Hi I'm new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Hi I'm new here
1
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:20pm
Hi everyone,

I'm a 40 year old single mom of a 6 year old son. I left my ex and fled to a shelter for abused women in March of this year. I stayed there for 5 weeks and finally found an apartment in protected housing. I can stay here a year until I find somewhere I'm happy to live.

I have sole custody of my son, and his father (the ex) has visitation every 2nd weekend. He has a no alcohol consumption clause court ordered in our custody agreement because he is an alcoholic.

When my son is with his father I worry continuously. His father always chooses those times to call and verbally abuse me over the telephone. He knows I will answer his calls if Jamie is with him. I have caller ID and normally ignore his phonecalls and messages.

Although this man is a complete lunatic the courts have decided that he gets unsupervised visitation.

My ex also has an 18 year old daughter, my son's half sister who sees me as her mother because she has absolutely no relationship with either of her parents.

I have absolutely no idea how not to get drawn into his drama, between his abusive phonecalls, and his daughter continously crying because her father is abusive to her as well, I feel like I'm standing in his living room. I so want to start over and just get out of his life, but I keep getting sucked back in.

Sorry this got so long, thank you for listening if you got this far

tearz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:16am
That's a tough one, tearz. You are being torn by your obligations to your son and your stepdaughter, and that brings you into his world. Could you try to minimize the contact with him? For example, when he calls immediately ask "Is Jamie alright?", and then try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. "Oh I'm relieved Jamie's all right. I'm sorry but I was just on my way out the door for an appointment and I'll have to catch you later. Click." Likewise, could you be there for the stepdaughter without spending the whole time talking about your ex. Talk about the girl, what her plans are, what she's been doing. She should be starting to move on in her life, whether starting a job or school. If she persists in talking about your ex all the time, could you tell her that you need to give the subject a rest for the time being? Your ex has become a rock in the stream of your life; try to flow around him. Give yourself the psychological breathing space that you need. You will make other friends, take up other activities that allow you to stop focusing on him. I wish you the very very best.