How do you do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
How do you do it?
3
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:54am

I posted here last week and have been lurker since then gathering up the information and what-not that I could. I've been yo-yoing on my thoughts - mainly because things with my live-in boyfriend have been yo-yoing.

Things went pretty smoothly through the weekend until Monday evening. We were laying in bed together watching TV and I moved to put my arm around him just as he was shifting and I ended up kind of hitting him in the chest. He got mad and jumped up and started punching my hip and leg several times (I was laying on my side and I think this is the most violently physical he's ever gotten) and left the room. I guess it was a nervous reaction but I started laughing until he got frustrated and left the room which is when I started crying. When he came back he acted as nothing was wrong and the rest of the evening was uneventful.

Tuesday night he was as sweet as could be and just wonderful. He came home with two dozen roses - which he never does. I don't get anything from him except for birthday or Christmas time. It was just a great night.

Then last night we were going to go out to dinner. When we got into town I suggested a couple different places we could eat and he wrinkled his nose to each of them but when I asked him where he wanted to eat he wouldn't answer me. I asked him a couple of times where he'd prefer to eat and he exploded saying that I needed to just pick a place and stop driving around.

At the restaurant he got angry because after we ordered our meals the waitress took our menus and he started mumbling that he had wanted to look at the appetizers too. Well just about then our waitress walked back by and I asked her if we could have a menu back because we might be interested in an appetizer. This infuriated him - he never makes a scene in public but he was clear that I NEVER do ANYTHING like that again. Oh yes and the eyes, I'm sure that most of you know the "angry eyes".

When we got home that evening he asked me if I was going to bed (I usually go to bed earlier than him) or if I wanted to do something. I told him I wasn't going to go to bed but he could do whatever he wanted - he seemed to be planning on playing on his game system. I thought about it a moment (because I didn't have really anything to do) and suggested that if he wanted to we could do something together - talk or play a game. He didn't respond and I had been facing away from him when I spoke so I turned around to innocently ask him if he had heard me (I wasn't making an accusation or being 'snotty'). He jumped up to turn everything off and stormed out of the room. I followed to see what had him so upset all of a sudden and he told me that he was angry at me for not bringing anything up before he started on his game and then for pushing him for not moving fast enough. I was finally able to explain to him that my suggestion and question were innocent but he refused the possibility that he had done anything wrong. I told him he had over reacted but that just started us in circles. Anything to admit that he's never wrong. Then he started accusing me of needing to grow up or I was going to grow old alone. I did loss my temper at that and told him something like "that's rich coming from you, Mr. I'm always right AND everyone else is always wrong. After that I told him I was tired of this and that I was going to bed. He followed me in a little while later and started acting all lovey-dovey again.

I don't feel crazy like I used to after our rounds like last night but I do feel at a loss. On the one hand I'm upset at myself for not just walking out immediately. I don't have much of anyone I can talk to about this, and I'm afraid that if I do say anything people will either think I'm not worth the time because I haven't left already or think that it's all in my head. Then I also get to thinking that I'm not giving him enough of a chance. I get to thinking that maybe if I just talked to him about what he's doing to me maybe he'd understand because he grew up in an abusive home - but then I also worry that maybe he'd just get furious with me for suggesting such a thing because "nothing he did could ever match what was done to him". I'm really not sure how to go about any of it. Is it even worth trying to work on? I'd hate to walk away without giving him the least bit of a chance. Am I a fool? How did all of you ladies do it? Most of you were so much more invested in your relationships (marriage, kids) than I am and I'm having such a rough time wrestling with what to do.

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: saydar
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 5:33pm
I can tell you from personal experience that no matter what you say and do,..it's never ever good enough for these guys.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: saydar
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 8:39pm

In all honesty, my XH didn't give me much of an option.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: saydar
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:26pm
How did I wrestle with what to do? I went through the same thing as you are, from the very beginning. I blew it off as normal behavior and believed I had to just let him be himself. I tried to change to not cause the agression. But it didn't work. 10 years later and 5 into the marriage, I had a son. Still no improvement, and in fact it was getting much much worse and physical. Five years later I was crumbled mass of emotion, very little trust in people, and just a plan mess. But he convinced me that sticking around would most likely be the death of me, literally, and so I left running as fast as I could. So, I would say everything started pretty much where you are now. That would suggest there is a good possibility that if you stick around you will be pretty much where I am now. I don't think you would want to be there, it is a very difficult place and so many nicer places to be. Worse case, you could be in a much worse position than me right now. That is even more frightening. But reality is that I tried to wrestle with all the things you are wrestling with now, and it didn't work. The only thing that did was leaving. However, you have one huge step up on me that early in the relationship, you are already seeing it for what it is. And I hope that is a sign you will be in this mess for a lot shorter time. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't think ANYONE but him would think you are crazy for wondering if it is abuse. It seems pretty clear to me. But I sure do understand why you are questioning your judgement. It is a common reaction for nice people, because we don't like to put blame on others in the way our abusers do and it makes us uncomfortable when we do. But sometimes someone else IS to blame and we shouldn't feel like we have to somehow share that blame to make ourselves feel better. But whatever you decide of course I believe I speak for everyone when I say we are there behind you and understand.