how do i
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how do i
| Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:19pm |
stop making excuses as to "why" it is such a bad time to end things??? I feel mentally checked out in some ways; until the guilt and scared feelings start to set in. Then i think i don't want to do it. additionally-i don't want to move out of my house. how do i get it to swing the other way/try to convince him that HIM making a move would be a good idea? I doubt I'll have the strength to look at him and say it is 100% over, but at least getting my foot in that door...I don't want to ruin things so i don't do anything. I am finding reason after reason why "breaking up" doesn't make sense, and in the grand scheme of things they are probably minor but I want to know how to carry the strength and encouragement (or discouragement on staying with him, i guess!) I get on this board and take it home with me. Its like I get home and don't want to rock the boat, upset our roommate, cause a fight, etc. Plus we have all these (joint friend) weddings and family events to go to

Chaoslover
Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.
it is just so hard though! I feel like I am a fairly strong person in every other aspect. This one though, I just keep thinking it will change but I know it won't...I know my feelings of unconditional love seem to be dwindling though. The worst part? I feel guilty about it. I still feel like maybe some of this IS me, maybe I am being a drama queen, or ask for too much or whatever. Although people who are his friends and coworkers think i am very patient. So we'll see.
What is the worst part is that I am now thinking about my "friend" who told me he was attracted to me. It was just the nicest thing to hear and for some reason i hope he actually meant it and still feels that way. But who knows. It was still nice to hear, except it makes me more confused b/c now I am thinking about HIM! Which I didn't really do before, I just thought of him as a cute friend but not much more. Now I can't get him off my mind. What do you think that means??? I can't tell if I'm just seeking something more/else and its a fleeting feeling or what. As I said he just went through a serious break up so I know there is a part of me that is relating to him....but he is also interested in lots of other girls and being single (that is what he was talking to me about all night long until he told me he was attracted to me. Talk about confusion).
Anyway, I'm going camping w/my bf this weekend with a couple of other people....then i'm going home w/out him for a few days and then its his 30th which i really do feel bad about missing (but again i'm out of town). I feel like I can't do anything or say anything until then. Is that logical???
The guilt you're feeling is completely normal.
CL-Blueliner4
As for the OM---i wouldn't say that is what he is necessarily, he has been a friend of mine (a pretty good one) for the past 2 years and just lately we've been spending more time together. I had an illegal crush on him when i first moved here but not one that i ever thought anything of. And nothing has happened to us, but out of curiousity, do you think i'm going to wind up losing his friendship as well? When you say it never works out-but nothing has happened and i know he likes other women besides me-what necessarily are you referreing to? I just value his friendship right now and yes i am attracted to him but don't want to lose that.
As for leaving....yeah. Hard. Don't know what or how but I do feel a little different in general. And I do thank this board a TON b/c it has been a great venting and support place and don't know how much i would have sorted out w/out it.
Ah, Catholic guilt, say no more.
CL-Blueliner4
Tamara1213