He's At It Again
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He's At It Again
| Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:18am |
Whelp, sitting here at work after having only 4 hours of sleep - and it took 5 sleep aid tablets for me to get that. He got furious with me (hubby of 4 years) because I made a "date" to take our 3 y.o. daughter on a boat ride with my sister and her family next Sunday afternoon. He said I was "putting her in danger". She will have a life vest on - law requires it for anybody under 12, my sister and her family are careful, and our daughter was really excited about getting to go. I got mad at him back - accused him of trying to distance me from my family, and told him I was sick of going to his family's house and never to see my family - fair is fair. He's making me out to be the abuser - yes, he made me so mad I threw a clothes hamper across our bedroom - didn't even come close to hitting him - he, of course, threatened to have me locked up for assault if I ever hit him - I never have - he's not worth it. And I knocked a long magnet off the banister again, because he was making me furious. He's always the one threatening to leave - it would really crush our daughter. I have told him if he doesn't like things then leave - nobody's holding a gun to his head to stay there. I'm sorry - I did call him a loser and deserter if he left. He doesn't like my 18 y.o. son living with us while he goes to college - I tried to send him away, my son hated it and came back home to go to college here. My son is gone to his friend's house every weekend anyway - Friday night to Sunday night. He goes to his friend's house every night and comes home around 11. My husband, of course, flew into it and said he doesn't have any "say" around the house - I told him, no, not when you're talking of throwing my son out - that's wrong. DH says he doesn't want to leave - we're his family - but then gets mad at me when I give my son money because he has to drive to school and eat something during the day.
And I'm sorry I blew up when I had given our daughter a bath, gotten her ready for bed, read to her, put her to bed, and I came out and the living room was a mess, coffee not made for the next morning, dog was not let in (it's his dog - she's short haired and I thought it was getting down to 50). I told him it wasn't right for me to totally take care of her and him not do a darn thing but sit on the couch like a lazy butt (actually I said a___). Then yesterday I asked him if he wanted a divorce - he says for me just to say the word - coward! He's putting all the heavy stuff on me. I have worked and slaved and gone without because of this family - and I will continue to do so but I expect him to treat me with respect which he's not doing. Gee, can you tell I'm stressed???!! Sorry this is so long and thank you for venting. Constructive comments are welcome - please don't "rake me over the coals" - I get that enough at home. I feel shell-shocked today - things go so well and then, Blam! Back at it again!
And I'm sorry I blew up when I had given our daughter a bath, gotten her ready for bed, read to her, put her to bed, and I came out and the living room was a mess, coffee not made for the next morning, dog was not let in (it's his dog - she's short haired and I thought it was getting down to 50). I told him it wasn't right for me to totally take care of her and him not do a darn thing but sit on the couch like a lazy butt (actually I said a___). Then yesterday I asked him if he wanted a divorce - he says for me just to say the word - coward! He's putting all the heavy stuff on me. I have worked and slaved and gone without because of this family - and I will continue to do so but I expect him to treat me with respect which he's not doing. Gee, can you tell I'm stressed???!! Sorry this is so long and thank you for venting. Constructive comments are welcome - please don't "rake me over the coals" - I get that enough at home. I feel shell-shocked today - things go so well and then, Blam! Back at it again!

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Hi Chic -
The depression's a side effect of his treatment of you, and it sounds like you're getting worse.
CL-Blueliner4
Honestly?
CL-Blueliner4
As for keeping a handle on where the blame lies, if you have not read Lundy Bancroft's book, get it as soon as possible. It's called, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and controlling men". If you have read it, do it again!
The depression is something I can really relate to. I was severely depressed while I was still with stbx. It got so bad that I was a suicide risk near the end. I stayed far too long 'for the sake of my children'. I was up to 200 mg of Zoloft a day and was complaining to my Doctor that it wasn't working anymore. I was afraid for my life. It was being sucked right out of me and I felt helpless to stop it. I was dying inside. Living with abuse is so very painful and life-threatening in so many ways. I'm worried about your use of sleeping pills too. If you can't sleep, taking a pill just masks the symptom it doesn't deal with the cause. Please find some counseling through a shelter in your area.
In the end, I left for the sake of my children. What kind of life would they have been condemned to, with me gone and only him left to raise them? They'd live a life of never being good enough, being used and abused, and never being accepted or loved unconditionally. They'd grow to be dysfunctional adults struggling with the same crap while thinking it's normal and acceptable. I'm an adult and it was killing me. How could a child ever survive to have a healthy and fulfilling life?
The day I said to myself, "THAT'S ENOUGH! I'm done with this! He is slowly killing me and those boys need me and I want to live.", I asked him to leave and I quit taking the Zoloft and I started counselling.(I do not recommend quiting anti-depressants cold turkey) Now, looking back, it is so clear exactly what the cause of the depression was. It's so clear that the problem wasn't me at all. It was him.
Oh, I'm not perfect and there are times that I'm likely very hard to live with (you know, PMS) I still get sad now and then and I have days when I feel depressed about circumstances but, I've not needed medication since that day. Now, whatever I'm going through is just temporary. I'm strong and I can get through anything that's temporary. Back then I think it's because I knew subconsciously for a very long time, before I admitted it to myself, that it would never change. That was as good as my life was ever going to be. No wonder depression is one of the major and inescapable side effects of living with an abuser. After I was out and people commented on the change in me I used to joke and say, "Hey, it turns out I wasn't in a state of depression at all, I was just in a really, really bad marriage".
About the boat, I've been boating with my boys since they were 1,2&3 years old. Always wear the PFD and it's safer than riding in a car. His attitude and reaction is exactly what you suspect it to be - tactics. It's the "Isolate the victim from all sources of friendship/validation/support" tactic combined with the ever popular, and unfortunately often effective "negligent/seflfish/uncaring parent accusation" tactic. Abusers hate it when everyone else has fun that they didn't orchesrtate and can't control. Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. The day of your boating excursion, I'd just do the same thing you did about the trip to McDonalds. Don't justify and explain. Just get ready to go and then you can chuckle knowingly while you watch him running down the drive to hop in the car and come with you.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
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