How do you know when it's abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
How do you know when it's abuse?
4
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 7:49pm

I read sweetlilamber's post about how jealous her H is and some of what she posted is just like my h. I am married, 10 years, 2 kids. My H isn't all that jealous but he screams at me--gets in my face. This is mostly when we have "discussions" about things that are bothering me. Here's how it goes: H irritates the crap out of me until I can't stand it. I say something and he goes on the defensive. If I force the issue, he keeps getting louder and louder until he is in my face, screaming (red-faced) and slamming his fist on the counter, table, etc. He WILL NOT take responsibility for anything. It makes me crazier than crazy!!!!! A lot of times he'll scream at me that it's my fault or turn it around on me for something I did that he is not making a big issue over. He also tells me to "just go file because I'm not living like this". I have asked him to move out countless times and he says he won't--if I want that then I move out without the kids. Like hell. Later he'll act like everything is ok. I recently quit my job to stay home with the kids and he is now unsupportive, even tho we are fine financially. He says I'm lazy, has said I haven't been worth a sh-- this summer, how mean I am and I have such an attitude. He told me to get off my ass and polish up my resume because my "vacation" was about over and he started laughing. I called him an ass. He started laughing and said he was just joking. I was still pissed. He will do and say stuff and then when I get pissed he says he's just joking. He told me to get a boyfriend earlier this summer and then laughed when I said I would. He said he wasn't worried because I wouldn't be able to find one. (for whatever it's worth I've just lost 40 lbs--which he has said nothing about---and have been hit on more in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life. So there.) Is this really the way a loving man treats his wife? This has been going on so long, I don't know anymore. Later, after these little episodes, he'll ask something incredible---like if we were still taking a vacation next summer and what am I doing to plan it? OBVIOUSLY he doesn't get that I am trying to find a counselor and atty---I have NOT told him this yet. He also loves to intimidate me. He loves to shove me, stand over me and look down at me with ATTITUDE, clench his fist and put it in my face, he has bruised my arm before squeazing it, he's pushed his fingers in my shoulder blades and shoved me. He NEVER apologizes for anything and he used to tell me to get over it or just go along with things. Now I get the silent treatment a lot when he's mad. He never takes the initiative to make anything better, find out what's wrong with me. He is basically also very uncommunicative. He yells at my daughter (age 6) and the two of them don't speak a whole lot--it does get better on weekends it seems. He yells profanity at my son (age 2) and I did get him to stop when my son was saying "GD" at everyone we knew and everywhere we went.

I guess I never really thought about this being abuse before. I just thought he was abrasive and blunt to the point of being an ass. Is he abusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:54pm
Yes, he is absolutely abusive, no doubt about it. Please take some time to check out the homepage, particularly the checklists of signs of abuse. Also, check out the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. That book will be extremely enlightening as to why he does what he does. A lot of people on this board will not have access during this weekend, so be sure to check back next week for more responses. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:32pm
After being in an abusive relationship for nineteen years I will tell you this. You know deep down you are in danger and your child is in danger also. You know deep down that he is on the edge of attacking you and your child. He is barely holding himself back from beating the crap out of you. He is already hurting you and your child. It doesn't get better, it just gets worse. Get out now before you are seriously physically injured. Your child and you are already emtionally scarred. Now it is time to get out, before it is too late. I know, I got out but I suffered greatly for a long time and I suffered some bad injuries both physical and emotional. Now single at fifty-two year of age I am not sure if I will ever be in a relationship again or if I am capable of ever trusting a man again. Get out now and have a life for you and your child. KathyC1973
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 7:37pm
ITA with the other posters, Camaro.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:34am

You know when it's abused if you feel abused. Generally, if you feel the need to ask the question, you probably are.

I second other posters' advice to check out our website and access resources locally. It is highly unlikely that he will just stop, and you need a plan of action for when (not if!) he escalates.