How do I help my mom?
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How do I help my mom?
| Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:49pm |
My name is Melissa. I'm 23, and live at home with my parents, and my younger brother and sister, 17 and 15, respectively. One of my earliest memories, is of staying at my grandma's house when I was around 5 years old, because mommy had a hand shaped bruise on her backside. I don't quite remember if there were other marks. My father is an abuser. He has verbally and physically abused me and my family since then. The ongoing abuse was mostly verbal, but there were many times it turned physical. He's hit my mom several times, tried to break her arm, and has choked me to the point where I almost lost consciousness, to name a few instances. This past Friday, my dad and I got into an altercation. It was over room and board money that I had given to my mom. (she keeps that money in case i need it. for example: car repair. He spends it and then tells me i need to pay more because I am not living/doing how he wants.) I will admit, I am rebellious against my father. do you blame me? Anyway, I went to a friend's house to stay the night. When I came home the next day, my brother informed me that dad beat mom, and then left. Apparently, he wanted her out of the bed cos she defended me in our argument, so he felt the need to push her out of bed, and then kick her in the ribs several times. I want so bad to help her, and to make sure he doesn't come back, but my mom is always so unsure about what she should do. She asked my brother not to call the police on him. It's not really possible for four of us to go stay somewhere else, but I would like to keep my dad away from us until he can get help. I'm scared that my mom will resent anything I do in regards to that. I'm in the process of obtaining info on an order of protection against him. To my knowledge, there's only been one police report made after an altercation. That was when I was 18, and he choked me. Shame on the police for not questioning me, and informing me of what I could do. I regret not requesting a permanent restraining order myself, but I didn't know any better, nor wasI in the right state of mind to ask. Shame on the police again for not suggesting to my mom to take us kids and leave. I'm at a loss on what to do. I don't want my mom to get mad at me, but i do want her to get help, and I want my dad to stay away from her. She's doing really bad, I've never seen her this unstable and I want to help. I have offered up advocacy group info, and she declines it. I've talked to family about it, and so has she. So far, nothing has been done. I know he's just going to come back home with some flowers, and a few tears, and promise not to do it again. I can't fake a happy family anymore. My mom won't listen to me about leaving him. I've offered to get an apartment a few times, i've offered to pick up the responsibility at home. I've let her know that we are not going to struggle if dad isn't here, and that I will put everything on hold to help her. She declines it. I'm afraid that there's going to be a next time, and it's going to take my mom away. ANY advice will help. I'm struggling with what to do as the oldest child. I know adults are adults, and they have to make their own decisions, but I also know that she needs to knwo that it's okay if he's not around, and that things would be better that way. Me my brother and sister have all agreedon that and have approached her.

Edited 3/21/2006 11:20 am ET by sweetdreams893
Probably one of the hardest things about seeing someone abused that you care about is that you can't march in and fix everything. Unfortunately, you have done about all you can do, which is let her know that this is not OK and that there are ways to get out. It's kind of the old "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" cliche; you have given her the information, but she has to be the one to do something with it.
However, don't feel like that is unimportant. Just letting her know that someone does see a problem can be invaluable in the long run. I remember trying to get free of my jerk, and all my friends and family were acting like they saw no problems with his behavior, which made me wonder if I was going nuts. This made things a lot harder, since you can bet that was what he wanted me to believe! If she knows that someone else thinks that his behavior is not acceptable, that may just plant a germ of suspicion and give her strength to leave down the road.