How do I help my mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
How do I help my mom?
3
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:49pm
My name is Melissa. I'm 23, and live at home with my parents, and my younger brother and sister, 17 and 15, respectively. One of my earliest memories, is of staying at my grandma's house when I was around 5 years old, because mommy had a hand shaped bruise on her backside. I don't quite remember if there were other marks. My father is an abuser. He has verbally and physically abused me and my family since then. The ongoing abuse was mostly verbal, but there were many times it turned physical. He's hit my mom several times, tried to break her arm, and has choked me to the point where I almost lost consciousness, to name a few instances. This past Friday, my dad and I got into an altercation. It was over room and board money that I had given to my mom. (she keeps that money in case i need it. for example: car repair. He spends it and then tells me i need to pay more because I am not living/doing how he wants.) I will admit, I am rebellious against my father. do you blame me? Anyway, I went to a friend's house to stay the night. When I came home the next day, my brother informed me that dad beat mom, and then left. Apparently, he wanted her out of the bed cos she defended me in our argument, so he felt the need to push her out of bed, and then kick her in the ribs several times. I want so bad to help her, and to make sure he doesn't come back, but my mom is always so unsure about what she should do. She asked my brother not to call the police on him. It's not really possible for four of us to go stay somewhere else, but I would like to keep my dad away from us until he can get help. I'm scared that my mom will resent anything I do in regards to that. I'm in the process of obtaining info on an order of protection against him. To my knowledge, there's only been one police report made after an altercation. That was when I was 18, and he choked me. Shame on the police for not questioning me, and informing me of what I could do. I regret not requesting a permanent restraining order myself, but I didn't know any better, nor wasI in the right state of mind to ask. Shame on the police again for not suggesting to my mom to take us kids and leave. I'm at a loss on what to do. I don't want my mom to get mad at me, but i do want her to get help, and I want my dad to stay away from her. She's doing really bad, I've never seen her this unstable and I want to help. I have offered up advocacy group info, and she declines it. I've talked to family about it, and so has she. So far, nothing has been done. I know he's just going to come back home with some flowers, and a few tears, and promise not to do it again. I can't fake a happy family anymore. My mom won't listen to me about leaving him. I've offered to get an apartment a few times, i've offered to pick up the responsibility at home. I've let her know that we are not going to struggle if dad isn't here, and that I will put everything on hold to help her. She declines it. I'm afraid that there's going to be a next time, and it's going to take my mom away. ANY advice will help. I'm struggling with what to do as the oldest child. I know adults are adults, and they have to make their own decisions, but I also know that she needs to knwo that it's okay if he's not around, and that things would be better that way. Me my brother and sister have all agreedon that and have approached her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:10am
Hi faerieeyes...I do not blame you one bit for being rebellious against your father. I applaud you for standing up for what you believe in, and am happy that you know that his behavior is wrong and doesn't have to be tolerated. I think that you've done all you can as far as giving your Mom the information she needs to take care of herself and her children. Unfortunately, you can't make her act on it. She has to decide to do that herself. You've offered and she's declined. Sadly, she will reap the consequences of those decisions and you won't be able to prevent it. What I would recommend is that you focus on yourself and your rights and do what you have to do to keep yourself safe, make sure your siblings know that they have options as well, and maybe your Mom will be inclined to follow your example. She might never decide to do that for various reasons. But don't let that stop you from living your best life. You can make it clear that you choose to live an abuse and violence free life and make it happen. Personally, if it were me, I'd call the police every single time he committed a criminal act against me or anyone else in my family. I did it when my brother was abusive and violent towards his wife and engaged in other nasty behavior towards others. It was hard and family members were mad at me for a while and refused to participate in court proceedings, mostly because they believed my brothers whining about how he did nothing wrong and was the victim, but he demonstrated his true character to all of those family members within the next couple of years and it could no longer be denied. My brother is now out of the country, he's still screwed up and has great potential for future violence, and everyone knows it. But we can't do much except guard ourselves and take the appropriate action when the time comes. Meanwhile, things are much better for everyone else. I believe in allowing violent abusers to suffer the full negative consequences of their actions. It is their absolute ONLY chance to force change in most of them, though few ever do learn their lessons. You must do what you feel is right. Sometimes people might be "hurt" by the choices we make, but this is not the same as "harming" someone. Especially when the results of those choices will benefit and be good for them. Your Mom doesn't want you guys to call the police, I know, but this isn't all about your Mom. She is only 25% of the ones being victimized here. You and your 2 siblings have rights too and are old enough to make decisions concerning your own rights and wishes.


Edited 3/21/2006 11:20 am ET by sweetdreams893
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:35am

Probably one of the hardest things about seeing someone abused that you care about is that you can't march in and fix everything. Unfortunately, you have done about all you can do, which is let her know that this is not OK and that there are ways to get out. It's kind of the old "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" cliche; you have given her the information, but she has to be the one to do something with it.

However, don't feel like that is unimportant. Just letting her know that someone does see a problem can be invaluable in the long run. I remember trying to get free of my jerk, and all my friends and family were acting like they saw no problems with his behavior, which made me wonder if I was going nuts. This made things a lot harder, since you can bet that was what he wanted me to believe! If she knows that someone else thinks that his behavior is not acceptable, that may just plant a germ of suspicion and give her strength to leave down the road.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:19pm
I sent an email to my mom yesterday, outlining my concerns and how I wanted to help. I can always express myself better in writing. I don't think she's read it yet, but I'm becoming more confident that she will become proactive in this situation. Ultimately, I think she's just afraid of having a broken family. I can totally understand why. Before I went home last night, I bought her some flowers, and an encouraging card. She works nights, so I thought it would be nice for her to come home to that. She loves getting flowers. I noticed the difference in her right away. She sounded confident this morning. she did freak out a bit cos she thought my dad came back, and the flowers were from him, until she actually read the card. (I wrote MOM on the envelope, but she still thought he may have done it, just to get her to open the card and read it.) She definitely seems to be doing better. I wish I was there that night, because I would have been on that phone so fast to the police. My dad knows that if i'm around, he's going to jail, so he makes sure that I'm not around if he's gonna pull that crap. I talk to my brother and sister about it, and always tell them to call the police if something happens. We don't hesitate to defy dad, but never mom. She's always gotten the most respect from us...we have to make up for dad not respecting her. It so crappy. I mean, my mom supported all of us for 10 years while my dad refused to work because "I do enough around here." During that time, she also paid of his 50k in credit card debt, and sacrificed her own credit to do that for him. He holds all of it against her. He told her she needs to get another job if she can't make the bills. (he pays mortgage, and my sister's tuition, she pays EVERYTHING else, and gives my sibs money to go out.) We recently found that he cleaned out their joint savings account..which was mostly my mom's money she was putting away for my brother and sister for college. Still don't know what he spent a few thou on, but he took it all. Thanks sweetdreams, and Erin, for shedding a little light on things. I'm sure it's going to get harder from here on out, but I know that there's always a rainbow after the rain. Thanks so much.