How do I ask him to leave?
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| Sat, 01-28-2006 - 5:33pm |
DH and I have been married nearly 12 years, and we have four children. Our relationship is so unhealthy it isn't funny. Much of it could be considered abusive. I want to ask him to leave when he comes home on Monday, although we need to go file our tax return on Monday (we should have the money Tuesday). I've written out a long letter basically saying that I hate how things are, that I'm tired of giving in and saying whatever I need to in order to keep the peace, tired of feeling obligated to kiss and hug him...tired of the paranoid questioning of if we are ok or not and the constant phone calls home while he's on duty with the military...asking for half his pay for child support and for him to continue paying the rent on the house; as well as asking for 75% the tax return. THen I'm asking for us both to attend counseling separately for six to eight months minimum before considering a reconciliation.
So many things I'm really tired of. Basically, I'm scared of him, and I'm tired of it. He keeps promising all these changes, yet finds every thing he can think of to blame me for problems between us. I'm not so much scared of him physically, but he has made so many threats over the years about how nasty he will be if I leave him, how he'd take the kids from me, and things like that. He does have an ability to be very cruel.
I'm so tired of constantly being stressed out about everything. I'm really scared right now. I know he will absolutely FLIP. I am wondering if I wouldn't be better off to keep things quiet the next couple days until we have the tax return in the bank and I can take $$ to put into my own account during his next duty cycle, then ask him to leave and for the child support?
All of this is so scary...I just sat through yet another lecture this morning from my MIL about how we need to stay together for the kids' sake. I know I'll get grief from his family as well. My family isn't speaking to me right now because I'm still with him (but when I tried to leave this past summer my mother told me I can't come home).
At any rate...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome, Cori.
The thing with a restraining order, is that if he is under one, he can not carry a gun at work. If he can't carry, he can't do his job. He could end up getting kicked out if I were to push the abuse issue, and then I'd have no way to take care of myself and the kids. I have another 2 1/2 to 3 years as a student before I have a paralegal degree, and I've been homeschooling the kids.
I'm almost tempted to take the money, get tires on the van and head to my mom's...he has said if I do that, then "it's all over but the crying" (along with threats of bringing charges against my mom and another friend of mine) but she's turned me away once, this past summer when I called home wanting help to come home after he kicked the chair I was sitting in. I suppose I could go to my dad's but he's a two-day trip away...I don't know...
Hi cori,
So sorry you are going through this.A few things jumped out at me while reading your posts.Firstly, I agree with cl-gonna on the MIL issue.My MIL also urged me to stay with her abusive son.Not only does she know full well how he is,she has also been abused by her own H for 40+ yrs...yet she still thinks I should endure his behavior because that's her "baby" and it would simply "break his heart" if I left. I got fed up with hearing it and finally told her that just because SHE chose to live with the abuse, does NOT mean that I have to.
You mentioned that if you were to get a RO against your H, he could lose his job.
One night when my H lost his temper and punched a hole in our b/r wall, I called 911.Before I could tell them what was happening, he ripped the phone out of the wall.They sent the police and I told them what happened.They decided on an "emergency protective order.The PO was temporary.. 6 days I think. He was not allowed to contact me in any manner,but never did they tell him he could not carry/posess a weapon.I was to go to court before the 6 days were up and request that the PO be extended for up to 1 year.The PO gave me full use of our home,and our car.I know the laws differ from state to state,but that may be an option for you.
If you feel your H may become violent if you ask him to leave, then I urge you to consider another route.The safety of your children and yourself is most important.I understand how hard it is when you feel like you have nowhere to go,an no way to support your children.But there is help out there,you just have to know where to find it.The cl's on this board can guide you in the right direction.Best of luck to you,stay safe and keep us posted.
Serenity
I'm sorry you have had to go through this. It's terrible to have to figure out how to get out without knowing where you can go.
When I went for my Order of Protection against stbx, preventing owning or carrying a weapon was an option that I could check or not. I didn't check it and the judge didn't enforce it. He doesn't carry a weapon for work, but he does have a lot of guns for personal use. I didn't feel threatened by his guns because he's never threatened me with one. Check with your state to see if that is an option or if because an RO was called the gun restriction is enforced.
Good luck!
Hon, if this guy is as loopy as he sounds, I really do not think he needs to be in a job where he carries a gun anyways. You can get aid to help take care of yourself and the kids; don't let his job stop you from doing what you need to do.
I agree with Gonna's ideas as to how to go about getting out; the important part is that you do not let his threats stop you. He wants you to believe them so that you will stay. Of course, you will need to take appropriate safety precautions (of which a restraining order is one!) but the threats are just another form of manipulation. Check out our board website (follow the "Learn more about this community" link) for ideas on how to get out.
Hi. I am back on the Domestic Abuse board myself. My situation sounds much like yours. I am not at the stage yet of telling him to leave. I'm working toward it. But one thing that so many people have said to me over the years is this:
The brief (weeks/months) period of intense craziness immediately following you asking him to leave IS WORTH A LIFETIME of peace and happiness! I keep telling myself that over and over and it's starting to sink in!
God Bless,
Cathy
Just had to amen that, catally.