Hit once and deserved it? Please Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Hit once and deserved it? Please Help.
21
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:20am

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and I am not sure I even belong here. In fact I can not find a forum that best suits my problem...but I thought I would start here.

I have been married for almost 3 years to a "perfect" man. He is the poster child for what every woman dreams of. Caring, works hard, loves me to death, takes care of family member (his and mine)...etc. etc. etc. The problem is that for reasons I can not explain I do not love him anymore...I have known this for a while and kept thinking maybe the 'feeling' would come back. I love him like a friend...that is all.

Well...to cut to the chase, I cheated on him while vacationing a few weeks ago. I still talk to this person via e-mail and find him attractive...I do not want to stop the communication. With this being said, I told my husband I wanted to seperate....and a few days later I told him I wanted a divorce. I realize that it is all my fault. I ruined his life and so much will be changing for him. Well, yesterday during a heated discussion he slapped me accross the face very hard. I did not hit back. I just stood in shock. He apologized (as it is not in his chacter) and I told him it was my fautl becasue of all I am putting it through and I deserved it.

My question is hitting like this okay under the circumstances? I do not think he will do it again but them again I have never been hit before.

Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:53pm

No, it's not unusual.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:22pm
Hi, I have to agree with everyone else, but at the same time I know where you are coming from. NO ONE, man or woman, deserves to be hit, no matter what they did. Just because you cheated and told him you wanted to leave DOES NOT give him the right to hit you. And speaking from experiance...if your marriage was great and he was such a wonderful man then you wouldnt have felt the need to look elsewhere. My marriage has been crumbling for years! He has been emotionally and verberally abusive for all 9 years that we have been together. I always felt that it was my fault he was like that. I did everything I could to change me and what I did to suit him. All that did was take away my dignity and self respect. About a year ago I had a really bad day with him and went to my doctor. Thinking again that it was me and that I was the problem (i had just had a baby 3 months earlier and was thinking it was postpartum depresion). After talking to her, I realized that NO it wasnt me, it was him. From that point on I started working on myself. Lost some weight, new wardrobe, hairstyle....things that made ME feel good. After listening to him complain about the way i looked and the weight i had gained I was hoping that it would make me feel good and in turn make him feel better too. I was wrong. It only made him worse. But at least I felt good. Started to realize that I didnt deserve to be treated like this. And I know alot of people will not approve of this, but 3 months ago I met a wonderful man, who treats me the way a woman should be treated. NO, there has been nothing physical, but its by far an emotional affair. And I am planning on leaving H, still trying to work up the courage to do that, but leaving him is for ME and my kids, NOT for the other man. But after many hours going back and forth about talking to the OM, I realized that if my marriage had not been in the state it was, and if H was giving me everything a woman deserves (love and respect) then I would not have felt a need even look at another man. NOT that Im putting the blame on him, but he has always put the blame on me for EVERYTHING!! From him being in a bad mood to the kids being tired and cranky, no matter what it is its my fault...according to him. Yeah I have done my fair share of things too, but that doesnt give any man the right to disrespect you and put you down, and especially doesnt give them the right to hit you. I dont know what will happen with the other situation, but I do know that it has given me the strength and courage to look at my life and my kids lives and know that we deserve better. Even if nothing else comes of it, I gained my self respect back. Its hard, when you hear how worthless and stupid and what an idiot you are everyday over a long period of time, its hard not to start thinking those things yourself, but its not true. It takes alot of time and support to realize that you are worth something and you do deserve better and you DONT deserve to be hit, cussed at, frightened, ect. under any circumstances.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:17am
No one, repeat after me, NO ONE has the right to hit another person. With the possible exception of self defense, there is no excuse for this type of behavior. Given the situation, your husband certainly has the right to be upset, angry, or sad. This does not translate into the justification to be violent or abusive. And while you may feel remorse at your infidelity or guilt over the disintegration of your marriage, you most definitely should NOT feel that you deserved to be hit. End of discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:31am
Eliza, I am not saying this to fuss at you, but I have told you repeatedly that you did not deserve to be slapped or hit.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:38am
I understand what you are saying but I just about asked for it. My H was so emotionless I said something like "just yell or hit me or SOMETHING". So he syas I did ask for it. Thank changes things right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:04am
No honey absolutely not!
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:39am
Lurker here...Had to respond to this part. First, a bit of background. I am bipolar, and have gotten on, shall we say, weird rants. During one of them, I yelled at my husband, "Go on, hit me! I know you want to!" Whereupon he burst into tears and said "No! I won't do any such thing! I love you!!!" Honey, THAT is what real men do, and that is polar opposite to what my psycho ex-boyfriend would have done. Even "asking" won't get a REAL MAN to do it. What does that tell you?
UCAUTIONIN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ERIN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:11pm

Hey there. When I first read your story, my thought was that it was wrong for your husband to hit you, but under the shock of extreme circumstances I could understand someone lashing out inappropriately and him slapping you doesn't necessarily mean he's abusive. But giving it a little more thought, I realize that's the kind of thinking that kept me in a mostly emotionally abusive relationship for more than 10 years, and I'm upset with myself that I can still slide back into that kind of thinking.

No matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt someone emotionally, you're still not responsible for someone else's bad behaviour. I know some really wonderful guys who are the SO's of my friends. And no matter what my friends did, even if they did something incredibly hurtful and betrayed their guys, I cannot imagine any of these guys hitting them. Because, aside from self-defense, there is never any excuse or justification for laying your hands on someone else. A real man would never hit the woman he loved, or any woman for that matter.

Aside from him hitting you, I also recall you describing him as being the perfect guy and how everyone is blaming you for what you did to this wonderful guy. The guy I was in the relationship with was also such a great guy as far as everyone else was concerned, and although the circumstances of our breakup were different (he cheated), I was pressured by friends and family to give him another chance. Sure he was a great guy. As long as he always got his way, you didn't have to live with him, and you were never on the receiving end of one of his tirades, which could be brought on by the smallest thing. And some of the people who continued to think he was so wonderful and pressured me to stay with him had witnessed him screaming and cursing at me at a party in a drunken rage, but 'he didn't really mean it, he just drank too much and you picked a fight with him, and he's such a great guy, he'd never act that way sober'.

I hope you do take a good look at the checklists. You may find that your 'perfect' husband isn't so perfect. And that may be why your feelings for him have changed. It's hard to feel 'in love' with someone you can't trust not to hurt you.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 3:36pm

And if you had asked him to shoot you or kill you, and he had, would you have deserved THAT? I think not.

Hitting is just plain wrong. And he should have learned that in kindergarten.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 3:45pm

Elizacruz,

You are so bent on wanting someone to say it's your fault and that you asked for it.

Sorry, I won't say you deserved it, but please let me elaborate.

In deference to my sisters out there who are in life-threatening, painful, and horrifying relationships and are trying to get out and with deep regard to those who have, I can't agree that your husband is an "abuser".

"He is the poster child for what every woman dreams of. Caring, works hard, loves me."

Given that you two were in a very heated argument about you wanting to leave him because you had an affair with a younger guy and you want to pursue that and you're bored in your marriage after 3 years, and given perhaps "maybemaybemaybe" you were pushing him really, really far considering the already escalated emotional circumstances, as you say, "he's never hit me and has always been a great guy..."

There are instances when otherwise loving, caring people are pushed too far.

No, he shouldn't have hit you. He should have walked away from you.

I think we must be extraordinarily prudent about labelling people "abusers". I would not call your husband an abuser nor abusive and I wouldn't make this a huge issue when you divorce him.

It's very difficult for women who are beaten, berated, put down, treated like trash, or who are like prisoners in their own homes to get out from under it from abusers. Those who don't have physical abuse are often subject to extraordinary mental mindscr%wing by the person who claims to love them. While I don't condone his slapping you, I can't classify you as abused or that he is an abuser.

As I said, he should not have hit you and he was wrong.

I have come to these boards since 2000. I have received help, been put on track, told it straight, and have maintained outside friendships with some of the strongest and smartest people I have ever been blessed to know.

Some of the girls here may report a violation on my part because they disagree with me, or the (cl's) may ban me from this board entirely due to respectfully disagreeing - but I hope not. Domestic/relationship violence is a deadly serious matter. Please remember, I have not said that a slap in the face is ok. Rather, what I am trying to do is to show a balance.

To you Elizacruz, move out, divorce him, and continue to seek counseling.