How do you leave?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
How do you leave?!?
2
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:33pm

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years this June and we have lived together for 2.5 years. Him and I have a wonderful relationship...when things are good. When things aren't - it's...well...NOT good! LOL!

Both of us have our personal issues. Mine are that I was molested at a VERY young age and find myself in abusive relationships (always verbal/emotional - never physical) over and over. His are that he grew up in an abusive household (his parents were physically violent to each other and to his sister - but never to him.) I have gone through counseling and know where my issues are but I am having a REAL tough time today and just need some support!!! He has JUST started counseling for his issues (anger, control, etc) but has only gone 4 times and one time they didn't even talk about his issues at all - they talked about house buying! We are also in couple's counseling which seems to work when we are there - but when we aren't - it doesn't (so I guess it just means that it isn't working!)

So last night we were hanging out and watching tv. He was a little aggitated - I think because he was tired - but I just didn't let it affect me. He got up to make a sandwich for dinner and he was snorting (through is nose - as if he was sick) the entire time - LITERALLY like every 5 seconds. (He does this on a normal everyday basis - but about every 5-10 minutes!) It is SUPER annoying and I try not to say anything to him about it because I know it embarasses him when people say something about it. But last night he was just LITERALLY doing it every 5 seconds (if not every 2 seconds) and I asked if he needed a kleenex. He said no and I just said "because you are snorting A LOT right now!" He just ignored me and kept doing it. I said "are you okay?" thinking that something might be wrong (allergies or whatever) and he just looked at me and shouted "SHUT UP!!!!!" So I got upset and just bit my tongue and continued to watch tv! He then ate and asked if we could talk. I said okay and asked him to turn down the tv and he ignored me. So I reached for the remote to turn it down and he got SO MAD and threw a pillow deliberately at my face - got up - left the room and slammed the door. I just sat there in shock trying to figure out what the heck just happened. Granted, it was a pillow - but that was the first time he has done something like that - deliberately meaning to hurt me or get a point across or whatever. So I went to the back of the house to talk to him about it and to tell him that was unacceptable - he just told me leave him alone (but not in that nice of a tone - add a few F words in there) - so I did. I went and watched tv some more and then just got up and went to bed. He opened the door to the room and just starts SCREAMING at me at the top of his lungs (and he is SO SCARY when he is that mad!). I told him he was out of line and I was not going to take it and to leave the room. That was it. He then lost it. I have NEVER seen him that angry and yelling and cussing at me like that. He was literally 2 inches from my face at one point. I have never been that scared and I threatened to dial 911 and I begged him to calm down because I didn't want to do that and jeopardize his career (he's on probation at his job and he would NEVER be able to get a job in his field again if the police were called.) He wouldn't stop screaming - so I just got dressed (I was in my pjs) and left the house. He kept telling me while we were arguing that I can't accept him for who he is (because I complained about his snorting) and that I have ruined his life and I should love him no matter what. And the thing is - I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do love him despite his flaws!!! By the way - that was not the FIRST time we had an argument like that - but the first time he deliberately threw something at me and the FIRST time I was actually scared for my life. He didn't lay a finger on me - but he was SO MAD that I thought he was definitely going to if I didn't get out of the house!!!! And honestly...I REALLY don't know why it got so out of control and I REALLY don't know why he was so upset to the point of doing all he can do put me down. I can only come up with that he was embarassed I mentioned the snorting thing that he had to make me feel bad too! (BTW we just had another disagreement this past Saturday when we were vacationing with friends and he thought I was mad at him (when I TOTALLY wasn't) and he took me aside to tell me how stupid I am! And...just to give you a history - ANYTIME I am right about something and he is wrong (like when we got lost this weekend) he just CANNOT handle that!)

So being the co-dependent person I am - I am now here alone today (he is on shift for 48 hours) and I am going through everything OVER AND OVER in my head and now starting to feel like I am all those things he has said and if I would have just shut up about his snorting none of that would have happened. I am in blaming mode (blaming myself) and excuse making mode (by excusing his behavior because maybe it was my fault and maybe I really have made him not know who he is (as he said) and maybe I really have sucked the life out of him like he claims!)

Being as scared as I was last night - and seeing our fight escalate the way it did (they seem to get worse and worse) and seeing him SO ANGRY to the point of where I think he was blacked out while screaming at me (I seriously think he was that angry - I didn't even recognize him and his eyes appeared 'dead'.) - I do not feel safe around him. And you want to know the pathetic disgusting part?!?!? I HAVE NO STRENGTH TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW and I am telling myself every thing possible of why it can work!!!!

PLEASE someone give me some words of advice here. I am so co-dependent and cannot stand up for myself (because I never have and when I do now - it provokes him) that leaving just feels like the equivilant of death right now. I love him so much - but when he gets in these anger modes - it is so scary. BTW - he is not addicted to any type of drug or alcohol so they do not enhance these episodes. I almost wish he were because I feel it would be so much easier to explain his episodes! :(

Has ANYONE been in a situation like this - or am I just really screwed up and issuey and there is no hope for me OR this relationship?!???? Can this relationship ACTUALLY be mended (I tell myself it can since he is in counseling) or am I just looking for more excuses!!!! Anyone out there that can relate or give me some wisdom?!?!? I am so lost and so hurt and so scared right now. I am just GLAD he's gone for 2 days - but it doesn't seem long enough!!!! I see my counselor tomorrow and I am praying he gets an overtime shift!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:33pm

First and foremost, Wings:


THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:48am

None of this is your fault. At all. He would dearly love for you to THINK it is, because that would reinforce his worldview that he can never be wrong, but it isn't.

The snorting thing sounds all too familiar to me. Mine, while he didn't do that specifically, had a whole host of little annoying habits that he threw a fit if you corrected him on. My own belief is that it's part of a control thing, to see what they can get you to put up with before you snap.

You are not hopeless; as Gonna said, you've been conditioned, which is quite a different thing to being codependent. You are perfectly capable of having a healthy relationship; it's just not going to be possible to do so with this guy, who wouldn't know healthy if it bit him on the butt. I agree that the best thing to do is to call your local DV shelter, who can advise you on the best course of action in your area.

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