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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 7:06am |
So - my question is this. I feel that I need to take responsibility for MY feelings and tell him that I'm not happy in this relationship - I don't have to explain why - that is how I feel - but I do believe that I should tell him my feelings.
That is going to be a rejection of him, obviously any person - emotionally healthy or not - has a certain degree of problems with rejection. I know that I am a people pleaser, I know that I have a hard time when people reject me - that is why I am having such a hard time telling him. I know it will, in his own way, warped as it may be, will hurt.
I have to be strong enough, confident enough in MY feelings. I have to stand my ground (is this a boundary???) and not waiver because I feel sorry for him. Feeling sorry for him is much different from loving someone. I realize now, that feeling sorry and pitying him are the feelings that I have for him. I, for one, know that I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because they felt sorry for me, or pitied me, or were afraid of hurting my feelings.
You know, I just realized this, I've noticed that my family (mom/dad when they were alive, and siblings even still at times) all seem to be overly cautious with MY feelings. THEY have made the decision that they need to be gentle towards me with things that I may or may not like or agree with. THAT has always bothered me. THAT is them assuming to KNOW what I AM FEELING. And because I've lived my entire life with others ASSUMING (and we all know what it does when you assume - makes an a$$ out of u and me) they KNOW what I am FEELING which takes away MY responsibility for MY feelings.
Mmmmh. That train of thought - well it needs some more thought. It may be why I have such a difficult time with MY feelings!!! I don't know what they are because EVERYONE else around me has decided what MY feelings have been. Well, it is time for ME to decide and stand up for (notice I didn't say defend) MY feelings. Take responsibilty for ME and what I FEEL!!
Any of YOUR thoughts are welcome and appreciated here. I do need help in choosing the words to say to him. The jist of what I want to say is that I'm unhappy, and I don't want to be unhappy any more. I would like to say that I don't love him, that I, notice "I", feel for him. That "I" am saddened because I know (or do I assume to know?) that he will be hurt by what "I" feel, but "I" must now do what will make me happy. Oh, hey, am I on the edge of being more concerned with how "I" feel than how he feels? Has it really taken me almost 2 years to GET IT?????
hugs,
Pam

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I understand what you are trying to say...and I'm interested to seeing the responses. I find myself feeling very similar to you, in trying to take responsibility for MY piece in this, for MY feelings. I'm struggling with similar issues...and its to the point where I HAVE to make a decision soon, instead of sitting on this darn fence. I am NOT happy here...and haven't been for a long, long time. I just want out---but I'm having such a hard time saying that--I don't want to hurt anyone--not my h (even though he's been a louse and abusive) not my kids. But to avoid hurting them, I'm hurting ME---by staying here I will suffer the anguish of a life NOT lead by my own standards, how I WANT to live. But I can't seem to make that decision....and its not so much as telling anyone, including h, but actually DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Heck, I can tell anyone anything...my problem is then taking action. I have an attorney on retainer---and frankly, he is just a bit frustrated with me, because I'm not doing anything right now.
I struggle with feeling selfish...and once again, fear....but of what? who knows...just the unknown I guess. I wish I could help you out more.....just wanted to let you know that I'm struggling too....
dharma
I'm babbling, but I want you to know I can relate. I'm not even sure of MY feelings. I wish I could give advice and say "oh, just end it you will feel so much better in the end" however I haven't been there/done that so it is hard to say. When I did leave him a couple weeks ago for an entire week it was very very hard, and very hard to sleep and wake up in the morning. Plus he was telling me everything I needed and wanted to hear, and how sad he was without me and yes I caved. I still wonder "what if" I stayed away, but I also wonder "what if" this works out. But you definitely touched on something with addressing YOUR feelings. I have a hard time doing that as well.
Wish I had better advice for you!
I hear ya, sista. I've been doing this for 15 years..and for the first time, I just feel so 'dead' to the whole relationship...I no longer feel like trying. However, there are times when he is 'wonderful' which makes me nostaglic for how I *use* to feel. He has been working individually with a therapist for well over a month now....and he is 'behaving' in a much different manner---but I realized today that no matter how good he does, it won't take away that fear of "what if" he changes back. He did it once for a year....and then changed back.
Trying to figure out how *I* feel is so very difficult....I'm so used to caretaking and trying to make everything better that I have forgotten what it is that *I* think and feel. I can feel the 'surface' emotions...but have a hard time following my instinct, which is now just coming back to me, but I'm left feeling all confused and a mess. After 15 years of being told that I was wrong or selfish or treated in a manner like I didn't know my head from my a$$, I guess this should come as no surprise.
Even if he *did* become the most wonderful, introspective, in touch with his emotions type of guy....that would never take away the 15 years of mental anguish I have lived through. I could never trust him again---it would take many, many years for it to be re-established, and frankly, I don't want to wait around to find out if the changes are real or not.
But knowing this, telling him this...and then actually taking action to make it REAL are two totally separate things---and its the latter part that I can't seem to do....yet.
dharma
Here's my take:
Abusers go out of their way to invalidate our feelings right from the get-go.
CL-Blueliner4
For what you feel about you, well coming from all I had to do to finally "get it", here goes.
One very important phrase in your 3rd paragraph and it holds to me the key to this. You say you are a people pleaser and you have a hard time with rejection. Bingo! This was my problem and probably that of many here. I know that as a people pleaser I had a very hard time finding validation within myself, I looked for validation that I am a good person from others. When others did reject me, I took it personally but didn't really understand why. It also made the abusers job much easier!
This is when I say that you have to learn to "love the lady in the mirror", that has alot to do with how things go. You have been in this abuse for many years, and during that time usually friends and family can see what's going on, we would think they were overly critical if they didn't agree with us, so most people are cautious, tell us what they know we want to hear, not what they see. It is not their fault for treating us this way because we don't know differently and most of us would stand by and defend our abusers instead of seeing what others have seen. This is normal, it's called conditioning! :)
So you will find that when you start making amends with the lady in the mirror, learning to love her, you will find validation within yourself and not from outside comments. This makes a huge difference in how we handle ourselves. It took me almost 5 years to be able to look myself straight in the eye and say "I love YOU" and mean it. It's not easy and the amazing part is that you will all of a sudden realize that for all the years you've been in abuse, you've never looked directly into your own eyes!
Hope this makes some sense and as far as the discovery of what you're finding. As far as what you feel you need to tell him, trust me when I say, it's all going to fall on deaf ears, he really couldn't care less because abusers will only react to whatever is threatening their control and power. He'll probably do the whole routine of remorse, boo-boo face, begging for another chance and when the sympathy route doesn't work, he'll move into threats and hatred. They only care about themselves and their power, the rest is mute in their lives. After all, we've stepped and fetched for them for so long we not only lose us, we lose our ability to think straight and make decisions for ourself.
So hugs to ya, and I hope you do make amends to the lady in the mirror because she's the one who's going to stand by you though all of this. Take care of you first, the rest will follow on it's own time. Validate yourself from within, not from others, it really does make a huge difference!
Hugs
I can not put all the blame on my current pridicament on my husband. I often wondered why certain people, like my sister, seemed to bother me - I'm beginning to understand it now - too long to try to explain here, but it is hard to *choose* to love someone when they are doing things to try to *make* you love them.
blue - boy do I understand about him *molding* me into what HE likes. He (I'll have to come up with a name for him!) has never participated or encouraged me in any of the things that I have said I like or would like to try, yet I have spent countless hours, days, months participating, encouraging and cheering him in his endeavors.
I do get it. Don't know HOW I will take myself out of this situation, but I will. Blue, like you said, as soon as you stood firm in being YOU, the tough times came out. That is what I have been avoiding. The tough times. The only way out is through. The fire may be hot, but I'll have to go through it because unfortunately, I can't put it out first or avoid it. The rough times will happen. I can no more expect him to change to please me than he should have expected me to change to please him. That he may understand, but he won't understand why I have changed my mind after so many years.
So, my mantra shall be - I CAN do it, I CAN stand it.
Hugs to you all, I'll keep you posted. I may not begin this campaign until after our vacation, I don't want to spoil it for the kids, they are so excited about it - but it won't be long after!!
You are focusing too much on the past, you cannot do anything about the past but make sure it isn't your future.
Figure out the hows and whys after you've found freedom and have had some healing. It will all make alot more sense when you can sit down and with a freer mind, a healthier soul, to look at what may have been and then put it to rest. If you don't my dear friend, this will haunt you forever and you do not need that.
We over analzye, we think we need to know "why" right now, all we end up doing is tie ourselves to the proverbial whipping post and flail away. All that is, is self-abuse and will do nothing to make the answers easier to find, it just postpones the good you will find within yourself once free. It will achieve the abusers goal, to keep us unhappy and under their control. If you don't free yourself from letting his thoughts and his behaviour make you try to find all the answers now, then he will continue his abuse long after he is gone. The conditioning runs deep and will derail you if you don't stop it.
Go and enjoy the vacation, and have some chocolate for all of us!:)
Hugs
I've taken responsibility for ME. I am so much stronger and happier. I can't tell you how much better I feel physically and emotionally and mentally. My true friends and even my doctor have told me I needed to do this for ME. Yes, I saw a counselor...for me, and she helped tremendously. I got the courage and strength to take back my life. Yes, it's tough; it's hard; and sometimes scarey without the financial fallback. But just to be happy again makes it much worth it. And I receive NO support from my family. They think I'm nuts. Funny, I get more support from my mother-in-law. You know why?? She lived it with H's dad. She understands everything I'm going through.
My daughter, she's with me 1/2 and with him 1/2. I waited til after her 8th grade graduation to leave. Two days after---I left. I didn't want to ruin her graduation. It's a good thing I waited because it wasn't pretty that weekend I left. So I understand why you'd want to wait until after vacation.
As my dear friend said, "we're all in one big sisterhood here." We understand each other. We're all here for each other. The "veterans" will help you through. Keep posting. Believe me, this site gave me so much support, courage, and strength to deal. I've only been here for two months and I succeeded in being HAPPY again!! Keep us posted.
Good luck and hugs
Happy!!!
I do understand what you are saying. I keep thinking that I need to figure out my past to see why I stay, but I am also beginning to see I can't change the past, I can accept what I now know that I feel. I'm working on it.
Makesmehappy - I've been coming to this board since about Sept of 2002. I've seen many others arrive, figure it out and get out, I've seen others struggling as I have been and I still see many working on themselves. Yes I know this board has been unbelievably wonderful for me. My posts are few and far between due to work schedules and kids schedules and dh being so darned clingy so that I get very little time on line.
His acute attention to me is exactly what kept me to this point but it is also exactly what smothered any flames I may have ever had for him. I don't know if I ever really truly loved him. I know that I no longer love him. His issues with insecurity and being uncomfortable are just that - HIS ISSUES. My issues are tolerating his need for someone to hide behind thus mold and control. No more. I'm tired of it all.
I'll pig out on chocolate, overdose on 4 wheelin, talk with anyone and everyone while there - it will pretty much drive him nuts - and when he sulks, pouts, crys or ignores - it will make it all that much easier for me to say "asta la vista baby" or however you spell it!!!
Almost afraid to say it, but I'm riding high this week. I've felt good. And I've ignored him sneaking into my brain to cause me concern. I will keep on keeping on and soon - I too will be joining the ranks of those who have left and wondered why I didn't do it sooner!!!
I love you guys. I can feel that way - did ya know that?!? (said with a smirk and a smile) MY FEELINGS - I WILL FEEL THEM and BE OK WITH THEM!!!
This is why most of us here who have been out of the abuse for awhile can see it so differently, we took the time to come out of the cloud of confusion which we all were in and are now seeing it so clearly and more able to understand it all.
Go have fun, resist the urge to push your happiness upon him. Why add fuel to a fire that has burned you for so long. When you're gone, all he's going to miss is someone to cook, clean, laundry, shop for groceries, etc. He's not going to miss the affection or lack of, he'll only miss the selfishness of what he lives.
Hugs and safe journey!
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