How do I do this and WHAT do I do?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
How do I do this and WHAT do I do?!
13
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:33am

I am having a very hard time right this minute. I'm very tired - Dh kept me up until nearly 0300 alternately begging me to not end our marriage and yelling at me, calling me names - we'd been fighting since about quarter to ten. We've been having problems for years and I don't really know just where to start but to deal with just the past week or so...DH said something really rude to me a week ago last Thursday. I stewed on it all weekend while he was on duty with the military. Monday he was all lovey, Tuesday went well until evening when he picked a fight. I don't remember just what it was about. Wednesday after I got home from work, I went to call up something on his computer and in his history was my name connected with a website that I find to be degrading and obscene. So last Thursday I packed up the kids and went to my mother's. I got up there and I was basically brushed off. They all jumped on me and said it was stupid of me to go up there with no plans, and no money and since I'm not a resident of that state (we live 4 hours away and into another state) no lawyer can help me so I need to go back home and kick DH out instead (and basically not bother them).

At the same time, my husband's father was very sick with an allergy to one of the heart medications he's on, and the docs can't do anything about it but give him benadryl which he can't take long term anyways. DH was crying and making all sorts of promises of course like quitting smoking and moving into his parent's house and blah blah blah.

So I came back because I had nowhere else to go. Dh was here when I got home at 0130 Friday and he kept me up for another couple hours hollering at me and giving me a hard time about it all. This weekend has been difficult. I'm so depressed about my family's rejection of me on top of what I'm dealing with with DH. He played nice all day Friday, and Saturday. Saturday night I saw a friend of mine's myspace post saying he'd called her and cursed at her and threatened her. I asked him if he'd done it and he got angry and started yelling at me. I picked up the phone to call my friend to ask her side of it, and to talk about what happened with my family, and he took the phone from me. Then he called her house and gave her boyfriend a hard time, then called her cellphone and cursed and yelled at her some more. He gave the phone to me because she kept asking to talk to me so she'd know I was ok, and after just a moment of talking he grabbed the phone again to yell and curse at her.

I got on the computer to talk to her, and he turned off my computer on me. I went into our room to watch TV and he kept turning the TV off.

Then yesterday morning my back was hurting. I asked him for a couple Tylenol and instead he gave me two Darvocet and I'm only supposed to take one so I was out of it most of the day. His parents bought him the wrong carton of smokes, so last night when I felt better I went to exchange it. I'd told him I was going up to Walmart too, and that I'd be gone an hour or so.

I went to the bookstore and went to write in my diary which had been in the van. I think he read it, but I'm not sure. So on the way home, I decided to make sure I locked the van and hid the key. As soon as I sat down with my oldest to watch TV, he said he wanted the keys to the van so that he could take the boot laces out of my daughter's boots to put in his becuase he has an inspection today (DH is in the military, DD is in the Young Marines). SO I said I'd go get it and he started flipping out.

I refused to talk to him, and he grabbed the cord of the TV to pull it out of the wall and pulled on it so hard that the TV went flying onto the floor and broke.

Then he took the kids' computer apart, and put a password on mine and his; kept going on and on trying to get me to fight. I kept refusing to talk. I stayed calm and just said that I didn't want to talk to him right then. One minute he'd be nice and the next minute he'd be screaming and yelling in my face. At one point he was saying that his parents want to disown me and that he's not going to let me have any food.

I just kept saying that I didn't want to talk to him, and tried to ignore his ranting. At one point, when he said that about his parents I took off my ring and threw it down the hallway at him.

He kept flipping back and forth between crying and begging me don't do this and making excuses like he's just flipping out because his dad is dying...then threatening me and cursing in my face and calling me names like f*&6ing b*&^h (and yes, a couple of my children had awakened during all this and witnessed it - my 10 y/o was freaking out).

I started getting a migraine around the time I finally got the girls back to sleep and I went to lay down. He STILL kept at me, trying to get me to talk and say that I don't really want a divorce and that I'll stay with him. It was 0300 before he let up on me, and not until after he made a hole in the wall above the bed with his hand. I was in SO much pain I was crying and he couldn't leave me alone until I said that I'd talk to the marriage counselor we'd been seeing first.

Then this morning he "accidentally" took my van key with him to his unit an hour away.

****So that's the most recent of all of our problems. He says that if I get a restraining order, I have to have proof. Can you get a restraining order for what is mostly verbal abuse? He says if I take out a restraining order on him that he'll lose his job with the CG because he won't be allowed to carry a gun and he'll lose his security clearance. He also says that if I leave he won't pay my rent or utilities.

I am tempted to just call his command and ask them to keep him at the station but I don't know what can of worms I'd be opening up by doing that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 2:28pm

yes, you can email me. I have to dump the temp files every night before he comes back home from duty anyways. He's been spying on me for years. Reading my emails, tracking my history, he's had programs that record your IM's automatically and all sorts of other stuff over the years. As far as I know the computer is clean now but I don't trust it.

Threats when leaving? Yeah, mostly of how much of his tail he'll show if we split up. NC allows for alienation of affection charges and "criminal conversation" http://www.rosen.com/alienationofaffection/ which he's threatened to use involving my family and my friends. He's claimed that if I leave the state with the kids that it's kidnapping but I haven't found anything to support that. He's said he won't pay for our rent & utilities and that he'll only pay the bare minimum order by the court for child support and not a dime until it's court ordered (however, the military takes a different view on this, and he's required to provide for our housing, electricity and water as well as child support without court order. The housing is only until midnight of the day a divorce is finalized though). He has said that if the kids or I need anything outside of anything ordered by the court he's not about to pay for it.

The worst is knowing that he'd be badmouthing me to the kids all the time.

He's threatened to damage my van if I left because "it's his because he paid for it." and other things I can't recall at the moment. I have an awesomely selective memory I'm trying to rehabilitate.

Oh, and yes, at the moment he has the only debit card for our bank account.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 4:47pm

First I'd like to say I'm sorry for all you're going through. Hopefully things will get better soon and you can get away.
My question to you is, why couldn't you just call out a locksmith to make a new key to the van?

Good Luck,

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 5:09pm
I'm broke until Wednesday morning's payday hits the bank. And I don't have the ATM card or Visa Debit card - he's got those as well.

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