Hit once and deserved it? Please Help.
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| Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:20am |
Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and I am not sure I even belong here. In fact I can not find a forum that best suits my problem...but I thought I would start here.
I have been married for almost 3 years to a "perfect" man. He is the poster child for what every woman dreams of. Caring, works hard, loves me to death, takes care of family member (his and mine)...etc. etc. etc. The problem is that for reasons I can not explain I do not love him anymore...I have known this for a while and kept thinking maybe the 'feeling' would come back. I love him like a friend...that is all.
Well...to cut to the chase, I cheated on him while vacationing a few weeks ago. I still talk to this person via e-mail and find him attractive...I do not want to stop the communication. With this being said, I told my husband I wanted to seperate....and a few days later I told him I wanted a divorce. I realize that it is all my fault. I ruined his life and so much will be changing for him. Well, yesterday during a heated discussion he slapped me accross the face very hard. I did not hit back. I just stood in shock. He apologized (as it is not in his chacter) and I told him it was my fautl becasue of all I am putting it through and I deserved it.
My question is hitting like this okay under the circumstances? I do not think he will do it again but them again I have never been hit before.
Please help.

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No, it's not unusual.
CL-Blueliner4
From Go-Quiz.com
Hey there. When I first read your story, my thought was that it was wrong for your husband to hit you, but under the shock of extreme circumstances I could understand someone lashing out inappropriately and him slapping you doesn't necessarily mean he's abusive. But giving it a little more thought, I realize that's the kind of thinking that kept me in a mostly emotionally abusive relationship for more than 10 years, and I'm upset with myself that I can still slide back into that kind of thinking.
No matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt someone emotionally, you're still not responsible for someone else's bad behaviour. I know some really wonderful guys who are the SO's of my friends. And no matter what my friends did, even if they did something incredibly hurtful and betrayed their guys, I cannot imagine any of these guys hitting them. Because, aside from self-defense, there is never any excuse or justification for laying your hands on someone else. A real man would never hit the woman he loved, or any woman for that matter.
Aside from him hitting you, I also recall you describing him as being the perfect guy and how everyone is blaming you for what you did to this wonderful guy. The guy I was in the relationship with was also such a great guy as far as everyone else was concerned, and although the circumstances of our breakup were different (he cheated), I was pressured by friends and family to give him another chance. Sure he was a great guy. As long as he always got his way, you didn't have to live with him, and you were never on the receiving end of one of his tirades, which could be brought on by the smallest thing. And some of the people who continued to think he was so wonderful and pressured me to stay with him had witnessed him screaming and cursing at me at a party in a drunken rage, but 'he didn't really mean it, he just drank too much and you picked a fight with him, and he's such a great guy, he'd never act that way sober'.
I hope you do take a good look at the checklists. You may find that your 'perfect' husband isn't so perfect. And that may be why your feelings for him have changed. It's hard to feel 'in love' with someone you can't trust not to hurt you.
-sang
And if you had asked him to shoot you or kill you, and he had, would you have deserved THAT? I think not.
Hitting is just plain wrong. And he should have learned that in kindergarten.
Elizacruz,
You are so bent on wanting someone to say it's your fault and that you asked for it.
Sorry, I won't say you deserved it, but please let me elaborate.
In deference to my sisters out there who are in life-threatening, painful, and horrifying relationships and are trying to get out and with deep regard to those who have, I can't agree that your husband is an "abuser".
"He is the poster child for what every woman dreams of. Caring, works hard, loves me."
Given that you two were in a very heated argument about you wanting to leave him because you had an affair with a younger guy and you want to pursue that and you're bored in your marriage after 3 years, and given perhaps "maybemaybemaybe" you were pushing him really, really far considering the already escalated emotional circumstances, as you say, "he's never hit me and has always been a great guy..."
There are instances when otherwise loving, caring people are pushed too far.
No, he shouldn't have hit you. He should have walked away from you.
I think we must be extraordinarily prudent about labelling people "abusers". I would not call your husband an abuser nor abusive and I wouldn't make this a huge issue when you divorce him.
It's very difficult for women who are beaten, berated, put down, treated like trash, or who are like prisoners in their own homes to get out from under it from abusers. Those who don't have physical abuse are often subject to extraordinary mental mindscr%wing by the person who claims to love them. While I don't condone his slapping you, I can't classify you as abused or that he is an abuser.
As I said, he should not have hit you and he was wrong.
I have come to these boards since 2000. I have received help, been put on track, told it straight, and have maintained outside friendships with some of the strongest and smartest people I have ever been blessed to know.
Some of the girls here may report a violation on my part because they disagree with me, or the (cl's) may ban me from this board entirely due to respectfully disagreeing - but I hope not. Domestic/relationship violence is a deadly serious matter. Please remember, I have not said that a slap in the face is ok. Rather, what I am trying to do is to show a balance.
To you Elizacruz, move out, divorce him, and continue to seek counseling.
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