How do I leave?
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How do I leave?
| Sat, 04-09-2005 - 6:54pm |
I am 43. I am in a dead-end marriage. I have 2 Sons the lights of my life :) My H is very self absorbed. Life in our home revolves around what makes H happy. I have allowed this for a long time, so it is clearly my fault. He is not working, but has an income due to a disability. He does a lot around the house. He will cook, clean, and do laundry. You may think "why is she so unhappy with a man like this?". I will tell you. I have been diagnosed with an illness that causes great pain and weakness along with fatigue. So I must pace myself while cleaning etc. He says I move too slow. He is insistant about many things and because I can't move fast enough he will rant and rave. He has us "running errnads" almost daily so we'll be away from the home for several hours, then berates me for not having done anything when we get home. He controls my every moment. I have NO friends. Oh I have people I know who only occasionally phone. I have no real plans to go to movies, take in a concert, or go to dinner. I am only allowed to do this when I push back. Lately I am too tired to push. H is loud and aggressive with the kids. My little guy who is 4 whinces when H screams at him for not listening. The older one tries to be gone as much as possible. When H does help me he spends the next several hours bragging about it. I almost always say "thanks" for his help. But it isn't enough. H says I am ungreatful, spoiled, and lazy. He criticizes almost every single area of my life including my parenting skills. H has a hot temper and calls names. I am ashamed to say that I have resorted to calling them back. That isn't me. Right now H is downstairs pouting about my insistance of going to church tomorrow! He says his whole family knows I am nuts, and nothing but a trouble maker. He pulls the "poor me" routine and has everyone thinking that I am the abuser when I am not. The fact is I want to leave him. I want a life. I just don't know how to leave. He has my self esteem so low that I doubt every move I make now. I look in the mirror and I do not even recognize my own self. I have packed on tons of weight because H determines what we eat. Lots of fat etc. I tried to go on the South Beach Diet, H says "you look fine to me". I went off it and have been binging trying to numb the pain. Why can't I get it????

Welcome to the board Queen....
First of all what he is doing is emotional and verbal abuse.
Youre welcome hun anytime.
Hi Queen,
I have been where you are and want to offer a few words of encouragement to you. Like our CL, I support her recommendation to you to get into counseling and get the books on DV. In choosing a counselor, try to find one who is skilled in dealing with DV and abusive relationships, and preferably a woman. Nothing against male counselors, but I believe a female will be better equipped to see things from a woman's point of view. If the counselor wants to meet with you and your H together, choose another counselor. One of the worst things for a woman in an abusive relationship is to have counseling sessions together with her abuser. Most often, the abuser will learn what not to do and just change up or modify his tactics to control and abuse his partner even more.
As for your H, it should be of some help to you if you can develop a "don't care" attitude (just in your mind, not verbally) with regard to his rantings, insults and putdowns. Accept the fact that no matter how much you try to change yourself to please him, you will NEVER fully succeed because he will continue to find something to gripe about. So give up now. Focus your energy and efforts on protecting yourself and your children, and strengthening your resolve to leave. Make up your mind now that when you finally do leave, you will NEVER return to him or give in to any requests on his part to give the marriage another try. Keeping a journal of all the crap he's put you through, name-calling and such will help you remember how he really is and that no temporary "honeymoonish" change on his part will be long-lasting or permanent.
Begin now to develop a plan of action for getting out safely. Do you have a savings? If not, establish one now at a bank or credit union that he knows absolutely nothing about. Keep the paperwork hidden from him, as well as your list of things to do in preparation for your move and future legal sep/divorce.
Tell him absolutely nothing of your plans to leave. And if I were you, I would tell as few people as possible -- only those whom you know will keep your plans in the strictest confidence. Pray for God's guidance and ask Him to bring to your mind all the things you need to do and take care of before you leave. He did it for me, and He'll do it for you too. Just make sure you keep this list and the books on abuse completely hidden from him.
Begin now to think of yourself as being separate and free of him. I used to fantasize about having my own place again and being free of my XH's putdowns, insults, condemnation, and being free to live life on my own terms and do what I want, when I want, and the way I want. This can be incredibly empowering! Visualize and see yourself and your boys living happily together in your own place. With regard to your illness, ask God for healing. A lot of the physical pain you suffer with now could be in direct relation to all the stress and abuse you're enduring because of your H. Getting out of that environment could help place you on the road to recovering your health. Remember, there's nothing too hard for God to do, and that includes providing healing for you so you can be there to take care of and provide for your boys.
The smart businesswoman that you were before you married your H is still there. Rely on her to help you accomplish all that must be done in preparation for your NEW LIFE!!! Ask the Lord for wisdom, strength and guidance and He will give it to you. He doesn't want to see any of His children suffering at the hands of anyone, and that includes an abusive H. Your H has already broken his vows to you by not loving, honoring and cherishing you as he promised on your wedding day. Suffering in an environment of hatred and abuse is grounds for leaving.
Plan now for the start of your happy life Queen! It's coming and will be here before you know it!
All the best,
Heymum
Edited 4/11/2005 12:04 pm ET ET by heymum
Edited 4/11/2005 12:18 pm ET ET by heymum
You message has given me hope. That is something that I haven't had in a long while. Funny about the fantasy...I have done that very thing. I fantasize sometimes about a man just being tender towards me. Kind words etc. Not even sex isn't that funny? You know he's already trying to do the "honeymoon thing". I had a bad IBS attack this a.m. and he said "I wan't to help you all I can" He even took the 4 year old and went out so I could have a quiet house. I still feel that horrible anxiety around him and I am almost ashamed of it when he's nice, but I know that its only a matter of time and he will be that same angry person he always is. You have been there. I can tell. Your words are my very thoughts. Do you ever feel different from other people? Like you are in a cubicle and all alone while you "watch" others who are happy and whole? I look at ohter women and wonder why is it happening to me and not you? Thanks for your posting to me. It touches me that you've cared enough to.
Queenie
I'm glad my words have been a source of encouragement and hope for you (seems we can never have too much!). I can certainly understand your fantasizing about a man speaking tenderly to you. Towards the end of my former marriage and for a good while after it, I was a bit hardened and jaded towards men. I just wanted to be left alone and didn't even want them looking at me. It was just enough to focus on finding a job and having my own space again.
Whatever you do, don't allow his efforts to initiate another "honeymoon" even faze you. You've BTDT and know the drill. Don't allow any of it to cause you to feel ashamed in the least because you and I know that the honeymoon phase is initiated as just another manipulative ploy to keep you right where he wants you -- under his thumb.
Yes, I definitely feel different from other people. No better and no worse, but certainly different. With one in four women (and the stats are probably higher) being in an abusive relationship, I'm finally in a good place emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially, and no longer **need** a man in my life. I no longer have the hunger for a man or a relationship that I used to in my 20's and 30's, and that too in itself is very freeing. I'm happy and fulfilled right where I am. The grass is definitely greener on MY side of the fence as far as I'm concerned. I'm no longer in an environment that's filled with putdowns, insults and criticism. I'm free to do as I please and outside of my job, my time is my own.
Hang in there and be encouraged Queen. Your day of freedom is on the way!
All the best,
Heymum