He's gone. now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
He's gone. now what?
4
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:08pm
hi. i have been reading on this site for a few days now. all the stories have horrified me but i have also learned a lot. my h is currently in jail for DV. i have been with him for 9 yrs and married for 4.5. we have 2 sons and my oldest (5yrs old) is the one who called the police. (while we were fighting-good for him!) the apt is mine and he is on no tresspasing but what do i do now. i have a court hearing monday for a OP and to get CS but i am so confused about what i really want/need to do. i thought i was ready but now i dont know. i know that i dont want him to come back here. i am so tired of walking on egg shells and having to do EVERYTHING by myself. i mean, he even makes more money than i do but i pay ALL the bills and take care of the kids while he either sits on the couch, plays on the computer or plays his video games. i want to be free but is an OP really neccesary.

he isnt like it all the time. (u knew i was going to say that but....) he can be good to the kids...i feel myself wanting to make excuses for him even now but i know that there is no excuse. i love him, why? i really dont know. i think i am just used to him being around. i am all he has because his family has disowned him from the last time he went to jail. they bailed him out and he came back to me.( he was the reason he was put in there and they blammed me for calling the cops.) i know that it wasnt my fault but i still wonder what i could have done differently. should i send him money? should i go see him? or should i just stay away? i asked my son what he wanted and he said he doesnt want daddy to come back.... i feel like i am dieing inside but then again, i was able to buy things for the house this weekend. something i havent been able to do in months, and you know....it felt really good!

anyway, just need a little advice from the ones that have been there.

thanks,

shay
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:45pm

Shay, right now it's a very hard time for you, confusing, frustrating and frightening.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:48pm

The next few months are going to be the scariest for you, and the most exciting.


First, get that OP and enforce it by establishing a rule of NO CONTACT.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:58am
thanks mama and tracy...i have felt better with not going to see hiim although my son was sad b/c we didnt. i told him daddy was in timeout for being mean to mommy. he says he understands but i dont know. i am going for counsleing on wed. i am looking into some for him too. i sat and thought about all the things i have gone through and didnt realize it had been soo much. i realized the abuse started a long time before we got married and the funny thing is i knew i was makig a mistake when i married him. when they asked me do i blah, blah blah, it took me about 5 sec to say i do. i should have listened then but didnt. i know what i want and i want to be happy, which i have been since he hasnt been there. i am not happy that he is in jail, but i am glad that he is not here to berrate me.

i will continue to learn about what i have been through and try to understand what is going on in my head.

shay
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 10:09am
Do what your son wants. Stay away, get the divorce. Move on.

I should have done that but I didn't and things got worse. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope you have enough internal fortitude to leave. I didn't, which is why I am so adamant about you, and all the girls here, to leave their abusers. If you stay, you set the tone for the rest of the relationship. You are saying it's OK for them to hit you, for them to lie to you, for them to use you, for them to not be a participant in your lives. It's NOT OK. He has to know that.

Good Luck and be safe.