How Is Everybody Doing?

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
How Is Everybody Doing?
47
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 8:28pm

...

Just wondering how things are going for ALL of us...

My ds and I are doing pretty good.

Lots of Changes but able to breathe easier...

Money is tight but we are definitely in a Safe Place and that's Priceless!

<3

Nightangel

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 12:39am

L~, so glad to hear that you're both doing well.  Sometimes a geographical remedy really can be the best thing.  I'm just now returning to planet earth and regaining blood pressure that is compatible with life.  I'll just say that we had dog drama today.  All is well now, but earlier this wasn't the case, and it's being handled.  WO has rehearsal tomorrow for a tour guide gig that she's got.  She also went to call-backs for her school's Christmas play, so we're waiting to see on that as well ;-P I spent the majority of today cleaning the shop, sorting through stuff that's been stored forever, hauling kids around, bailing out dogs, just one of those days where I feel like a salmon swimming upstream.  The only thing is - I don't even get to spawn before I die!  Yeah, it's been one of those days, but even so, it's better than the best day I ever had with the abuser in my life.  Y'all have a good night.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 1:00pm

So how weird is this?? My exH called me.. the other day.. A little background first. He went to live with his gfriend finally after years of her knowing he is a nut .. I think because she was homeless and needed his money and all.. So anyway they are both down South in a completely new state..

So I guess he was bored and was having a weak moment because yes even abusers have those and

So he calls me to tell me its not going that well.. Really??????????? No;; cant be................... He says because its a period of adjustment ... No; its not because he is a nut and sociopathic and a control freak is it?????????????? too bad.. I think they are both  nuts..

What I never understood till a few days ago was that I believe I still need that validation.. The validation that I did the right thing 7 years ago and left him and our marital home and that was the beginning of the end.. I keep getting the validation and he keeps reinforcing it and knowing he is still crazy makes me feel better and that I didnt make a mistake.. why do I keep needing that?

oh; well I wished him well and hung up after some stupid idle chit chat..

 

 

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:27pm

After all this time he still contacts you?  What a lost cause.  I do have one question though, coupled with an IMHO ;-}.  You know me, if I have one, it's out there.  Have you ever considered changing your phone numbers so that neither one of them can call you anymore?  Just think how nice it would be to never answer your phone again and hear one of those voices unexpectedly every again.  To me, THAT would be the final good-bye, so long, farewell, amen, ultimate no contact.  And a fine way to obtain some serious closure.  But that's just me.  Knowing that he no longer has the option to "reach out and touch" would have me skipping down the sidewalk.  (Of course, I do have that as the abuser in my life is deceased.)  But that's MHO coupled with the question.  Hope you're having a glorious Saturday.  I'm finally stopping and taking a break after being on the go, go, go ALL day long.  I might even (GASP) ...nap. My best to you and yours.

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:47pm

~hugs~

Maybe, it's just the Validation...kwim?

That he's possibly miserable...Yeah!!! Wahoo!!!

You are human.

For me it got to point where No Contact was for the Best.

I do not want to talk to him!

Freedom means never having to...It's my choice!

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:49pm

Cajon; I k now what you are saying and yes that is a very good question . who are they though??  He just calls not the gfriend..(lol)

If I were to sit here and analyze why I still talk to him I couldnt tell you. I could guess but I have really no clue at all..unless I cannot get rid of my codependency that quickly and yes I work on it all the time and yes its been years since we are divorced..

Well? I have to be honest I am changing my phone to something else . I need to because the service I have now stinks so he would have no way to contact me.. and then that would be the end of it...

I hope you can get some rest. Hey; what happened with the hurricane. I saw things on news and then there was not hing said again..

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:50pm

Moving means less worries....You are so right about a bad day now is nothing compared to being with them, except the LOSS of my friiend...;(...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 10:23am

My ex is on a kick about making it all about our child. "I" shouldn't hold his past against him. "I'm" a terrible mother because I'm not considering our child and how she feels. And, of course, he has a band of puppets that just bob their heads and agree w/ him or tell him what he wants to hear. He thinks after abandoning her, he should just get what he wants now. But I pay the price and I'm unwilling. For instance, he sees us at the park. Is the focus entirely on our child? No. Does he touch or keep haggling to come to my house? Yes. Does he call me terrible names if he doesnt get his way? yes. I'm seriously wondering if relocation is my way out. My financial life is in ruins, may lose my home anyhow and if that does happen, I think I'll leave my state. I just need sole custody first I think.

At least he's not in a frenzy like he was...god he was terrible w/ the calls, texts, etc....but not enough for a real charge. My pfa expired and I haven't gone back for a new one. i came close to calling the police when he was in a frenzy, but it's just not worth it. I've been doing this for almost 9 years and he just gets a smack when he breaks the rules. I may change my mind, because I will not give an inch when it comes to our child. Ever. So if he goes into frenzy mode again, I'll make a report and wait 6 hours for the police and then another 3 to get the warrant signed, he gets picked up and comes right back out, angrier...and then pfa, where he comes up w/ something to get granted a continuance...when at the end of the day I know he will come hard if I have a new life. "If I can't have you no one will" I avoid company (female) because I don't want a car out front, as I have no doubt he will attempt to smash through my door.

Other than all that...I'm thankful my children (have 2 much older, from previous relationship), family and friends are well. I'm thankful for this forum. I know I'm in a funk...it's a brisk morning and I think we'll go for a walk..it just sucks, as i always worry he'll end up wherever we are. But we'll keep on truckin', w/ a fully charged phone.

Stay safe,

A

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:32am

~hugs~

A, my heart goes out to you!

I carry my cell to...

At least since moving I don't worry as much running into him or rather him running into me...

So far he hasn't shown up, he doesn't know we moved or where to...

He might have access to our land-line but we have caller id.

My ds has "Anxiety" so he was really stressed out whenever my ex was in the "Frenzy" zone...What they want is a reaction...ANY reaction.

Now he gets none!

Document it, like I told mine once when he tried to sit down at my table or even stand there or at a table close by I told him I would call the police, he left but he was mad..."Furious"!!! but I didn't care, just so tired of the bs his bs...

It really sucks!

You feel really ALONE...now my family get it, others get it, he uses people.

I would love people to understand that when you give out personal information you could be putting someone's Life at risk!

I had no problem maintaining No Contact...he did though!

I know how that feels the constant worry, that little seed in the back of your mind.

Since moving things are much better but you still are cautious.

Please don't let him intimidate you, I know I was afraid not only for myself but others.

You have a right to a Life, doing whatever you want and includes having company...

Like you my ex was obsessed.

He wanted complete control, ain't happening.

I love my Life.

I do what I want and am not second-guessing.

It gets to a point where either you feel guilty or afraid of the consquences...their Drama!

It's ridiculous!!!

They don't know the meaning of the word boundaries, they have no respect.

Although I know I loved him, he never loved me.

Now I love me more...:smileywink:...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 2:00pm

My middle dd stopped by this afternoon.  She and her BF are on the verge of breaking up (again)

As I don't have any counseling yet (hopefully this week) - it's hard for me to counsel her.  I just listen a lot.  I am projecting stuff from my past onto her situation.

They went to couples counseling b/c if she didn't get help for her problems, he was going to leave her.

He gets so angry that he puts holes in walls, has broken their bed, kicks and punches *her* car (not his truck) all because she makes him so angry.   It's her fault he get so angry...

He packs his bag and leaves.  Her bad : she calls him over and over.  He picks up, laughing and hangs up on her.

Add in the continually refering to her as crazy and at times having thrown MY bad behavior as her example.....

I was witness to one of his temper tantrums this past week and it took everything I had to not say anything.  These all feel like red flags to me.  I know her temper too.  It can be not pretty.  The only thing I really felt comfortable saying to her was to NOT take it all on her own shoulders.  She is imperfect, yes.  But he can NOT dump everything in her lap.

I don't know of any physical action against her or the baby - and I was a bit hesitant to ask.

It has me a bit off kilter, not only because I am worried about her but  - I don't know how to explain it.   I guess it sorta made me feel like I did when I was in a bad situation.  Things have been running through my head for a couple of hours now.  I am safe but my head doesn't seem to want to accept it.   I keep comparing what she told me to what I lived - abusive or just a really bad r/s?  

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 4:08pm

~hugs~

Unfortunately I think it's "Abusive"...;(...We are Mothers/Moms so we do worry.

In my gut I have had these same concerns with dd.

Sometimes, I think they also try to protect us or the b/f.

No matter we both know what he has done is wrong, it doesn't have to be "Physical".

The Intimidation is there.

I remember, one time my dd came and her and my sil came.

He got mad, left but came back.

I so did not want her to go with him then.

They are not together.

Eventually she figured it out and I made sure she knew no matter what I would be there for her ALWAYS!

Once he threw me out of their apt.

I left.

She was very upset and let him know it.

I was her Mom and it was her home to!

I respected him by leaving but I told her I loved her and if she needed me to call or come over anytime.

The controlling and isolating is subtle at first, we recognize it because we have btdt...;(...

This is not a couples issue, he has definite "Anger" issues.

This stress is not good for her or the baby.

My heart goes out to you and your dd.

<3

~hugs~

Nightangel

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