How do I explain this to the children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
How do I explain this to the children?
8
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 6:34am

After 13 long miserable years, I have finally decided to file for divorce. I have posted on and off on this board for a few years with the various verbally and physically abusive things he has done to me. There was one major episode of physical abuse about five years ago (the first and only time) but mostly this has been a relationship of control, verbal and psychological abuse. The physical abuse was very significant even though I wasn't seriously hurt, because right after he attacked me in the bathroom (I had just told him I was planning to seek a divorce)and I started screaming, he went and called the police and said that I had just attacked him for no reason. Because I did fight back and he had a minor scratch on his arm, the police arrested me. The charges were right away dropped after I told my story to the magistrate, but it was so completely devastating to me, that to this day I have nightmares about it and go into a panic whenever I see a police car. I have never been able to forget that all I ever did was take meticulous care of my three children and put up with his bull***** and I end up in jail???

Anyway, due to fear of retaliation and because he promised to get counseling (which he had always refused to do before)after the separation I took him back rather than go through with the divorce, which I should have done.

Now it's been over five years and as you probably guessed, he never really changed but instead has gotten worse, even though there has been no more physical abuse. But the verbal and emotional abuse has escalated: constant criticism, blame, humiliation, belittling, berating me, trying to make it seem like I'm "crazy" by saying I said things I know I didn't say or denying things I know he said or did, constantly trying to make it look as though I have made mistakes or somehow done something wrong, and just continually attacking my character and personality. He is a chronic complainer and fault finder with an angry disposition at all times, and we are all afraid of him. He goes around continually pointing out everything wrong in the house. We are always waiting to see what he is going to be unhappy about next. We are so happy when it's just me and the kids when he is not around, and then the minute he comes in the door, the tension starts, and I can see the anxiety on their faces and in their voices.

I really do believe that they are just as afraid of him as I am, as he has this angry, menacing look on his face at all times. But I feel that they are so used to it that they don't recognize it anymore. They are in denial, as I was for a long time.

Anyway, I have gone on and on, but what I really meant to write about is that my lawyer, who is supposed to serve him with divorce papers on Monday, has advised that I go with my three kids to the shelter for that night and the rest of the week, to avoid any possible violence on his part, but I am so worried about my kids. I am afraid they are going to be scared and angry at me for taking them away from their home and their dad. They do still love him, and in his way, I know he loves them.

In other words, I am filled with guilt for contemplating this and scared to carry it out. The DV shelter said they will take us in, but I'm terrified to disrupt my kids. My 12 y/o dd will be devastated, but I am so afraid to risk violence again. I'm even afraid that when he gets served he might make some more accusations to get me in legal trouble again, or worse, try to get some kind of restraining order on me without me doing anything (after all, he was able to convince some cop to actually arrest me when I was the one attacked---I'm afraid he can talk anyone into anything against me!). There's just no telling what he will do, as he has done so many weird and irrational things in the 13 years we've been married (I could fill an entire board up but won't for now with his strange behavior!).

How do I explain this to him?? They are so in denial that sometimes they will actually defend some of the things he does that I know they know are not right (I have a feeling it is out of fear of him. They know that if Mommy is wrong, I don't retaliate, but they are more scared of his reactions and would prefer to make him be "right" as they know he insists on it at all times).

And also, when do I tell them? The DV counselor said that I should try any way to get them out of the house, even if I have to say I'm taking them to McDonald's first and then not come home.

Please help! I would appreciate any suggestions at all.

Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:10am
First, I want to say I really feel for you right now and what you are experiencing and I want you to realize that all you are feeling is normal, or as normal as can be expected when faced wiht this situation. I know it feels like you are taking your kids away from their home and father but in reality you are protecting them from a potentially very dangerous and serious situation. I assure you when I took my kids to teh DV shelter I felt horrible, like I was subjecting them to some third rate, depraved existance but in fact it was life saving and the kids, barely batted an eyelash (actually they didnt want to leave becasue of the cool staff and super playroom!) And you know, they may be scared and angry but ultimately you must keep them safe, you know what is best for them right now even if they do not see it, and you must keep yourself safe. Iwould definately pursue the route of going to the shelter becasue you can never, ever truly know what these men (men? who are we kidding) are capable of, especially given these circumstances, any your abuser sounds particulary violent. My prayers are with you and your children and just to let you know we went to thte shelter 2 years ago and my children are happy, secure adn safe who now know what a peaceful home truly is and would never wish to go back to be a "family" with their father. You can do this. Keep us posted.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:52pm

Trust what the shelter says. If he was violent before chances are he'll go off the deep end again. Leave drop off the face of the earth for awhile. Not forever just long enough to let the stuff hit the fan and settle hopefully. Plus if the kids miss any school or need security in school and to and from there the shelter can help with that as well.

I would get them out of the house and not tell them until you reach the shelter. Once you are in then you're there for the duration. The counselors can also help you explain what's happening and how this is not their fault or yours for that matter.

I think the kids are afraid from what you've said and after the shock wears off they will probably breathe a sigh of relief just like you will.

Big hugs and let us know what happens. You're not crazy and you can do this.
-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 6:23pm

The advice you have gotten here is the best you will ever hear. Please let us know how you are, we care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 9:50pm

Trust what your lawyer says. It's simply not worth the chance that he might harm you or the children, and from what you say there is a pretty darn good chance he will.

I know it will be tough, but you have to think of the long-term effect on your children. They are already learning that this sort of behavior is OK for men, and the sooner you get away from it, the better. It will be tough for them at first, but you are a good parent, and keeping children away from bad influences is what good parents do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 7:54pm

Hi all and thanks for your replies. I totally agree with the advice and have decided that I am definitely going to go through with it. It's not worth the risk of staying to avoid causing my kids some discomfort (they'll probably freak out to put it mildly, but I'd rather them do that then end up with someone hurt). My plan is that after next weekend, the sherriff is going to serve him with papers, and the children and I will go to the shelter or if there is no room, to a hotel.

Scared and nervous as I am, I have decided to not even think beyond what happens after that and put myself in God's hands and trust that She will take care of me and the kids.

I'll keep you all posted!

Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine,
Vonique

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:22pm

V

"How do I explain this to the children?" By first taking care of their mother. I feel like I am now at the end of the train. I took care of ex and wish I had taken care of myself and my son. I walked on egg shells for 30 years. I wish I had known about "domestic abuse" before I married him. Once I signed the marriage papers I was bought and payed for in his eyes. Now I am trying to start over and don't want anyone else to follow in my foot-steps. Again, I hope I am not being too cruel. I would have chosen a different path, no one wants to end up here, but I thank God every day that I found this place. Take care and we are here,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:21pm

Pardon my intrusion, but I felt like I had to chime in here. Vonique, when I left my husband, my kids were younger than yours (3 and 7) but I doubt my experience is pretty common regardless of age. The first night was hell. My 7 year old son literally cried himself to sleep calling for "daddy". There was no consoling him, he didn't want me, it was daddy he wanted. Sitting in another room, listening to his calls and wracked sobs, I felt like the worst person in the world, felt like I'd left for my own selfish reasons and in doing so was hurting my children (we all know better than that, but in the moment it's hard to see clearly). That was the only night for tears and as early as the next day he seemed fine with what happening. My daughter at 3, took it all in stride, didn't blink an eye about the whole thing.


Within a week I was seeing and feeling a profound difference in both kids. They were more relaxed, happier, smiled and laughed more. The kicker is I hadn't realized the situation in our home had been affecting them at all -- I thought they were happy and relaxed. It wasn't until after he left (and the tension with him) that it was evident how very much the kids had been affected all along. Our house finally became what it should have been all along, a haven for those who lived there, a place to be yourself, to be with those you love. It finally became a home.


I understand your concerns with your kids and I'd be surprised if you don't meet with some upset, anger, blame, etc., but I'll also bet that you'll be shocked at how quickly that's replaced by calm, peace, happiness that comes with the ability to finally be able to let your guard down, stop walking on egg shells and really live your life, being who you are.


Vonique, I want to tell you too how glad I am that you're finally taking this step. You deserve the kind of peace and happiness that comes with living life without your abuser. I was so glad to see your post here. Huge hugs. You've got a lot of people on in your corner, and we're all rooting for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 1:07pm

Thank you 2nd_life and Sherry! 2nd_life, I'm glad you remembered me and my story! Yes, I am FINALLY GOING TO LEAVE!!! Can you believe it? I would get so discouraged with my inability to leave that I not only stopped posting here, I didn't even read others' posts for a while but I am so glad to be back!

It's good to know that your children settled down pretty quickly. I'm hoping mine will too, but with us, we have the extra problem of my older two daughters having some mental health issues (ocd and bipolar) and I am to the point of having gotten them stabilized on medication and continuous counseling for the past three years, and I'm just concerned that this will make them have a setback. However, I actually think they are stronger now, are a little older and wiser, and I really feel that they too have had enough! And I know that once they get used to it, they will do really well as I have a feeling that all of their symptoms are related to living with an emotional brute and the continuous fear that goes with it. I'm really hoping that is the case! In fact, I'm really hoping that my middle daughter's diagnosis of bipolar will be removed, that she doesn't really have it, and that it was all just this horrible situation (the psychiatrist actually gave her a diagnosis of anxiety and depression for the record but is treating her for bipolar. Maybe I'm just in denial about it, but I'm praying it really is only anxiety and depression that will respond to being in a more sane environment).

So I'm terrified but also hopeful! Oh, I could go on and on, but I'm going to sign off on a positive note. I'm sure I'll be back soon and often as my ordeal of leaving is just beginning. Then there are courts, custody and financial issues.........oh gosh, I get overwhelmed just thinking about it.

Sherry, you have really inspired me, too. If you can start over again after 30 years, maybe I have a good shot too after almost 15!

I'll be back,
Vonique