How do I leave?
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| Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:32pm |
Hello ladies...
I have been here before...months ago around the new year but honestly did not heed warnings to get away from my boyfriend and don't look back despite being 'terrorized', chased, hit in public and private, shouted at etc . We are still together (about 2 1/2 years now) and still going through cycles of physical abuse - he was trying not to go there and managed for a few months but eventually it comes back, esp. if he thinks I am being unfaithful to him, which is often. When not being physically abusive he is very verbally and emotionally abusive..very controlling. He has to have the last word in an argument and operates very much like a prosecutor. He only wants the specific information that will help him prove his point and rejects any other mitigating circumstances or factors. He insists I am lying and does not trust me-- he twists simple innocent facts and situations into some paranoid scenario where I am hiding things, lying, plotting or seeing someone else. It is very frustrating and I feel, in that moment, quite helpless and like all I want to do is placate. It is demeaning to placate but there comes a time when peace is the only valuable commodity and you will do whatever to make that happen.
We are very co-dependent...can't seem to break up for good. He always reels me back and I stay b/c of course I love him and just basically go into denial, living only in the 'good' moment, ignoring the rest until it rears its vile head. The other day we were walking through the park in my suburban neighborhood. THere were not many around..a jogger and a dogwalker. He began screaming and shouting that I had an attitude b/c i didn't 'get any sex' the night before. This was untrue but once he decides he knows something there is nothing that can challenge what he 'knows'. As you can imagine, this was humiliating for me..he told me to stop flinching and that is 'human' to yell and scream. I realized in that moment that I need to get the heck away from this man. There is no way I want to go through my life with this stress, tension and misery hounding me and the accompanying guilt and low self worth (you start believing his lies after a while - that i am stupid, can't think fast enough...etc...sometimes doubt my sanity b/c he has one version of events which differs from mine).
Anyway,...to get to my question. What kind of support should I seek in this? I feel like I need some sort of counseling or something...the situation is not enough that I am trapped in the house with an abuser and need a shelter. HOw about an abuse counselor...is this something I should seek out? I need help being strong when I know he will scream and shout that we will not break up and that when he moves to the midwest in a few months that I will come with him - he said he doesn't care what kind of arguments we have, I am going with him.'
Any thoughts? Thanks for listening...
Butterflie

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