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| Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:33am |
Hi guys. Haven't spoken in a while. How are you all doing? My husband is driving me crazy. Every time I try to navigate him thru the course of raising our children, he totally insults me. He does not want to learn. He is handling them completely in the wrong way. I am trying to create a better relationship between him and the girls for the future. But he totally insults me every time I try to help. I am counting down the days till my older daughter finishes school so that I can leave him. I had said that if I don't find a job till then, I am going to a womens' shelter. I am overweight and this is a touristy town, and I am thinking that it is my weight that is sort of standing in the way of me getting a job right now (I am 280 lbs. right now). But I have started a diet and am sticking to it!
His whole family is a bunch of screwballs. I keep fighting them, and I swear I have lost track of what I'm fighting against. His family lives far away, and they have always disrespected me. I have gotten to the point where I don't talk to them on their weekly calls and they don't ask to speak to me and very rarely ask about me. So his mother wanted to know about my daughters' sizes to send them a gift. First, she asks my husband (her son) and although I am right there, he forgets to ask me. (Not too bright). The next week rolls around (she calls Sundays to speak to my girls and Mondays to speak to my husband, basically two times a week) and on Sunday she asked my daughter to go into her closet to check out her size. Although I am right there, she could've asked her to ask me (although I don't speak to my mother-in-law) but instead of asking her to ask me, she asks her to go into her closet. Passive-aggressive bull****.
Stupid things like that. So then my brother-in-law e-mails me to ask me for their sizes. I wrote back with the sizes but also wrote that his mother called many times, she could've easily asked me on the phone. He wrote a letter, get this, stating that he is happy that he has his one-year masters studies of psychology behind him to get a better perspective on this. Like he needs to analyze this. I said I have two years of child psychology behind me, but what the heck does that have to do with this?
I know this has nothing to do with my husband, but his family is nuts. He is so abusive, so verbally abusive towards me, it is overbearing. I told him that this is it. He can forget about us staying here after her school is over. I have vowed not to talk to him anymore. I hope I can stick to it. He has started calling me crazy every time I express concern over his parenting skills. That word really bothers me. I told him, is that what you call me because I am concerned about the way you are handling things? Then he says that he says that because he is mad. I told him I tell him these things out of concern for my children, not trying to make him mad. Please guys, tell me that these abusers say things to you just to hurt you. He totally insults me with his words. When I talk to him it is out of concern, and he just hurls insults at me. Did your husbands say horrible things to you that had nothing at all to do with the conversation you were having? Please share, so I won't feel like I am the only one this is happening to. Thank you.
His whole family is a bunch of screwballs. I keep fighting them, and I swear I have lost track of what I'm fighting against. His family lives far away, and they have always disrespected me. I have gotten to the point where I don't talk to them on their weekly calls and they don't ask to speak to me and very rarely ask about me. So his mother wanted to know about my daughters' sizes to send them a gift. First, she asks my husband (her son) and although I am right there, he forgets to ask me. (Not too bright). The next week rolls around (she calls Sundays to speak to my girls and Mondays to speak to my husband, basically two times a week) and on Sunday she asked my daughter to go into her closet to check out her size. Although I am right there, she could've asked her to ask me (although I don't speak to my mother-in-law) but instead of asking her to ask me, she asks her to go into her closet. Passive-aggressive bull****.
Stupid things like that. So then my brother-in-law e-mails me to ask me for their sizes. I wrote back with the sizes but also wrote that his mother called many times, she could've easily asked me on the phone. He wrote a letter, get this, stating that he is happy that he has his one-year masters studies of psychology behind him to get a better perspective on this. Like he needs to analyze this. I said I have two years of child psychology behind me, but what the heck does that have to do with this?
I know this has nothing to do with my husband, but his family is nuts. He is so abusive, so verbally abusive towards me, it is overbearing. I told him that this is it. He can forget about us staying here after her school is over. I have vowed not to talk to him anymore. I hope I can stick to it. He has started calling me crazy every time I express concern over his parenting skills. That word really bothers me. I told him, is that what you call me because I am concerned about the way you are handling things? Then he says that he says that because he is mad. I told him I tell him these things out of concern for my children, not trying to make him mad. Please guys, tell me that these abusers say things to you just to hurt you. He totally insults me with his words. When I talk to him it is out of concern, and he just hurls insults at me. Did your husbands say horrible things to you that had nothing at all to do with the conversation you were having? Please share, so I won't feel like I am the only one this is happening to. Thank you.

Smiley, I have to tell you that wonderful ppl come in different shapes and sizes, and I HIGHLY doubt your weight and frame have anything to do with you not getting a job, that's just discriminatory.
I agree 100% with wishful.
I would seek out counseling, and don't worry about your size, unless YOU want to do something about it. And ONLY do it for you! Or it won't work and it won't last.
The first thing that an abuser does is ruin our self esteem, that's how they control us and keep us for so long.
{{HUGS}}
OMG your post could have been about my husband and his family. His family I sware are all crazy. When we got married, they were so against me that NONE of them came to our wedding. Some of the things they say or do drive me CRAZY! And I have lost count of how many times his mother has done something to me and he has said he would say something to her about it and threaten to not talk to her for a while, but its funny that he will lie to me about talking to her, he will make it sound like he hasnt talked to her for a month, until i get the cell phone bill and realize that he talks to her everyday! He is so much like his mother, both have to be in control and both can be very verbally abusive.
As for the comments he makes, mine does the same thing. If I make a comment about How nice it is outside, he will say something about how dirty the house is and Why cant I keep it cleaner. It doesnt matter what it is, some degrating remark toward me will be made. And after a while (8yrs in my case)those remarks can add up and make you feel worthless. I have told my stepmother that sometimes I wish he would just hit me cause it would be easier to leave and it wouldnt hurt as much. After having my first child, the weight comments were all to common. After a while I gave up on loosing weight cause I felt like the only reason i would be doing it was for him. After I had my son, I realized that I cant keep living my life to please him and started making changes in my appearance for ME...of course then after i lost some weight and got contacts and really started to feel beter about myself, then the comments came that i was changine everything for someone else and that i was cheating on him. THATS when i truely realized that no matter what i do, there will always be something else for him to complain or put me down about. I know i did it for me, and that makes ME feel good. Now I know that leaving him would be good for ME too...but I still havent found the courage to do that, but im working on it!
You are right that people come in many sizes. But, honestly with all the girls hanging around here in there cut-off shirts with their belly rings out, sometimes it is hard to believe that they will not hire them first. But, of course, it is hard to get a job here, many people say that, and right now, I am looking for office work. My weight and the fact that I haven't worked in an office setting for a while, sort of make me a little leary of that. (I have worked as an assistant teacher and even been hired as a teacher in a private school although I had a certificate and not a full-fledged degree in that field. This was in New York (any other native New Yorkers out there?) and we have relocated to the west and I would like to work in an office setting now, then go back to school. I have found a great place called Displaced Homemakers that help women who have not worked in certain fields for a while, and also women who are getting a divorce or suddenly have to be on their own after not working for a while, and they have a 5-day course that helps with everything. I have not gone yet, but hopefully will.
Now, though summer is coming up and of course, I will be with the kids. I don't want to put them in camp and they also don't want to go. So, I am not sure how it will work if I go on job interviews. I don't want help from him, although he would not be able to help anyway, since he works all day. But, if I do end up going to a Womens' Shelter, which, of course, I would prefer not to do, but I see that I need to get away from him to have a fresh start, I don't know how I will be able to go on constant interviews. But I will cross that bridge if and when I get to it. I really hope I will be able to get a job before that happens.
Anyway at 6' and size 16, you sound beautiful! For me, a size 16 is petite. I am a size 22-24 now. I am sure that you look great- size 16 does not at all sound big for someone of your height. But that is not the point. A woman can feel good at any size. And I am honestly doing this for myself.
Thank you for your reply. Well, until next time......
Along with that, he does not care whether the things that come out of his mouth have even a crumb of truth in them. Not just about things between him and I but about other things as well. He is a liar, and I've noticed that it has only gotten worse over the years. He will tell me that he said something to me that he didn't and that he didn't say something to me that he did and contort the truth so much. That is also another thing I can't stand. He knows that I have a very good memory (at least compared to his) and I am very careful with my words, because I like to be accurate in what I say. But what does he say, when we have a disagreement about yet again his version of the truth which is usually very exaggerated or a blatant lie? He will stick to his guns and swear up and down that he is right. I don't get people who like to distort the truth. If I would have known just how f***ed up he was, I would have run in the other direction. No one could've prepared me for how much of a nutjob this man would be.
Thanks for posting.
I saw a picture of myself pre-nightmare marriage, and I thought "Who is that sexy women in the picture?" I looked really good. And this losing weight is for me. I want to feel good in my body. I want to wear the clothes that I used to be able to wear.
Thanks for your reply.
Why aren't you making plans to leave your H? I know it can be hard, but start working on a plan of action that will put you on the right track, so you can be prepared when the time comes.
Let us know if you do decide to go thru with it....
Till then, love smiley
First off, I wasn't even sure that I was supposed to be here. But as I stayed I realized that the women here had a lot of good advice and support, and I could identify with a lot of them. The picture in my head I've always had of abused women always used to be women (maybe immigrants or poverty-stricken women) who were beaten and only from a certain part of town. Of course, this was pre-marriage but even then when I came to this board, I thought, what type of women will be here? Women with bad grammar, and from parts of America that I could not identify with? Not that that is not okay, but I thought it would be people that I could not identify with. Little did I know that a lot of women who are abused, both emotionally, verbally or physically are strong, intelligent, career-oriented women. Now I'm not saying a lot of women that are abused are that way necessarily, but let's just say that a lot of women who post here, are women that would be definitely looked up to in the outside world. And some of the women I've seen on shows, like Oprah, were three highly successful women were being broken down in their own home by verbal and emotional abuse. They all got out of their marriages. Can you imagine? Women who have everything life has to offer looking in the mirror and feeling like they have nothing? If you've ever heard that song "A Womans Worth" by Alicia Keys it hits the nail right on the head.
Anyway, please stick to this board. You will find women that tell you that what your husband is doing is not okay. That you are a beautiful, intelligent person that deserves more out of life. Of course, if you thought there was any way to salvage this marriage, that he was interested in making the changes, then I would say go for it, but I highly doubt that that's the case. If he threatens to kill himself if you leave, then basically he's putting an all or nothing ultimatum on the marriage, and you know what? All or nothing just doesn't cut it. It comes from people who need control, and people who swing back and forth, have a black and white vision of things and believe that you are married and must remain bound for life with all the crap they send your way. A balanced person does not need to threaten, they know life comes with ups and downs, and not necessarily black and white, and that you sometimes must work very hard to make something work. They also understand that sometimes things do not work and they can accept that. Even if they can't accept it, they learn to live with it and move on, or at least they don't threaten you. I think a person that needs to threaten obviously has had a lot of losses in life, and they can't stand to lose one more thing. But that does not need to concern you. You worry about you and making yourself healthy and whole. Why live with someone who is just trying to repress the beautiful side of you?