How does abuse start? Please fill me in

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
How does abuse start? Please fill me in
10
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:06pm
I’ve been married now for 6 months. In a nutshell, we have a great relationship and we love each other dearly. He is usually very sweet and attentive to me. However, something that happened today is making me a bit scared.

Anyway, today as we were browsing an apt. store, I found some shoes that I loved on sale. We are on a pretty tight budget, so we don’t spend hardly any extra money unless it is a good deal. Anyway, my husband tells me that the deal is not good enough ($20) and usually we buy them cheaper ($10 - $15). I get upset, because he has gotten so cheap lately that I feel I have no control over anything. He buys my clothes, handles the finances, etc. Well, in the course of the conversation and as we were parting our separate ways, he pulls me back and grabs me by the arm and starts to pinch my elbow, telling me that I should stop acting so childish. Then he grabs my forearm and would not let go (by this time, people are definitely looking) and tells me that he has a “mind to slap” me. He has never really threatened or acted upon physical violence before. Now I am scared – is this just going to get worse? Should I do something? He has already apologized for losing his temper, but I don't know if there is a next step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:33pm

Oh boy -


Hi Texwalk, and welcome;


If you're asking if it's abuse, it's a good guess it is.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:48pm
I would be interested in hearing from anyone about how their situation started. When people ask me about my marriage, I say it has always been like this, but that isn't exactly the case. Obviously he wasn't a jerk on the first date. However, when I look back, he inserted himself into my life very, very quickly. Moved in within weeks. Was calling himself "Dada" in front of my 1 yo DS. I was young and naive then. What can I say? I guess that was probably the biggest warning sign there.

Anyway, I find that hearing others' stories helps me put my situation into perspective. Perhaps that would help you as well.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:51am
I was actually looking for someone strong to be in control. I had lost it. So I guess I confused strength with abuse and here I am.

If I was in your position I would not let that situation go with out saying something, Tex. I kept quiet until it was too late to do anything about it. He has to know that you are not going to accept abuse. I wish I could take my own advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:14am

I can't pinpoint the start,

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:33pm
Tex, at least for me, it was fantastic when our relationship started and if someone (say his ex-wife) had told me what he was like, I doubt I would have believed her. However, I've been rereading my journal and knowing what I know now, there were some warning signs.

Like one of the other women who posted, he inserted himself into my life extremely quickly-it was very fast and very serious almost immediately. I wrote about it comparing it to joining a cult, a force of nature--I had a little objectivity for a while. He was SO attentive and SO complimentary and SO devoted, quite overwhelming. Also, I had just come back from working overseas for several years, and I was experiencing some serious reverse culture shock, as well as being at a career crossroads. This could have made me more vulnerable to all the romance.

He also said things like, 'you know I can't let you go, right?' Wherever you go, I'll follow'. I took that to be lovers' rhetoric, but now I wonder if it shouldn't have been a tip off. It took three years for it to get really bad, but there were beginnings quite early on--I noticed that it was awfully early for me to be feeling so bad when he put me down, and that he played games to make me jealous. But so much of the rest was so good that I just wrote it off. And then if got worse and worse and, six years, marriage and child and move to a new place later, he laid hands on me. After hearing him explain that the comment "a lot of other men would have slapped you around long before now" wasn't intimidating--no, no, it showed how patient he'd been with me when I'd crossed the line. I realized that I don't understand his thinking about partnership and I don't want to. Also realized that my son is NOT going to grow up seeing that and thinking it's normal.

You're just into your marriage--it's quite early for him to have laid hands on you, and in public no less. That can't be good. Take care of yourself.

CCINNC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:54pm
For me, it started with name calling. We would get into an argument and call me stupid or something else completely degrading. He would then say that he loves me more than anything and didn't mean it. The name calling eventually escalated into pushing. He pushed me only twice before he realized he could probably get away with hitting me. One night he ended up punching me in the head. He still claims that it never happened, that he was really drunk and just pushed me. I would say that my only saving grace was my friends. They never gave up on me regardless of how much I, unconsciously, pushed them away. They sat back and watched as he began to tear me down emotionally, financially and phyiscally. After almost a year, I decided that I love myself more than that...and got out. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Create a solid network of friends and family because, regardless of what happens, you'll need them. Good luck, my prayers and with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 10:41am
my abuse started a few months after we started dating. little things at first like what you said....pinching. telling me what he did and didnt want me to wear. you know-something that i forgot, he bought my cloths for me. said he didnt like the ones i had. he once accused me of wanting to be with someone at work and went to hit me but didnt. thought that was a good sign that he wanted to change. but that was a lie to myself. he later threw me down a hill. he has punched me over and over again in a car. threatened to beat the hell out of me. almost killed me with his bare hands. i always fight back. he knows that when it starts i will start back. but i guess i stayed with him because he was my escape route. my mom was on drugs and he took me places. thinking back i remember telling one of my firends that i really didnt like him but that he was all that i had to get away from the other stuff. when i moved in with him it just got worse. broken windows, cuts, holes in the walls. he used to throw swords at me. seems now that i always had some type of bruise on me during those months. he gets ok then out of nowhere the **** hits the fan. please think about it and dont stay. it WILL get worse.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:31am
I haven't had the physical abuse of the previous posts, but I worry lately that it might escalate to that. When I look back on our relationship, this control factor has always been there. It is amazing how he kept it subtle. I never made a decision but was made to feel like I did. It was more him making whatever it was he wanted to do, a daily topic in which he just repeated the same mantra over and over again until I finally agreed. The one topic that caused several fights was the fact he wanted a boat. We had very small children at the time and no money. One fight in particular he yelled at me that he wanted a boat and I was going to go to work so he could have it. I told him he was selfish and he replied "yes I am selfish, so what?" A light went on in my head at that moment and I realized that for the previous 10 years I had been snowed into believing he had changed but he hadn't. I had ended our engagment once for a year and even dated someone else, but he was never too far away and always in contact with me. Now I feel like when I ended the engagement, although I didn't exactly know why, it was my 40 year old mind yelling at my 20 year old mind to run and not walk away.

The control and emotional abuse didn't strike me until recently. I actually remember thinking that things he said to me were emotionally abusive (although never called me a name, just said what I thought was stupid), but never really thought he was doing anything on purpose. That was until one night recently he told me point blank that you get power from sex and money, and I would NOT make more money then him, and he would NOT give me the power!

Twice recently he has kicked something when he has gotten frustrated that I might be moving on financially from him (or so he thinks). That has me concerned. He has never gotten physical in anyway, and to me kicking something is a way of lashing out physically. Can kicking me be far behind?

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:05pm
dd, i think kicking you may just be the next step. when we were in the shelter, right after we got married, he was still seeing his ex. even went to atlanta with her while i was sitting all day in the shelter with my 1yr old son. when i confronted him about it, he stepped so hard on my foot that i couldnt walk on it for weeks without it hurting. i was stting at the time and he did it several times. (he had on work boots) he couldnt flat out hit me b/c there were cameras on the entire floor but he managed to stomp and kick without any problems. there and again, i fought back. even a few days ago when he was still here, he kicked me. (i had forgot about that) he was mad at something i had said and just kicked me. God it hurt but i just stood there at the stove and continued cooking like i was ok.....why in the world do i hurt so bad after getting the OP and he has done all these things to me?...anyway,

if he is kicking things near you, you can bet the next thing will be you. i have come to realize that my H always made the decisions. yeah, he would ask me what i wanted but if i told him he would go against me and i would say ok, then what do you want. i had gotten to the point where i wouldnt even think about where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do because it was always knocked down.

be careful. stop and think about things now why you have the mind to. it has taken a lot to get away from my H and i saw all the signs before i got to this point. see the signs and take them for what they are. dont go into denial, PLEASE. it will only get you in deaper and that is not where you want to be.

BIG HUGS,

shay
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:25am
shay

The thing I am struggling with is that these things don't happen on a daily basis. It seems though that whenever some conversation comes up about my work or a money issue. Like this weekend my 10 year old mentioned that he wants to go to this pricey private school. Now I have mentioned sending him in the past but we don't have the money so of course I would have to make a good commission check for him to go. We have a whole nother year before I have to worry about that. My H got mad at me and decided he was going to ignore me all weekend. He keeps sex from me at these times as well (of course if he is going to act cold he isn't putting out either). I knew he was mad about it so I just gave him the same treatment. He finally said something on Sat night to the effect of "I guess you don't want to talk about this". He also regurgitates the same statements every time. He is intimadated by the fact that I have a job where I can make double what he does and he feels he will lose control of me. We always had goals when we were first married, now that I have a chance to acheive new goals I want to work hard and do it. Even though I am motivated to do so, his attitude keeps me down...or I let it keep me down. Even though he was mad he didn't get physical, he did the typical emotional abuse by giving me the cold treatment and playing mind games to get me to run after him.

He has kicked twice in 20 years of M, and it wasn't directed at me. It is true though that it has happened now twice within a couple months. This is of course the first time in 20 years that I have "threatened" his manhood!

I am still confused when it comes to whether I am emotionally abused to the extent that we can't fix it. Like you I have had the same experience with decisions. I have moved across state lines four times since we have been married. Everyone of those decisions were based on making HIM happy.

I may be not totally sure I am in an abusive situation, but I know I am done trying to make him happy.

dd