How can I help?
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| Sun, 02-13-2005 - 4:55pm |
I remember being home from school all summer and my mom sometimes playing a little game with us called "What Can I Do?" The way it worked was she would start doing household chores and each of us would run up to her and sing "What can I do?" and she would give us a chore. We'd finish with that one as fast as we could and come back and ask again "What can I do?" and she'd send us to the next chore. Amazingly, it worked! That is until we got old enough to catch on.
These days, I belong to a club that uses their celebrity cars to raise money for the Special Olympics. While that is a great cause, to me there is a stronger urgency for the cause of domestic violence. I am surprised at how difficult it is to find ways to contribute to helping victims of domestic violence and raising awareness for the cause. I read tales of women who feel like they are the cause of their abuse, and who are too afraid to leave their husbands, or feel it is too late to leave because of the marriage or the children. I sit back and think about how much I would love to stand before each victim and tell them that this is not okay, there is a life out there for you that is your life and not one that places you in the role of a servant of someone else. I want to be able to say "You have a safe place to go, where you can see what you are worth, and can embrace your independence." It seems to be such a common problem and yet the resources are so few.
The message seems to be getting out that women can be strong, but I sometimes think individuals are taking that to mean that they can simply endure more. Strength can only come from within and can shine through your own independence.
Personally, only one thing gets me angry and that is another angry person. I believe that angry people should be lonely people. As though as a collective people we can show the devil that he will not be tolerated.
And with all of these feelings and frustrations trying to help people collectively stand up against the mini-tyrants inside homes all over the world, I feel like I can't accomplish much other than to observe and empathize. Aside from tying on a cape and flying above every city listening for sounds of trouble, I feel like there is hardly a thing I can do. So I guess my question is, "What can I do?"

"You have a safe place to go, where you can see what you are worth, and can embrace your independence."
One's own home should be a safe place also. in the midst of searching for answers, we seem to assume all women want/ need to leave their own home: their social network, their job, their kids' school,l their live. Why do we often assume it's the victim who should leave- why don't we work on making home a safe place for the women out there who want to stay?
What sort of awareness raising are you interested in? There's an International Campaign against gender violence which takes place each year between 25th November to 10th Decemeber. You could find out if anything's happening in your area, or if not plan events?
How about asking locl stores, gyms, schools etc to display a local/ national domestic violence poster...so to reach women who may otherwise not have access to potentially life-saving information.
What happens to family pets when women in your area escape abusive partners by going into refuges? Is there a pet fostering service - they usually welcome new temporary carers for pets.
Another way of being involved is to contribute to iVillage's message boards offering non-judgemental information :)
"...why don't we work on making home a safe place for the women out there who want to stay?"
Probably the same reason that if someone falls into the gorilla pit at the zoo, we try to get them out rather than focusing on rehabilitating the gorillas. :)
On a more serious note, the frequency of failure would become rather daunting. I've known abusive people. Roughly 0 to -5% of them have actually changed their behavior when people have tried to help. Often, they simply learn to hide it better, or manifest it in another way. My philosophy is that once they push everyone away, then the learning process begins. Prior to that, I haven't got the time or energy to invest in performing a miraculous turnaround. Not only that, but as an outsider I don't want to make myself into a target of an abusive person. I know what it's like to talk to a victim of abuse who immediately runs to her abuser and informs him of my "crazy assumptions." Suddenly, I have a violent person angry with me. I imagine that would be made far worse if I tried to in any way change his behavior. It's just not a realistic approach in my mind.
"Another way of being involved is to contribute to iVillage's message boards offering non-judgemental information"
I hope that's not a criticism of my original post. I gave up on this board a few months ago because the boards often don't load very well on my computer. I still had the link and it worked today, so I thought I'd pose the question that's been on my mind for a while. So far, I haven't logged off.
<< Probably the same reason that if someone falls into the gorilla pit at the zoo, we try to get them out rather than focusing on rehabilitating the gorillas. :)>>
I like the gorilla analogy ;)... but I'm thinking about making homes a safe place for women *who want* to stay and want to kick their abusive ex out. For example, installing tunstall alarms, providing mobile phones with a direct link to the police, personal alarma, placing a 'marker' on the police computer, ensuring police attend an incident ASAP, tagging of the perpetrator as part of sentencing, changing the locks and providing added security at no cost, or low cost for the woman who wants to stay in her own home, provide support and aftercare for her and her children, advice and information about legal / benefit rights- in other words, access to all the information she is likely to need during that time.
I too hold little hope of an abuser actually changing, yet if she decides to stay with him, and he is willing to attend a perpetrator programme, we have to accept that (albeit not the decision we'd have liked). If we stay in touch with the woman and her children, we are able to offer the suppor that meets her needs at that time, ensure saftey of her and her children is monitored. While an abuser is on a perpetrtor programme, the woman will be receiving support to meet her needs. (in UK these should be affiliated by Respect- although I'm not sure about USA)...
<< I hope that's not a criticism of my original post. >>
No is wasn't :)
Edited 2/14/2005 2:04 pm ET ET by alice_the_camel