Him and his control!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Him and his control!
7
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:10am

So, the divorce was final Monday, thank goodness. He's still pulling his control, though. Now he's using our DD. I hadn't spoke to her since Tuesday evening when I took her clothes to her before he got home. She had been sick for two days and missed school. So I called yesterday worried about her. Nobody answers the phone. There's an answering machine but they never check the messages. He has caller I.D. Nobody called me back at all yesterday. Yesterday evening I had a school function to attend and didn't get home until late last night. Still no messages on my machine or I.D. This morning I talked to my DD on instant message. She asked if I had called yesterday and if we could go to a school game tomorrow night. I proceeded to tell her I always call when she's there but they don't answer the phone or she doesn't get the messages. Then I told her we could go to the game tomorrow night. Well, he's taking her to get her hair cut and he's paying for that. But she wants her nails done and I need to pay for that. I said "no way". First off, she doesn't NEED her nails done. Secondly, the haircut cost $15 not $35 like nails. I wouldn't do it if the nails cost $15. Point is she doesn't NEED them done. Anyway, it's the old thing. Go tell your mother and of course Mom says NO loud and clear. So, I'M the bad guy.

Now this morning she needs her medicine filled. He won't answer the phone. I don't know what type of medicine it is. He has the bottle. I will call the pharmacy and they will tell me but my point is he's still trying to control AND I HATE HIM! My side aches like it always does when I'm under stress. I'm crying. I HATE HIM!!! I hate him more because he's using my DD. The DD that he supposedly loves. He's using her to get to me and he's doing a good job of it.

What am I suppose to do? Should I leave the messages on the machine? Do I tell my DD what he's doing? I don't like to do that.

Then she wants to go to the game and he could drop her off after getting her hair cut. He won't do it. It's on his way home. Nope, he told her I need to go up to his house and get her if she wants to go. Then if I don't go get her, again, I'm the bad one! God, I hate him. I never thought I'd hate him.

Thanks for listening,
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:00pm

I really dislike it when they use the children as a control tactic for the victim, its not fair to the victim or to the child.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:59pm

I am in total agreement with Wishful.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:24pm

i hate it also when they use the children. it shows how it's always about them and their need to hurt and control it has nothing to do with what's best for the children.

i agree document everytime you call and leave msgs. i would take it one step further document everytime he makes it difficult for you to see her or do things for her. like refusing to drop her off at your house even though it is on his way home. the incident with her medicine if he has the bottle and information he should either be filling it or giving you the information prior to when it is needed. this to can be used if you have to or want to go back to court someday to demostrate his personality. anytime he calls,sees, emails, contacts you in any way that has nothing to do with your DD i would document also.

i would also not go in his house or even to the door when you pick her up. have her come to the car. try and minimize your contact with him in anyway.

one thing that can get them to stop their little power plays is to stop letting them see that they're upsetting you. not only when you see them in person but also when your on the phone. this takes time but eventually it dawns on them that they're not getting the desired effect of having control over you and upsetting you.

just keep letting your DD know how much you love and care for her. also let her know i have been calling and leaving messages. you don't have to tell her that he's deleting them she'll figure it out if it keeps happening. eventually she'll see through him.

hang in there!!!!

-me

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 3:27pm

Blue, I like that "Hang Himself From The Stupid Tree", that a new one and a keeper. Hi Hope, sorry about all this. Just wanted to know that I am here to for support. I never really had any problems with kids like it seems to happen to everyone else. My son's dad moved away and really didn't have any connections. That was his mistake. I felt like when I took him away at two and my ex raised him that I didn't even want child support. My son was a gift. They are friends now. Two of a kind. I was lucky in one way, my ex was a good step-father, horrible husband. It breaks my heart to see kids in the middle. I am glad I didn't have that. Take care and be safe,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:46pm
I am sorry that you are both giong thru this. It is WRONG! What is the matter with these "adults" who cant see what they are diong to kids is so WRONG! hugs! R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 6:39pm

This is to everyone today who gave me support, AGAIN!

First off, I a fool didn't get an attorney. So that's out of the question. That's not to say I still can't in the future if he continues with this harrassment. I'll take him back to court for "custodial parent". I WILL start documenting. I've done this before and then quit because he starts being nice again.

I ran into him and my DD at Walmart on my lunchhour. "Daddy" bought me this and "daddy bought me that. He buys her love. I know this and even she knows this.

Tomorrow night he's taking her to the game and dropping her off and then she'll stay with me for the evening. I'll explain to her again that I don't have the money "Daddy Warbucks" does.

I WILL start documenting AGAIN! This time I won't quit. I'm soooooo tired of being nice, but that's my personality. It just kills me when he puts her in the middle. She's got enough problems. She's going to counseling, is on lexapro, and has trouble with grades at school so is on meds for ADD. And he pulls this.

Thanks again for the support from all of you.
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:18pm

Hey Happy -


For something such as this, you may want to see if perhaps a professional paralegal can assist you.

CL-Blueliner4