Hey Everyone...I'm back..and update..

Avatar for sweet_angel21
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Hey Everyone...I'm back..and update..
6
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:50am
Hey Everyone-

The last time I posted here was...umm..last Tues. I think? Well, I went on my trip to Vegas (for Spring break) and it was fun. =0) I left on Wednesday to meet with my friends in Vegas and stayed until Sat. And probably like the rest of you I was surprised that my bf had no problem whatsoever w/ me going w/o him and he didn't even bug me about when I left or while I was there.

So, we stayed at the stratosphere hotel, and went either cruising, or walking up and down the strip each night and day. Also every night we were there we kind of got tipsy. =0p Although we didn't get to do all the great things to do in Vegas, b/c we're all still 20. I just have 2 more months til I'm 21. =0) Well, and we rode some rides and stuff also...But one thing...there are a lot of dirty old men in Vegas! *lol* I mean like the whole time we had like these men bothering us, making comments, hitting on us...even sometimes old grandpas! (which grossed us out)

Well, anyways I'm back to school again. =0( And things are back to normal for my bf and I. Actually it's going good again. I mean just good times, us together, enjoying each other, having fun together, being silly...etc. So far we haven't gotten into any arguements again or fights...So hopefully it stays this way for awhile.

I haven't gotten to look into the DV counselor thing yet. My counselor that I saw once (From the university) called me today. I said I wasn't sure about seeing her again since last time she didn't understand my situation at all, and was judgemental. I don't know...at times like this when it seems like all is going good again, it feels funny for me to go to a DV counselor. But I guess I still should?

sweet angel

Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:03pm
Welcome back! I'm so glad you had a nice, fun trip....................

With the exception of the "dirty old men" LOL! I think that type is all over, not just Vegas ;)

While it's good that you and your bf are getting along, this is not unusual, at all. This is part of the cycle, and the underlying issues are still there. I would suggest that you continue to seek counseling, along with support, during the good times as well as the bad times. The pain and damage from the abuse is "buried" in a sense, since you and he are "getting along", but it's still there, and when there is conflict again, it will come rushing back. The key word in your post is "seems". "I don't know...at times like this when it seems like all is going good again, it feels funny for me to go to a DV counselor." The more you work on all of this in therapy, and with support, the easier it will be to manage, all the way around.

I hope you have a great day!

Hugs!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:28pm
Yes, I agree you should still look into going to counseling...

In know that times are great right now, but you still haven't addressed the hurt and pain you have inside, due to your past abuse. You probably know how to bury it well and not think about it anymore. But I still know it won't hurt to keep looking for a good DV counselor in your area. Counseling will help you start to deal with it all and help you feel much better about yourself. And I'm glad to hear that things are going well w/ you and BF.

I also know this senario well, in fact thats what happens in abusive relationships, after the bad times pass, everything becomes wonderful again. I'm sure he's treating you great, respecting you and you feel like you have the man you love again, right? From what I've learned so far, this is the honeymoon stage and whether or not you can see it, your relationship will unfortunately evolve over time into the tension stage again... and thats where he'll start acting out and trying to assert his control again little by little. Please Sweet Angel, before it gets to that point, please seek counseling and maybe try to get him to go as well. Since he's doing a lot of kissing up to you right now, this is the time to maybe mention it to him. Also, while things are still going good continue reading as much as you can off the homepage about domestic abuse so you can begin to recognize the signs later on and see the things that need work in your relationship. I would hate to see him get turn angry and violent in the future, after you've gotten comfortable again with him and start to believe that he's changed. Thats the confusing part about relationships like ours, they kind of trick us for a while until we forget how crazy they can be. The loving treatment doesn't last forever like it should, it kind of comes in waves.

My BF used to become my prince charming (which is what he's doing right now) and treat me respectfully for close to a year before he'd flip out again. And of course after all that time while I'm enjoying the peace and kindness in the relationship, I'm not prepared nor do I expect him to ever abuse me again. But over the three years I've been with him, I can now look back and see how a cycle has repeated itself over and over in our relationship. Sweet Angel, I'm sure if you look back over the years that you've been with him and when the abuse started you'll see a pattern as well. Also, if you start to seek some counseling it will help you understand and cope with all of this confusion.

I'm not telling you to leave him, I can see you love him, and besides that is your decision. I feel like I can relate to you though. We are both young women dealing with young abusive men (or boys, lol) and we really need to help ourselves and hopefully get them to seek help as well before we even think about marrying them. Plus you have so much going for you,like trying to become a doctor and getting into med school, studying for the MCAT. Whew, your plate is full right now, you go Girl! I was in your shoes once, about three years ago, before I took time off from college and met BF... and I can't even imagine juggling all of that workload and having to take care of him, too. I admire you for being so strong and intelligent, so keep that focus and in the meantime, take care of Sweet Angel and find a counselor okay! LOL, I totally went way off on a tangent here, but thats okay, you're a fast reader I'm sure. Hugs to you, and finish off your semester with a bang!

Love,

Uwi

Avatar for sweet_angel21
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:13pm
Hey Thanks,

Actually I do know deep inside that this is only for awhile...and yes it is like a honeymoon stage. I mean we're like all lovey dovey now...it's great, but I know it'll only be for awhile until he "blows up" again over something most likely I did wrong. (<--what he says) Actually when I went on my trip I confided in one of my friends about this...well all summarized up though. B/c she also got in a fight w/ her umm.. SO in Vegas and was telling me she thinks it won't last. I also said the same thing and said that my bf and I got into fights before. I said if he doesn't show any change at all...(like coming to church with me) then I will break up with him.

But I guess this is all when I'm ready and strong enough to do so. I think I know it will eventually happen (even though I desperately DON'T want it to happen) But yes this is like a cycle we've been going through for over 2 years. And that's the reason why I've broken up with him a few times.

Actually I'm not doing so good in school either. =0( These past semesters I've been slacking off...mostly from my doing also. But also b/c of him...he says that I put school before him...and then I just start paying more attention to him. My last practical exam that I had umm...2 Sat. ago, I didn't even make it, =0( I didn't even get to take the exam! so I'm going to drop that class, which is like a 3 credit class, so for now I guess I'm going to school part-time. (This happened last semester too, but last semester was also for other reasons. You're right it's hard to balance school and "taking care of your bf" My co-worker always tells me "I don't see how you can put up with it," "even taking care of yourself is hard enough." But then like you said we do have our Good times which seems to outweigh the bad, which is the reason why I'm still with him.

So, are you still with your bf? I read a last post of yours that said your bf's goign to go to jail for 3 months? How's that going? Actually, I think something like that would be Great for me...to have him go to jail. So, I'm like Forced to be w/o him, then maybe I would get used to it, so it's a LOT easier when he gets out? maybe?....

Well, I got to go.

sweet angel

Avatar for sweet_angel21
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:18pm
Hey thanks, =0)

Actually I do know everything that you said is true. Actually if you read umm..the reply I made to Uwil...I think reply 4? I actually told this to one of my friends on my trip too. And for now I guess I'm trying to keep everything all good until I actually am ready to leave him. (Actually I'm just hoping for him to change) But I don't know?...

And I guess I will try and find a DV counselor...maybe tomorrow...when i won't be so busy...

Actually I got to get goign now...I have an essay due tonight, before my class this evening so I only have a couple hours to work on it. =0(

Thanks for everything, =0)

sweet angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 6:48pm
Yes he and I are still together, but I was supposed to be taking some space from him. I told him I wanted 3 months of us being apart so that I could focus on what I had to do. You know, so I could stand on my own two feet again. These relationships really can take a toll on your independence. I mean your still independent technically, cause you still pay your own bills and rent and car note and stuff, but at the same time, can't really function without them. Its like he's my Daddy or something. But my 3 months plan failed already this past Sun. I woke up and went to church and guess who tapped me on the shoulder during the service, BF. Right in the beginning of our service where we shake hands and greet everyone, he came up to me and asked me for a hug. I immediately froze out of shock or surprise, but then I gave in and hugged him because I WAS happy to see him especially in church. Its like I forgave him at that very instant. He told me about how he had been praying that whole previous day and then was compelled to go to church. So I guess I believe him, I don't know he's so darn convincing sometimes, but I've been trying to focus on strengthening my faith and if God meant for us to run into eachother at church, then so be it.

So we're continuing through our honeymoon phase I guess with flying colors. He's talking about rehabilitating himself, counseling, church, wanting to pray with me at night, he's trying to do a whole lot. Not really smothering eachother yet, but conversing alot by email. Sending positive notes back and forth. He and I also see eachother at the gym in the evenings. Last night I told him about the 60 days jail sentence he might recieve and he seemed pretty calm like he didn't believe it. He said he will just pray about it, but everything will be alright cause God wouldn't put him back in jail...

Wouldn't he? I'm not sure about that statment. BF thinks just because he's trying to change now God won't allow him to go to jail again. I hate to burst his bubble, but really, I think differently. I believe God might have him go through a whole lot more difficult trials this year to really prove himself, because of all the wrong he has done in the past. But although I feel this, I am scared to tell him. I just will have to continue to pray for myself that I can handle everything if BF does go to jail. I really am scared by the thought of that. Although I wanted space, I just never wanted it like this. It will really break my heart to think of him back in there. I remember how hard it was when he was there for those 7 days after I called 911. Well, there's really nothing I can do at this point. I will have to survive it no matter what. Sweet Angel, please keep us in your prayers. I know you have a lot to pray for right now as well, but I'd really appreciate it.

Oh, and about your classes and pre-med plans, please don't allow yourself to slack off over him. I did the same thing right before I left my college and I missed my final and spent the day with my BF (my ex) instead. That is not a good thing! I regret it now. And your BF saying that you spend too much time on schoolwork shows me that he doesn't really care about you acheiving your goals. You really ought to think about that. I mean, if he doesn't care enough to see you succeed then that means he must want to be the breadwinner, and have you be the housewife, but aren't you the one taking care of him? I don't know what kind of a life he can provide for you if he isn't even trying to acheive anything for himself. You really need a guy that can support you and all your dreams. I'd hate to see you drop out of your university all together, cause it could very well get to that if you stay with him too long. You will start to feel burned out and will have to let something go. And already you've chosen him over taking your practical exam, so it will probably be school that you let go of first. Plus, the longer you stay a part-time student you will still have tuition expenses and it starts to really pile up, so you might as well get it done as quick as possible. Sweet Angel, you are too smart to let your dreams go, no matter what he says to confuse you. You can do it, I believe in you. Was your lab practical for Bio? I would do whatever I could to try and get in that Bio professor's good graces again after flaking on the test. That way he maybe could help you prepare and not just look at you like someone who's not serious about being pre-med. Also, the closer you get to graduating, you will need to have developed a good relationship with some of your science professors so that you can get some good recommendations too. All of that will help you get in to Med School. Well I'm sure you know all of this already, its just getting your head together and doing it right? Well, it will definitely be easier once you have space away from your Man. He sounds like he's bringing you down, Girl. I don't know, I really ain't one to talk though huh, lol. Just take care and I'll be praying for you. Stay strong!

Love,

Uwi

Avatar for sweet_angel21
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:59am
Hey thanks,

And yes I will keep you two in my prayers. =0) Actually I'm thinking that's a good thing that at least your bf is Trying to change, by counseling and going to church. If my bf did that, it would be like such a terrific thing for me. =0) He doesn't even go to church w/ me, actually he doesn't really go anywhere besides work. It gets so boring, he doesn't want to go ANYWHERE or do ANYTHING...but stay home. He hardly even sees or talks to his friends that much anymore also. So, I go to church w/ my mom, while he stays at home, and (mostly) sleeps until I get back. But on weekends actually during the daytime I usually spend time w/ my mom or something. So, I'm practically gone all weekend until evening I come back to my bf.

And about church...I know it really can help change people for the better. I saw it happen to a LOT of people, including my grandpa, 3 uncles and aunt. They were all like the same way...all abusive and alcoholics..etc. But once they started going to church...omg you wouldn't believe that they are the same people. Now they're all nice, caring, church people, who hardly get mad. I mean my uncle and grandpa especially used to abuse their wives, children, and basically anyone who would look at them wrong or piss them off. But now...I mean it's like they are really opposite people. And I know how it also changed other church members. So, if my bf really did want to change, and did also start going to church w/ me it would be a big thing. =0)

And it's funny too...like the last two times I went to church, I really do feel like it clears my mind, and makes me think clearly, I mean like last time I was listening to the pastor, and I was thinking omg, this is not right...I do need to leave my bf...and I kind of got all emotional from the things the pastor was saying I felt like crying in church! *lol* I mean plus keeping everything inside...I mean I was thinking here my bf and I am seeming happy, and little do people know what happens behind closed doors...(the few times it actually happens)

Well, I hope for the best for you too. And for me too. =0)

sweet angel