How do I leave?
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:32pm |
Hello ladies...
I have been here before...months ago around the new year but honestly did not heed warnings to get away from my boyfriend and don't look back despite being 'terrorized', chased, hit in public and private, shouted at etc . We are still together (about 2 1/2 years now) and still going through cycles of physical abuse - he was trying not to go there and managed for a few months but eventually it comes back, esp. if he thinks I am being unfaithful to him, which is often. When not being physically abusive he is very verbally and emotionally abusive..very controlling. He has to have the last word in an argument and operates very much like a prosecutor. He only wants the specific information that will help him prove his point and rejects any other mitigating circumstances or factors. He insists I am lying and does not trust me-- he twists simple innocent facts and situations into some paranoid scenario where I am hiding things, lying, plotting or seeing someone else. It is very frustrating and I feel, in that moment, quite helpless and like all I want to do is placate. It is demeaning to placate but there comes a time when peace is the only valuable commodity and you will do whatever to make that happen.
We are very co-dependent...can't seem to break up for good. He always reels me back and I stay b/c of course I love him and just basically go into denial, living only in the 'good' moment, ignoring the rest until it rears its vile head. The other day we were walking through the park in my suburban neighborhood. THere were not many around..a jogger and a dogwalker. He began screaming and shouting that I had an attitude b/c i didn't 'get any sex' the night before. This was untrue but once he decides he knows something there is nothing that can challenge what he 'knows'. As you can imagine, this was humiliating for me..he told me to stop flinching and that is 'human' to yell and scream. I realized in that moment that I need to get the heck away from this man. There is no way I want to go through my life with this stress, tension and misery hounding me and the accompanying guilt and low self worth (you start believing his lies after a while - that i am stupid, can't think fast enough...etc...sometimes doubt my sanity b/c he has one version of events which differs from mine).
Anyway,...to get to my question. What kind of support should I seek in this? I feel like I need some sort of counseling or something...the situation is not enough that I am trapped in the house with an abuser and need a shelter. HOw about an abuse counselor...is this something I should seek out? I need help being strong when I know he will scream and shout that we will not break up and that when he moves to the midwest in a few months that I will come with him - he said he doesn't care what kind of arguments we have, I am going with him.'
Any thoughts? Thanks for listening...
Butterflie

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well, first of all... congratulations on planning to leave! it's a fabulous idea and something you will be very, very proud of doing in the future.
:)
now that you are going to leave, what are your options as to where to go? that's the first step... where to go.
can you move in with a trusted family member? do you have a best friend who is only your friend and not his with whom you can live for a little while until you find your own place? can you leave the state? (i assume you are living with him... is this true?)
if you are interested in a shelter, if perhaps that is a better option for you, take a stop by the local police and ask them for a reliable shelter and let them know that you are planning to leave an abusive man and stop by and ask them the best way to go about doing this.
there are all kinds of things the girls here can give you advice about doing the right way... but remember, THE most important thing you do is decide in your head that you are leaving him and that's that. no more of this crap, ever. no matter what he does or says. no more. decide this inside yourself with no questions, regrets, doubts or hand-wringing and everything else will fall into place.
now that you've decided to leave, start figuring out where you'd like to go and then we can take it from there.
:) i'm very proud of you and happy for you!
I think it's great that you are planning an escape plan.
Hello ~
Thanks very much for your reply. Well, I should have been more clear - we are not living together but he stays with me from time to time for a week or two. He is with me now (he is between apartments) and if I were to move to the midwest to join him we would live together. That's why I feel a bit odd, silly? asking 'how to leave' -- really, how can I break up with him and get him to accept it and leave me alone? Last week we fought physically and I ended up trying to defend myself with towel racks and kitchen chairs...its too much. I have a constant fear of his mood flying and him just knocking my head off. I degress, however, yes, I just think the act of breaking up will be very difficult. I have only had the strength to do it in the heat of a bad argument. Right now he is unemployed but looking for a job so the level of entanglement, while not as high as living with someone, is still a complicating factor as I am giving him financial support.
B~
well, logistically, i have to ask... do you have a house or an apartment?
As you can well see, your situation with him is escalating and becoming one not of only verbal abuse, but of some seriously potential physical consquences.
Therefore, your decision to break it off with him is something that is a wonderful thing!.
When you think that it is hard... thing of what *exactly* is hard... that you'll have this guy off your back forever and you'll be so proud, or is it that the details are stumping you? you know you're right... it's just a matter of actually doing it.
I don't go for the "pu$$y-footin'" around method. If it's over, it's over. Period. like i said, once you decide this, all we have to do is figure out the logistics of it all.
Mentally and emotionally you're so beaten down that you probably don't think you can think straight... but yes, you can! you can take back your control.
So let me ask again, do you have a house or an apartment? do you have neighbors adjacent to you or are you isolated? Does a trusted family member know what you are going to do? Are there men you trust who stay with you?
Everyone here will have great advice for you... one thing i would not do is break up with him on your turf, not in your house where you alone with him and are trapped. Meet him somewhere in public, you and him, and tell him you no longer can be in this relationship.
Have all his stuff packed and ready to give him. (bags, whatever) and already have the locks changed on your place so only you can get in.
well, that's about it for now... more to come, i'm sure.
Hello HP~
I am in an apartment situation with neighbors to the left, above and under. I am often horrified that they likely hear all his degrading epithets and the occasional blow out and me telling him to leave. Ironically, one of these neighbors abused his girlfriend and I called the police when he hit her with is his car and then drove off. Now, I am afraid that the police will show up at my house and last big fight I did dial but misdialed in panic I think. My family knows nothing about his abusive nature...the neighbors (by default) do and I have confided in one close friend though generally don't share this stuff b/c it feels humiliating and like a personal failure.Most people don't understand why you would stay one second longer than necessary. Of course my BF, like many, is very charming, handsome, smart...blah blah..all the other 'good' things outside of this one very bad thing.
Thank you - I am going to call that hotline. I will stay safe and will post back
with how I am doing..
be well over the holiday!
Butterflie
I hope you do call that hotline.
If he's living with you and unemployed, it could well be tricky to get him out. The previous post about telling him in public and having the locks changed is a good idea. But I honestly think he is major stalker material. Change the locks, yes. But seriously consider a restraining order also.
Hello happypets...
THank you for taking the time to tell me about Maria..Yes, she is to be admired because
she took a solid stand for her own best interests not her boyfriend's. I am going to meditate on that...not there yet. Yesterday, my BF 'happened' onto an old e mail from a male friend, proceeded to grill me about him. In truth and fairness, I admitted that I had lied by omission ...I told him my (old)friend (haven't not been in touch since 2003) and I had gone for Chinese and also to a poetry session (this is from 2003) ... never told him b/c didn't see the wisdom in that.
He proceeded to tell me that he had been sleeping with a ex co-worker. I should have been smarter than to believe him but I went through a wide range of emotions...wanting to physically hurt him was among them..even called the woman he implicated (poor thing had nothing to do with what he said). I ended up hitting him. (I suppose this makes me as bad as him?) He didn't hit back. Yes, this was not really smart just emotions. I was so angry I was ready to take him out. He told me that I just 'got played' and that that should teach me a lesson. He felt that was the only way to get the truth from me and that now I could experience what he experiences because of me. I told him to get out and they he could stay in a homeless shelter for all I cared. He basically refused to leave. I was still angry at him but..surprise surprise..we ending up 'making up' with all its attendant amenities if you know what I mean. THis is our cycle..fight, make up, be intimate and sweet, wake up to criticisms and eventual accusations of my lying to him. Yes, I have lied on occasion but the vast majority is in his head.
Today, if all works out, he will be moving into a place which is great. Its crazy...so yes! I need to take inspiration from Maria! Because right now I feel drained and confused and disgusted (with self as much as anything).
Anyway, thinks for listening and sharing.
B~
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