He's At It Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
He's At It Again
14
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:18am
Whelp, sitting here at work after having only 4 hours of sleep - and it took 5 sleep aid tablets for me to get that. He got furious with me (hubby of 4 years) because I made a "date" to take our 3 y.o. daughter on a boat ride with my sister and her family next Sunday afternoon. He said I was "putting her in danger". She will have a life vest on - law requires it for anybody under 12, my sister and her family are careful, and our daughter was really excited about getting to go. I got mad at him back - accused him of trying to distance me from my family, and told him I was sick of going to his family's house and never to see my family - fair is fair. He's making me out to be the abuser - yes, he made me so mad I threw a clothes hamper across our bedroom - didn't even come close to hitting him - he, of course, threatened to have me locked up for assault if I ever hit him - I never have - he's not worth it. And I knocked a long magnet off the banister again, because he was making me furious. He's always the one threatening to leave - it would really crush our daughter. I have told him if he doesn't like things then leave - nobody's holding a gun to his head to stay there. I'm sorry - I did call him a loser and deserter if he left. He doesn't like my 18 y.o. son living with us while he goes to college - I tried to send him away, my son hated it and came back home to go to college here. My son is gone to his friend's house every weekend anyway - Friday night to Sunday night. He goes to his friend's house every night and comes home around 11. My husband, of course, flew into it and said he doesn't have any "say" around the house - I told him, no, not when you're talking of throwing my son out - that's wrong. DH says he doesn't want to leave - we're his family - but then gets mad at me when I give my son money because he has to drive to school and eat something during the day.

And I'm sorry I blew up when I had given our daughter a bath, gotten her ready for bed, read to her, put her to bed, and I came out and the living room was a mess, coffee not made for the next morning, dog was not let in (it's his dog - she's short haired and I thought it was getting down to 50). I told him it wasn't right for me to totally take care of her and him not do a darn thing but sit on the couch like a lazy butt (actually I said a___). Then yesterday I asked him if he wanted a divorce - he says for me just to say the word - coward! He's putting all the heavy stuff on me. I have worked and slaved and gone without because of this family - and I will continue to do so but I expect him to treat me with respect which he's not doing. Gee, can you tell I'm stressed???!! Sorry this is so long and thank you for venting. Constructive comments are welcome - please don't "rake me over the coals" - I get that enough at home. I feel shell-shocked today - things go so well and then, Blam! Back at it again!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:26pm
People usually don't get raked over the coals on this board as far as I can see. My ex husband was like that too, just dead weight. He never helped out. Plus all the negative comments, the putdowns, the control, the picking fights and trying to blame you--------all I can say it's a huge drain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:41pm
He does help out most of the time - that's what makes it all so confusing and hard. He'll do dishes, laundry, pick up stuff at the store, give me money if I really need it, etc, but if he's in a bad mood or doesn't like something I or our daughter does (much less my son), he can be a real a___ and I think I plainly told him that last night....I feel bad that I don't kick him out over my son - but his financial support definitely helps with the bills, etc. I just wonder how bad things will eventually get - when our daughter isn't so "cute", etc. With my ex who I stayed married to 23 years, at the very end I got a call at 5 am from his girlfriend's mother wanting to know where her daughter was - she was 17 or so then, us around 38. What's so bad is by that time he had treated me so terribly I really didn't care! It was just the "out" I needed to tell him to get the hell out of the house and never come back. Jerk, left me with $133,000 in debt, but I was glad to take it just to keep the house and get rid of him. I just feel so weak I can't tell this one to get the heck out too - I've told him if he doesn't like things to leave, but he says he doesn't want to - we're his family. I suffer from depression too, which doesn't help. I can't tell if I'm depressed because I have to deal with that on a daily basis anyway, or if he really is treating me that bad. Drives me nuts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:05pm

Hi Chic -


The depression's a side effect of his treatment of you, and it sounds like you're getting worse.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:21pm
Me too - if I can't sleep tonite I will - they are over the counter cheapo things that are like benadryl, but I do have my doctor's permission to up my dosage of elavil and I may do that for a few days. I just don't like being pushed to the point of yelling and doing stuff I know is wrong or having that kind of sparring anyway - what's so bad is he IS invited - was from the first. And I expect him to go see my family and act nice to them like I do for his family - don't think that's too much to ask. Sigh, it's been awhile since I've had to post - I had hoped this crap was over. Stupid, meaningless I was looking forward to having a relaxing day yesterday. I think I shocked him yesterday morning after that mess I put dd in the bathtub, got her out and we got dressed and I took her to McDonald's - he ran and got in the car with us. He probably thought I would mope around all morning because I had been so "bad" - NOT. My mom said "what goes around comes around", and he's going to pay for his ways. Already is - one thing that's making him jealous is our daughter clings to me whenever we're together - always saying "I want Mamma to do that..." - I can't help it I've not tried to get her to be like that, but I've been her main caregiver so it's natural for her to come to me. He said something about I was going to turn her against him - I told him you're doing a pretty good job of doing that yourself - he's never physical with her, but is too stern when he corrects her sometimes. I'm just tired I'll be better once I've gotten some rest tonite. Sorry this is so long - it helps to write.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:56pm
I still have such a hard time not thinking/believing it's all my fault - how can you convince yourself otherwise???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:33pm

Honestly?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:05am
How sweet of you all to be there - I really appreciate it you don't know how much knowing you are there helps when going through difficult times. You couldn't have asked for a better man last night - made dinner, played with our daughter, did dishes, etc. Did all the stuff the other person that's not putting our daughter to be should. Just wish it would stay like that forever - I'd not be back on this board but to say Hi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:55am
Hi there. Blue is right when she says that the best way to see things clearly is to step away from them. That's near impossible when you are living in the middle of it. Abusers sense when we are detaching/distancing ourselves and will use a variety of tactics to suck us back into the confusion. Writing/journaling is a fabulous way to gain clarity. it's hard to deny when it's in black and white.

As for keeping a handle on where the blame lies, if you have not read Lundy Bancroft's book, get it as soon as possible. It's called, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men". If you have read it, do it again!

The depression is something I can really relate to. I was severely depressed while I was still with stbx. It got so bad that I was a suicide risk near the end. I stayed far too long 'for the sake of my children'. I was up to 200 mg of Zoloft a day and was complaining to my Doctor that it wasn't working anymore. I was afraid for my life. It was being sucked right out of me and I felt helpless to stop it. I was dying inside. Living with abuse is so very painful and life-threatening in so many ways. I'm worried about your use of sleeping pills too. If you can't sleep, taking a pill just masks the symptom it doesn't deal with the cause. Please find some counseling through a shelter in your area.

In the end, I left for the sake of my children. What kind of life would they have been condemned to, with me gone and only him left to raise them? They'd live a life of never being good enough, being used and abused, and never being accepted or loved unconditionally. They'd grow to be dysfunctional adults struggling with the same crap while thinking it's normal and acceptable. I'm an adult and it was killing me. How could a child ever survive to have a healthy and fulfilling life?

The day I said to myself, "THAT'S ENOUGH! I'm done with this! He is slowly killing me and those boys need me and I want to live.", I asked him to leave and I quit taking the Zoloft and I started counselling.(I do not recommend quiting anti-depressants cold turkey) Now, looking back, it is so clear exactly what the cause of the depression was. It's so clear that the problem wasn't me at all. It was him.

Oh, I'm not perfect and there are times that I'm likely very hard to live with (you know, PMS) I still get sad now and then and I have days when I feel depressed about circumstances but, I've not needed medication since that day. Now, whatever I'm going through is just temporary. I'm strong and I can get through anything that's temporary. Back then I think it's because I knew subconsciously for a very long time, before I admitted it to myself, that it would never change. That was as good as my life was ever going to be. No wonder depression is one of the major and inescapable side effects of living with an abuser. After I was out and people commented on the change in me I used to joke and say, "Hey, it turns out I wasn't in a state of depression at all, I was just in a really, really bad marriage".

About the boat, I've been boating with my boys since they were 1,2&3 years old. Always wear the PFD and it's safer than riding in a car. His attitude and reaction is exactly what you suspect it to be - tactics. It's the "Isolate the victim from all sources of friendship/validation/support" tactic combined with the ever popular, and unfortunately often effective "negligent/seflfish/uncaring parent accusation" tactic. Abusers hate it when everyone else has fun that they didn't orchesrtate and can't control. Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. The day of your boating excursion, I'd just do the same thing you did about the trip to McDonalds. Don't justify and explain. Just get ready to go and then you can chuckle knowingly while you watch him running down the drive to hop in the car and come with you.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:18pm
Thank you so much for your post. Unfortunately my depression is most likely hereditary - my dad has it, sister and my grandmother had it too. I've been on anti-depressants for 18 years, and will be on it as long as I'm in the job I'm in (legislative budget analyst). I was able to work off it once, but then I took this job and it wasn't a week I had to start taking them again because of the stress. Thank goodness it's not always that bad, but they do want you to jump through flaming hoops at times. Our marriage has gotten better since the beginning - good lord was that a roller coaster - now it's only sometimes we have the blow ups. He was accusing me of cheating on him - until I broke a dinner plate on the living room table - reckon he won't do that again. He has no idea I post on here, but thank goodness I have this outlet. See you probably soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:06am
I personally would not want to be in a relationship where I break a dinner plate to put a stop to unfounded accusations of cheating. It's a violation of me to make accusations out of nowhere just to keep me confused and weak, it sets an inappropriate atmosphere in the home when one person is deliberately breaking items, and lastly while it may seem a solution, there will be more inappropriate behavior down the road since that is the nature of the personality, and what will I have to break then to put a stop to it? Plus now some one is stuck cleaning up a plate, and making sure all the little fragments are thrown away, and maybe one is missed and some time later you cut yourself on it and you are again reminded of the incident. I wouldn't want to spend my life getting accused, breaking things, cleaning up, and knowing deep down that the next incident is down the road somewhere.

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