How does abuse start? Please fill me in
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| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:06pm |
Anyway, today as we were browsing an apt. store, I found some shoes that I loved on sale. We are on a pretty tight budget, so we don’t spend hardly any extra money unless it is a good deal. Anyway, my husband tells me that the deal is not good enough ($20) and usually we buy them cheaper ($10 - $15). I get upset, because he has gotten so cheap lately that I feel I have no control over anything. He buys my clothes, handles the finances, etc. Well, in the course of the conversation and as we were parting our separate ways, he pulls me back and grabs me by the arm and starts to pinch my elbow, telling me that I should stop acting so childish. Then he grabs my forearm and would not let go (by this time, people are definitely looking) and tells me that he has a “mind to slap” me. He has never really threatened or acted upon physical violence before. Now I am scared – is this just going to get worse? Should I do something? He has already apologized for losing his temper, but I don't know if there is a next step.

Oh boy -
Hi Texwalk, and welcome;
If you're asking if it's abuse, it's a good guess it is.
CL-Blueliner4
Anyway, I find that hearing others' stories helps me put my situation into perspective. Perhaps that would help you as well.
MG
If I was in your position I would not let that situation go with out saying something, Tex. I kept quiet until it was too late to do anything about it. He has to know that you are not going to accept abuse. I wish I could take my own advice.
I can't pinpoint the start,
CL-Blueliner4
Like one of the other women who posted, he inserted himself into my life extremely quickly-it was very fast and very serious almost immediately. I wrote about it comparing it to joining a cult, a force of nature--I had a little objectivity for a while. He was SO attentive and SO complimentary and SO devoted, quite overwhelming. Also, I had just come back from working overseas for several years, and I was experiencing some serious reverse culture shock, as well as being at a career crossroads. This could have made me more vulnerable to all the romance.
He also said things like, 'you know I can't let you go, right?' Wherever you go, I'll follow'. I took that to be lovers' rhetoric, but now I wonder if it shouldn't have been a tip off. It took three years for it to get really bad, but there were beginnings quite early on--I noticed that it was awfully early for me to be feeling so bad when he put me down, and that he played games to make me jealous. But so much of the rest was so good that I just wrote it off. And then if got worse and worse and, six years, marriage and child and move to a new place later, he laid hands on me. After hearing him explain that the comment "a lot of other men would have slapped you around long before now" wasn't intimidating--no, no, it showed how patient he'd been with me when I'd crossed the line. I realized that I don't understand his thinking about partnership and I don't want to. Also realized that my son is NOT going to grow up seeing that and thinking it's normal.
You're just into your marriage--it's quite early for him to have laid hands on you, and in public no less. That can't be good. Take care of yourself.
CCINNC
The control and emotional abuse didn't strike me until recently. I actually remember thinking that things he said to me were emotionally abusive (although never called me a name, just said what I thought was stupid), but never really thought he was doing anything on purpose. That was until one night recently he told me point blank that you get power from sex and money, and I would NOT make more money then him, and he would NOT give me the power!
Twice recently he has kicked something when he has gotten frustrated that I might be moving on financially from him (or so he thinks). That has me concerned. He has never gotten physical in anyway, and to me kicking something is a way of lashing out physically. Can kicking me be far behind?
dd
if he is kicking things near you, you can bet the next thing will be you. i have come to realize that my H always made the decisions. yeah, he would ask me what i wanted but if i told him he would go against me and i would say ok, then what do you want. i had gotten to the point where i wouldnt even think about where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do because it was always knocked down.
be careful. stop and think about things now why you have the mind to. it has taken a lot to get away from my H and i saw all the signs before i got to this point. see the signs and take them for what they are. dont go into denial, PLEASE. it will only get you in deaper and that is not where you want to be.
BIG HUGS,
shay
The thing I am struggling with is that these things don't happen on a daily basis. It seems though that whenever some conversation comes up about my work or a money issue. Like this weekend my 10 year old mentioned that he wants to go to this pricey private school. Now I have mentioned sending him in the past but we don't have the money so of course I would have to make a good commission check for him to go. We have a whole nother year before I have to worry about that. My H got mad at me and decided he was going to ignore me all weekend. He keeps sex from me at these times as well (of course if he is going to act cold he isn't putting out either). I knew he was mad about it so I just gave him the same treatment. He finally said something on Sat night to the effect of "I guess you don't want to talk about this". He also regurgitates the same statements every time. He is intimadated by the fact that I have a job where I can make double what he does and he feels he will lose control of me. We always had goals when we were first married, now that I have a chance to acheive new goals I want to work hard and do it. Even though I am motivated to do so, his attitude keeps me down...or I let it keep me down. Even though he was mad he didn't get physical, he did the typical emotional abuse by giving me the cold treatment and playing mind games to get me to run after him.
He has kicked twice in 20 years of M, and it wasn't directed at me. It is true though that it has happened now twice within a couple months. This is of course the first time in 20 years that I have "threatened" his manhood!
I am still confused when it comes to whether I am emotionally abused to the extent that we can't fix it. Like you I have had the same experience with decisions. I have moved across state lines four times since we have been married. Everyone of those decisions were based on making HIM happy.
I may be not totally sure I am in an abusive situation, but I know I am done trying to make him happy.
dd