Hey You Brave Women- Problem of the moment, please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Hey You Brave Women- Problem of the moment, please help.
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Thu, 02-02-2012 - 9:03am

As I've read through old posts, sometimes it's as if I wrote it myself..how alike our worlds are...I don't understand all the abbreviations, but think I get most of them. So here's my problem of the moment:

I saw my ex 2 days ago, riding his Harley, with a woman on the back. He had all this new gear..wearing more new stuff that he got in a day that costs more than he's ordered to pay in child support a MONTH...(burns me up) I assume it's the same one that's been around a little bit now..the bike is in her name, she apparently has tons of money...she a bit older than him and from what I've heard, a bit homey..well there's sooo much to add, but he always tells me he loves me, and if it 'weren't for the pending charges' we'd be together and will be when they're resolved..(I don't want that)..and he always tries to make the situation w/ him and the woman out to be something other than exactly what it is....I know he is telling her what she wants to hear, my god, she is buying him everything..but I know in my heart he is destroying her life too...I have 8 years under my belt w/ that 'man' and she just a year...so let me get to the point..Why does it keep eating at me that he's with her? I keep reminding myself of the absolute hell life is w/ him..what an awful dad he is and if I could cuss on this board, i'd say exactly what he is...but NOTHING is good about him. And I have mean feelings towards her too..and feel like she deserves whatever she gets..a few months back she had filed an emergency pfa (but didn't follow thru) and charged him with unauthorized use of her car. I know this stuff because that's when HE came back in my life, begging to fix us, etc. And my brain knows why he did..his lifeline was kicking him out, his court date was coming up and he wanted to see our baby. I don't get how he

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Bottom line?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I will not say your not crazy because I feel the same way you do and at times I think I am crazy!! LOL. I just posted about something that happened today that made me feel crazy but I know its normal, at least I think it is but I am so over it happening that it is not funny!! I know without a doubt that my children are better off without him in their life (he is now a registered sexual offender) and he has been gone for six years but at times I get so frustrated that I am the one who has to take care of and deal with everything with them and he seems to have no cares. It did help that he spent some time in jail and I know if he is living with his mom his life isn't care free and easy but I am dealing with three teenagers! LOL!! When these moments hit I remind myself of how we are better off with out him and there is no way I want him anywhere near them and it does help. Abusers rarely change and even if they do some times it is to late because they have killed everything we felt for them that was good. It sucks that he is able to live a "normal" life but remember he is not normal and I doubt he is happy because I do not think abusers are ever really happy.

Today my newest teenager, she turned 13 the 26th of Jan, won an award today. I am very proud of her and it brought tears to my eyes. My children are wonderful people and if he was still in their life it is possible that they would not be and so for that it is worth him appearing to have a normal life and me


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012

Thanks for the responses.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know the only thing that will help is time and unfortunately I can't fast forward. I hate that I sit and obsess over him getting away with everything, how he could just suck as a human and how I can't just move on. Why can't I just start seeing someone to distract myself?

I just am so frigging sad and am going to shut up for right now.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Seeing someone to distract yourself is a bad idea and probably won't work. Even when you are ready to see someone things like this still happen. I have been seeing a guy off and on for almost five years and it is not enough to things like this away. I am not even sure if a hobby would help because no matter what I do at times things pop up. Sadly it seems to be a part of life that some of us don't get away from but then again its only been six years for me maybe in a few more years it will all go away? I am so sick of dealing with it too but it appears I am stuck with it but some think it is because I haven't healed and I know I am far from healed and am about to give up on ever being healed. All I can say is things that pop up I get over quicker. A


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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Live, his behavior will come back to haunt him, one day. It may not be as quickly as you would like, but it will. Just to give you some perspective: The abuser in my life was arrested and hauled off to jail on 11/14/99. He died 11/14/07, exactly 8 years to the day after I threw him out of my life for the very last time. It took a while, but justice, in the end, was served. So don't think for a second that he won't end up paying, because somewhere down the line, he will. It may not be as quickly as we would like, but it WILL happen, one way or another.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012

I hear you..and I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you, as it seems you're having a tough day. Everything you're saying is my whole point- these 'men' put us through god awful hell, then off they go and we're stuck picking up the pieces and trying to survive...we're just alive, we're not living. My anger is controlling me and I'm too broke to go to the head dr and pay $25 co pay, while he's not hurting for any money and is required to pay such a pathetic amount for our child because he has no job...I really feel it taking me over..everyone around me thinks I should just feel like 'good riddance' and they don't know how much he has been entwined in my life and this is really the end...it didn't end forever ago like everyone thinks. I go between rage and sadness and it makes no sense! He has been a bastard, period! Nothing, nothing,nothing was good really. so why am I wasting my mind on him? Why do i care he's with that nasty woman? If he were calling me, it would be hell, but since he's not calling, it's hell...because my phone doesnt go off. I lost all social life. I wasted 8 years. I spent every nickle on him. My every focus was keeping him happy. He is a demon..narcissist..self absorbed..when he did come around he would give our baby diamonds, but wouldn't give me money, because he just wanted to show he had it, but wasn't going to help me..but I walked around in the same 3 outfits while pregnant, and spent tons of money on his jail commisary and calls to me..and when he called me he was always putting me in tears..he's a cheat, a pig..wtf! Let him have the gross woman to buy him a harley, and everything he wants...

But it burns me up. I hate that he gets away with all the lies, pain, destruction and walks away with no repurcussions. When we go to trial in March for the usual..threats, no contact, intimidation of a witness..."I" will have gone through all this crap and he will get a slap...he has bank, and an attorney that is good. I have no quality of life and he doesn't have to pay any price for it.

God, i went on and on. I'm sorry.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Harmony is right Live. My ex is now a registered sexual offender so at least those who look up those things will know he's a monster!! He has been in jail at least twice since I threw him out of our lives.


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Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Don't be sorry. It is OK to go on. It helps some to feel better to talk it out. I just wrote a long entry in my journal and it helped. Yes I am having a bad day but trying to help someone else helps me and just getting it out helps.

I am with you today. I am struggling to make ends meet and that low life lives with mommy so he doesn't have to worry about paying the bills or anything other then mommy making life hard in her own special way, she is not easy to live with. I agree with you that they should suffer and its not fair that they aren't but when we let these thoughts consume us then we let them win!! Even when they don't know it is happening they are winning because they would be happy to know we are miserable because of thoughts of the. They don't want us to be happy so the best revenge really is living well and locking them out but that is not always easy. Go ahead and vent away to us. We understand. Yes we are not going to sugar coat things but we do understand and some of us are still there.

I for one am hoping to put this behind me this weekend and enjoy the weekend off!! I hope your able to find some peace. I am not sure if I have been helpful but wanted to let you know your not alone and it does get better even if it doesn't go away completely. I am told it does so we will give it more time and see if it does. HUGS!!


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Registered: 01-24-2012

Many thanks to all..it is helpful to be on this board, reading your stories and getting your advice/responses...I need the outlet.

I used to journal daily..it could be a line or two, or 3 pages..many years ago, when I first met 'him', he found my journal and it caused me so much hell. I have started and stopped a journal many times and maybe I will again soon..so until then, this forum may be it. I know this is the 'final time' for him and I, I know he's not coming back in my home, but it's a mental thing...

A

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I couldnt keep a journal when I was with him. I used the forum to keep track of things. Funny thing is he found the forum and the things he choose to print off were bad about him, I will never undersand what the point of that was.


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