how do you put your life back together..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
how do you put your life back together..
9
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 11:29am

Starting a new thread..First of all, thanks cl_queen and all for writing. I do realise for me to take ANY action I need to get stronger so that I can do things with clear head. I do agree that I tend to over analyse and think and at the end, that typically keeps me in the same state I was. My therapist says the longer one stays with abuse, the harder it is to think clearly because your self esteem is shattered. So I am starting this thread for ideas on how to get mentally stronger so that one can leave and when they leave, they can stay away. Here is what I came up with

- journalize every negative behavior so that when the 'good' comes and I second guess, I can look at my list.

-write down my fears and how to counter them

- start doing things that I want to do, set up time for myself, see how he reacts

- connect with friends and family whether he blows up or not

The thought behind the last 2 points is , the more he yells or gets irritated, the easier will it be to take that step.

anything else? I think if he had fits of rages and viloence, maybe it would have been easier to leave. Anyway, I feel it is easier to tell people to just leave, but I think the inherent part is low self esteem, mentally beaten down, low confidence, dependency, fear of custody, fear of finances, effect on kids..we have to first address each and every fear and bring up the self esteem so that women will take the step that needs to be taken.

Also cl_queen and freeatlast (thanks for your post) are right. If today DD were to come and tell me -let's go, I think I will have NO hesitation what so ever. It is when she comes up with her rants, I have backed down like any other mom would. My lawyer says - get an agreement going first ..but I can't even talk back at him..how can I ask for agreement. I feel I am in vicious cycle. Maybe the root of it is I need to get mentally strong first, write down my fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 11:47am

You're on the right track winter!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 12:21pm

another idea would for you to start listing your values...a lot of our self esteem goes away because we loose track of our worth..maybe if you started listing your talents, personal assets, strengths, interests, etc. you will start to find you are worth so much more than what you are being given.

I can get you stared and I am sure many here would be able to help add to the list too.

You are a caring individual

you are a good mom

you are an intelligent woman

many more but I need to allow for you and others to come up with ideas too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 3:26pm

Me again, one step at a time FORWARD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 5:58pm
Your 3rd point is so important. Find something that you feel you are really good at and do it as much as you can. You will find strength in that alone and it will build you back up. You are so much better than what he is putting you through. Remember that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 11:50pm

YOu can't put your life back toghether because you're not willing to leave the old life.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 12:51am

Did you actually say it would be easier if he was violent with you?

Minimizing abuse is a big part why women don't leave. I am not trying to get him to be violent, he will be mostly verbal when he sees me spending time on my own..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:13pm

Hi Winter,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:18pm

Well said.

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 7:24pm

Hi Sherry, Thanks for checking in. I have somehow become "paralyzed" to do anything..I am losing it..I think. At present I am distracted with some other issues so focussing on that. I am at a point where I am "tired of it all"..too tired to do anything, too tired to be status quo..I hope I get my strength back..