How to deal with his guilt trips

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
How to deal with his guilt trips
4
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 6:24pm

I posted a couple of times a while ago, and now I need some help again. Like many of you I was a victim of Emotional abuse. I finally had enough and asked for a divorce in January. He ended up filing first. I guess to one up me. Anyways, we were living together until recently. I had moved in the guest room, but we were still in the same house. I just moved out this past weekend. At first I was sad. I didn't necessarily miss him, more that I missed the idea of him.

Since I moved out his behavior has changed. While we were living together he had a lot of anger. Now he is crying just about everytime I talk to him. We have to talk because the house is closing soon. He says things like I miss you, and I didn't mean to treat you that way, blah, blah, blah. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want me to be happy without him! I guess my voice sounded happy. This really pissed me off because that was the problem when we were married. I couldn't have a life without him. He was jealous of everything I did. If I went to a baby shower, he would get pissed off about it.

My question is how should I respond to him. At one point when we were still living together I did confront him and told him that he had emotionally and verbally abused me our whole relationship. He said he was sorry and that he couldn't change. I told him that was his choice. It is like he is clueless. Maybe it is not my responsibility to explain things to him. I just don't know how to make it firm that we are not getting back together without being a total b**ch. I was with this man for 13 years. Besides it is not in my nature to be rude to people. I just don't operate like that.

The other thing I have noticed is that I try to defend his behavior to other people, our title company, our realtor, etc. He has been very rude to both of them and they don't even want to deal with him anymore.

I guess I would like to hear from some people that have been there. What did you do to make it clear to your ex? From the posts here they (the abusers) all seem clueless to me.

Thanks for the input.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:03pm

WB to the board Free....


5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:30pm

Thanks for your kind words. I am trying to have as little contact with him as possible. Tomorrow I have to go over there to take some stuff to the dump. He asked me like everyday during the last two weeks we were still living together if I was just going to leave the stuff there or take it to the dump with him. I think this is more of a control issue than him really needing my help. My son sees it so clearly. He dosn't want to help, but I don't want to be alone with my STBX. So I am going to make my son help, besides some of the stuff is his and he can be responsible for it. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Then after that I will be going to a club Saturday night. My brother's band is playing, and it is about time I started enjoying myself. I deprived myself for so long.

Thanks again. And I will be in touch.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 3:47pm
I think that's wonderful you going out and doing something for YOU.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 4:39pm

Hey Free, welcome back -


At this point, you're right in that it's no longer your responsibility to explain everything to him.

CL-Blueliner4