to do with you or anything you did or did not do. It is who he is and you will never get him to stop acting the way he does. The only thing you can change is you and how you act. He didn't treat you with respect and you left him. He's still not treating you with respect. Get farther away!

Also, I found it helpful to be completely honest with my boys about their father and how he treated me and treats others. I don't bad mouth him but I do, as calmly, non-maliciously and matter-of-factly as I can manage, tell them the truth. For instance, if he were to tell them that I didn't want or love them. I calmly reply, "Well, that's not true. I don't know why daddy would say that but, then again, Daddy does lie sometimes, doesn't he." and I leave it at that. They've been lied to so I'm not telling them anything they don't already know. Or I'll say something like, "well, you know Daddy hurt me when we were together and I guess he still wants to do that" When I'm feeling really benevolent I'll add, "I think we should pray for Daddy, don't you?" The point is, they must be confused, your actions don't match his words. These kind of non-malicious comments validate their doubts about what their dad is saying about you.

He is an abuser. He is not capable of selfless unconditional love. It is all about control, maipulation and ownership. Make no mistake that, just as you were, these children have been conditioned to accept that life is much more peacful if you jump through Dad's hoops. Actions speak louder than words though. If he's the mean, shallow, unpredictable, fly off the handle control freak and you are the consistant, kind, unconditionally loving, safe refuge, which one do you think they'll ultimately be drawn toward? How do you think it will affect their desire for a relationship with him when they realize you are not at all what he says you are, that he's been lying to them all along?

With out the contact, I am out of the cycle of trying to compete or defend. I focus on my relationship with my boys and teaching them how to treat people right. They put two and two together and figure out themselves that Dad sometimes doesn't treat people right. As they get older, I know it will become clearer without me having to do a thing. Stbx's actions will speak for themselves. So, I just focus on loving them unconditionally and letting them know that I am consistant and fair.

Do not give up! Those kids need you, whether they realize it or not. You are the only example of a non-abusive parent that they have! Detach! No contact! Do what ever you can to get yourself away from this continued abuse so you can be strong for your children.

Keep looking up^, Susan.