How do you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
How do you know?
8
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 5:54pm

Out of the maybe 1% of men that do change, how do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 7:43pm

I just have one question ?

why did you take his phone call?? why did you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 8:48pm

Dear Freeatlast,

Everything you said makes so much sense. I hate being this weak and vunerable. I just want to be "over it" now, but I have to realize that it takes time. Funny, I asked him again about locking me out of the house when we spoke last night. I told him that was actually the breaking point that made me file for divorce. Of course, he doesn't think so and told me that it was that big of a deal and that I only had to ask him about it. He said he was to busy working on saving our marriage to tell me about the locks. That makes no sense to me. I told

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 10:24pm

Just the fact that he "doesn't need help" and that "he has changed" without doing ANY work should show you there is no chance that he is in that 1 percent. He is willing to go to marriage counseling -- you know from the book and from this board that marriage counseling is a terrible idea with abusers. He is not interested in working to change, he thinks he is fine and you "overreact." These actions alone should show you there is NO chance that he is going to change.

NEVER, EVER talk to him again. He as proven again that he is unworthy of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 10:27pm

When he quits telling you with his words that he has changed and realizes his mistakes and starts showing you with his actions...that is how you can tell if he really has changed....as long as he is willing to just brag about his changes but not show (and like for more than a year of consistantly showing the positive difference) by leaving you alone and living a positive successful life.

As long as he is telling you with his words how he has changed...you can put money on it that he has not changed at all. As long as he is putting conditions to going to counseling (like not personal counseling but marriage counseling) he is not interested in really changing. When they promise to go to counseling, be sure you see the actons before you buy his bs...he must be willing to be in personal counseling without you promising to go back...he needs to decide to go to counseling to change for himself.

That is how you know

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 11:58pm

Do you not hear what he says????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Sun, 06-12-2011 - 9:07am

I am in counseling, but I feel like I can't get past the wall of guilt & sadness. I was angry for about a week, then it went back to sadness.

Frustrated: He says that he wants to show me he has changed, by us starting to date, etc. I can't bring myself to even see him. He doesn't feel like I have given him a chance. I know I shouldn't care because of the lack of love and being afraid of going back, but I don't know why I have these other feelings. It is almost like I am starting to miss him, but not really. Then, I think maybe I am just missing the companionship, but we never really had conversations or cuddled.

I don't know. Is it normal to feel all of this and not know how to describe it? It is killing me inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 06-12-2011 - 11:16am

Hi;

Of course what you are feeling is normal.. You were married to him for 15 years. That kind of committment abuser or not doesnt just wash away with the tide.

It takes time to grieve and heal and move on from any type of relationship whether good or bad.

So what I would suggest is to do all you can to grieve this and take this time to take care of yourself. you are focusing too much on him and not YOU... Remember read a book; take a bath; take a walk;; watch a good crying movie.. You need to practice self care as they call it.

When I first left home and was living with a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2010
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 1:08am
if you are afraid to be alone with him, then don't. you know you are vulnerable and so does he. please read lundy's book over and over if you have to. marriage counseling can be used as a tool for abusers. they often hold everything you say in the session against you as a form of abuse and control. that is why he doesn't want to go alone, because he doesn't want to change. he wants to use counseling as a way to suck you back in. sadly, that won't be his first attempt unless you maintain NC. abusers almost always have a motive in their every action towards you. and it is ultimately about maintaining their control over you. stay strong. read a lot. write a lot. and talk about it a lot. i was where you were 11 months ago and i am now a completely different person after moving past the initial stages of shock and greif over the realization that my marriage was abusive.