How do I move on peacefully?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
How do I move on peacefully?
5
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 4:16pm

I broke up with my boyfriend 4 days ago. We are both near our mid-20s and dated for a little more than a year. We fell in deep love nearly immediately to both of our surprise. In the beginning, he showed signs of intense jealousy and distrust but I didn’t find it as reason to make a break. Eventually, he would curse and call me names, accusing me of all sorts of things. After about 10 months, he became increasingly aggressive with me. As there are 2 sides to every story, even he could not explain what I have done to cause his outbursts. I did not cheat, flirt, or even look at other men – he’s never even had any reason to think so. I don’t dress inappropriately. I did not even curse or encourage his anger.

The first major incident occurred at my house where he entered while I was in the bath. He had been drinking all day and lay on my couch - although there are many instances when he was not drinking and had already caused me to have bruises. I tried to wake him when I came into the room to no avail. After a couple of hours, I let him know that I was going to sleep. He was furious that I was going to bed without talking with him. I honestly don’t know what set him off but the rage in his eyes was immense. He grabbed both of my arms and held me down into the bed while yelling at me. I rose to my knees only to let him know I was standing up for myself and told him to leave the house. He pushed me so hard that I flipped off the other side of the bed onto the floor. I hit my knee on the metal bar of the frame. First he cried, and then he came over, got on his hands and knees over me, and yelled in my ear. After that, he broke my bedpost, and flipped over my couches.

Foolishly, I thought that this first exhibit of physical abuse would be his wakeup call. Only two weeks later, he grabbed my jaw and used it to push me against the back of a car and hold me there while yelling and calling me names. I made sure to keep a distance for a week, during which I explained that there would be no relationship unless he sought professional help about his anger. At first he refused, but after a couple of days, he called in tears saying he’d do anything it would take. Of course, that slid to the backburner and led to this past Friday when we were in another city with a big group of friends. We arrived there separately and soon an argument ensued, during which he called me all sorts of dirty names. I came to the realization that I needed to leave him there and go home – all the way across the state. I knew that if I did not, I might pay for it at the hotel later. So I did go home, without him knowing, and I have not spoken to him since despite his calls.

Of course, we share friends and it makes even harder because we both play softball. There will be many crossed paths. What I need is some hopeful words – anything – because the pain is great. I have no intentions of returning but it doesn’t mean that the love is gone. I’ve always had a stronger mind than heart but I’m hurting. Please help - I want to so badly to mentally and emotionally move on.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 9:17pm

Welcome to the board Wayward...


First of all, I won't lie to you, leaving an abuser is hard and often times painful, however, it is doable.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:45am

Yes, I have realized that "no contact" is important this time around. I am not answering calls and have even considered changing my mobile number. I have decided that if he starts coming to my house, that I will stay with family for a while.

I was reading around on this site last night and came across some things. Besides the physical and verbal aspect, these things are so very familiar:

"He doesn’t recognize the damage he’s done. He gets angry with you over the consequences you’ve suffered over his abuse. He’s mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don’t trust him, are hurt, and angry. He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something’s wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences. He claims that he would never hurt you, despite that he’s done many things to hurt you. He’s mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so. He’s impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn’t made the changes you requested, or hasn’t changed but claims he has."

And especially this:

"Abusive men often say I’m sorry then get mad if you don’t immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward."

P.S. I see you like the Titans. When were in the other city, we were in Atlanta watching the Falcons vs. Titans. The verbal abuse happened there at the Georgia Dome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:06am
Yes, I'm a big Titans Fan.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:10am

Typo in my last post, I meant to say small steps lead to bigger steps.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:19am
Thanks for your words of support.