how do i

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
how do i
6
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:19pm
stop making excuses as to "why" it is such a bad time to end things??? I feel mentally checked out in some ways; until the guilt and scared feelings start to set in. Then i think i don't want to do it. additionally-i don't want to move out of my house. how do i get it to swing the other way/try to convince him that HIM making a move would be a good idea? I doubt I'll have the strength to look at him and say it is 100% over, but at least getting my foot in that door...I don't want to ruin things so i don't do anything. I am finding reason after reason why "breaking up" doesn't make sense, and in the grand scheme of things they are probably minor but I want to know how to carry the strength and encouragement (or discouragement on staying with him, i guess!) I get on this board and take it home with me. Its like I get home and don't want to rock the boat, upset our roommate, cause a fight, etc. Plus we have all these (joint friend) weddings and family events to go to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: unknownname
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:21am
It {seems} easier to stay because the unknown is out there. The first step is the hardest, but well worth it if you are being mistreated. Its like any habit or addiction. COLD TURKEY. just do it. If you have the strength to put up with being mistreated you have the strength to stop it, gather your courage. You can do it.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
In reply to: unknownname
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:37pm
thanks......

it is just so hard though! I feel like I am a fairly strong person in every other aspect. This one though, I just keep thinking it will change but I know it won't...I know my feelings of unconditional love seem to be dwindling though. The worst part? I feel guilty about it. I still feel like maybe some of this IS me, maybe I am being a drama queen, or ask for too much or whatever. Although people who are his friends and coworkers think i am very patient. So we'll see.

What is the worst part is that I am now thinking about my "friend" who told me he was attracted to me. It was just the nicest thing to hear and for some reason i hope he actually meant it and still feels that way. But who knows. It was still nice to hear, except it makes me more confused b/c now I am thinking about HIM! Which I didn't really do before, I just thought of him as a cute friend but not much more. Now I can't get him off my mind. What do you think that means??? I can't tell if I'm just seeking something more/else and its a fleeting feeling or what. As I said he just went through a serious break up so I know there is a part of me that is relating to him....but he is also interested in lots of other girls and being single (that is what he was talking to me about all night long until he told me he was attracted to me. Talk about confusion).

Anyway, I'm going camping w/my bf this weekend with a couple of other people....then i'm going home w/out him for a few days and then its his 30th which i really do feel bad about missing (but again i'm out of town). I feel like I can't do anything or say anything until then. Is that logical???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: unknownname
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:14pm

The guilt you're feeling is completely normal.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
In reply to: unknownname
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:49pm
Re: parents. Nope, not an option. They still like to think of me as a 10 year old---rather, they still wish i was. Especially my mother. I consider myself close to them b/c i love them and know they love me and would do anything for me (ie, i was completely broke they would reprimand me but care too much for me to live on the streets so they would in the end financially support me). However, I hate asking them for anything. My mother is rather religious-well, not in the bible beating way but just a regular catholic churchgoing suburbanite mother-and conservative. They weren't happy with my decision to move away and in w/my bf. And my brother lives w/his girlfriend and i know they essentially "blame" me for him making the same decision (he is 3 years younger). They think i set that example that it is ok. And in some ways their doubts about me moving in are what is making it hard to leave (that we were sharing everything, etc) and I certainly don't want to give them the satisfaction of them being right in that regard b/c i don't think they understand why i did it in the first place. Nor do i regret one second of it-bad or good. I wouldn't be where i am today if it weren't for doing that, nor would i have met the people and done the things i've done if it weren't for him. My parents don't "get it"....they would rather i had a desk job, lived very close to them w/my girlfriends. Well, it ain't that way and it ain't going to be that way. But that is beside the point. Plus, they worry way too much about me, and if I showed an inkling of unhappiness my mother would wring her hands to the bone worrying about me. Not worth it. And that is why i'm not looking forward to going home b/c i don't want to deal with the questions and my answer of "everything is fine." Its more draining than it is worth but I just feel that i should go visit them.

As for the OM---i wouldn't say that is what he is necessarily, he has been a friend of mine (a pretty good one) for the past 2 years and just lately we've been spending more time together. I had an illegal crush on him when i first moved here but not one that i ever thought anything of. And nothing has happened to us, but out of curiousity, do you think i'm going to wind up losing his friendship as well? When you say it never works out-but nothing has happened and i know he likes other women besides me-what necessarily are you referreing to? I just value his friendship right now and yes i am attracted to him but don't want to lose that.

As for leaving....yeah. Hard. Don't know what or how but I do feel a little different in general. And I do thank this board a TON b/c it has been a great venting and support place and don't know how much i would have sorted out w/out it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: unknownname
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:27pm

Ah, Catholic guilt, say no more.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
In reply to: unknownname
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 7:53pm
Hi there! I am in the same boat as you, except i have been in this boat for 2 YEARS!! I can not believe that I am still here. I don't know what stops me from leaving, I know guilt is big factor, but I also think that i am the weakest person alove. I put up with way too much, and I know it. And somehow I still find reasons not to go. And the SICKEST part of this is that I actually got an apartment of my own, and I pay rent every month, but I never go there. i could be happy there, I know it, but I don't go. What am I waiting for? I feel too guilty leaving my husband on his own. I feel like he cannot take care of himself, i feel like he will fall apart without me and it will be my fault. I pretty much take care of everything for him. I mean he does have a job, but who knows where his money goes, I hardly ever see any of it. I know some of it goes to marijuana, he smokes daily. I pay our bills, most of our rent and the rent for the other apartment which he want me to get rid of. I feel like I can't get rid of the other apartment, because as soon as I do, we may get into an explosive fight and I will have nowhere to go. I am so sick of being unhappy, but why can't I do something about it? I'd love some input.

Tamara1213