How Has The Law Helped/Not Helped You?
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How Has The Law Helped/Not Helped You?
| Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:40pm |
Wondering how those of you who have dealt with the law, ie: policeofficers, social workers, lawyers, feel about your experience?

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If you are in NYS and are going to go to family court for custody of your children, be very careful. There's this wonderful thing called parental alienation syndrome (aka PAS). It can cost you your children.
When speaking to forensics psychologist be careful what you say. They will take your claims of physical/verbal abuse and turn it around on you...making it seem as if you are trying to create separation between the children and father out of anger or spite..or whatever!
I lost my son in family court because I told of the abuse I went through in my relationship with my son's father.
I cannot tell you how many people have lost thier children due to this PAS. I watched a video on PBS about this. It's heartbreaking. There are cases out there where the father has sexually violated the children and the court used PAS to make sure the children stayed with the abuser. It's disgusting.
Be very careful, don't trust anyone..not even your attorney. I could write a book about how I lost my son. Do your own research on family court laws in your state...one mistake can put your child in an unsafe situation and scar them mentally for life and all you can do is sit back and watch. Dept. of Child Protective Services is absolutely useless. Don't count on them for help by any means. They can be looking at pictures of the abuse your child has gone through, listen to them tell of what happened and they NEVER believe it. The child will not be removed from the abuser...before they do anything it's going to be too late!
My STBX is going for custody, of our children I've been a SAHM of for 4 & 6 years. Is this PAS automatically a part of custody battles in NYS? I've declared all along that I want joint custody, physical residence. I'm preparing myself for a psych eval, just cause I've heard stories about abused women not being as capable of doing as well as the abusers due to the damage that the abuse has caused them. Luckily I have been seeing my counselors and Dr regularly and they take good records, I think.
What is the situation w/ your son right now? Do you have visitation? Thanks for the advice!
Carrie
Sorry this will be long but I really had to chime in on this one.
We live in an impefect world with an imperfect legal system. Sometimes the checks and balances that are put in place hurt the innocent. I think that one of the biggest problems of the system so much inconsistency. It is very confusing.
I have called the police on a number of occasions since 1993. I had so many different experiences. The first time I called (1993) was because my bf got mad at me for going out with my friend without him so he hid my car. This was not a DV situation but I felt it was still wrong and of course was a preview of what life would be like later. The officer made it out to be my fault well because bf had keys to my car. The second time I call (1999) was because same bf (broke up at the time)tampered with utilities at my house and did some minor damage to property. When I confronted bf he stated he was hoping the house would blow up with me in it. I could not understand why the police would not arrest him for vandalism; they wanted me to get a personal protection order against bf so I did but I was still in denial about the abuse so that really wasn't helpful. I was never offered any other DV assistance(hotline#,counseling info). There was a third incident that did not even include me. I was planning to leave(now husband) in 2002 after a DV incident. I had asked my parents to pick up my son early from daycare but for some reason H went to pick him up too. There was a scuffle between my parents/grandma and H and while the police agreed H was out of control they still gave my son to him. Couldn't they have contacted me about what was going on? Then a few days later I called police to my house because H was holding son hostage in bedroom. Because H had not threated to kill son and son was not without food or diaper change for 24 hours H had the right to lock himself and son in bedroom. Then in 2004 when I decided to divorce H. My counselor and lawyer stated to call police any time H bevhavior became threating. I did and I got more of the same. One office actually said unless he was on top of you beating you there is not much we can do - no brusies, no cuts, no blood, no broken bones - there is nothing we can do. At first that threw me for a loop but I still called the police when there was another incident of threating behavior and then when H assaulted me.
What I do not understand is why these abuser can get out of jail in less that 24 hours and then the police never notify the victim. That just blows my mind. H ended up spending more time in jail for violation of PPO then for the actual assault. At first the Judge (criminal court) was easy on him, gave him a chance to mend his ways but after that he was a hard a**. I was in court when he chewed him up and spit him out. That was almost the other extreme and made the situation even more emotional. The probate Judge was pretty good but he didn't really address the continued violation of the PPO as expected.
My lawyer was great even though I spent a fortune. I believe my X's lawyer was even on my side. He agreed with everything my lawyer proposed. What probably made the case even more interesting was that X's lawyer went in front of the Judge and asked to be released from representing X's because he was personally afraid of him. WOW!
In the long run I consider myself lucky so far and in somes ways I feel guilty. X has supervised visit with our son and that will continue until he completes DV classes which does not look like anytime soon. Then the visits would be limited. I know so many women who did not get this type of arangement and yet their situations were so much worse than mine.
When you go for forensics...just don't go in there and instantly put him down and how bad the relationship was. Make sure you say the right things as far as the relationship with your child and the father go. Things you might want to say are you want them to have a great relationship..you have no inetention of interfering with that. you think it's very important to not let what went on between you and your x to come in between them..you refuse to make your child pick sides and put him.her in the middle of anything that goes on between you and your x..you will do whatever you can to make sure they have a loving & bonding relationship. They will ask you what you think the visitation should be. Don't sound angry about your abusive situation, it will make you look unstable/unfit, however they will ask how you feel about it and what happened..think before you speak! can be tricky..what you think is ok they may not.
My son is 8 now and is still with his dad..I've spent close 100,000 in lawyer fees and have no choice but to give up. I do have visitation..every other weekend fri-sun, alternating years for holidays and school vacations. I miss my little boy sooo much. I always took 100% care of him..bathing, feeding and such. We did everything together for 41/2 years. I think my x watched him 2x the entire time we were together.
When he comes we try to make the best of a bad situation, it's heartbreaking because he wants to come home. He is so unhappy, but I try to keep him in a positive state. I tell him someday you will be able to come home, but for now we have to enjoy the time we have together. I don't put his dad down in front of him. It's so hard, especially when his dad knows he does not want to live with him and I see how unhappy he is...I feel so helpless and guilty. I wish I knew way back then in the beginning of court what I know now! Things would have definately turned out differently.
The forensic eval is soooo important, if you mess up there pretty much it's over at least that's how it was in my situation.
Stress prevention classes are a plus in court. They cost money though. $80 for me.
I hope this helps. Good Luck!
Edited 1/24/2007 8:36 am ET by chelsea_3
I'm really sorry you don't have more time w/ your son! I've already had to take the kids to a law guardian, 2 youngest wouldn't talk. He said if he needed to talk w/ them he would schedule something at home where they might be more comfortable. Thanks for the advice, and I wouldn't even say anything bad about STBX, only cause he's treated me like crud, but always spent his evenings w/ the kids. I don't put it past him to use the kids we have together, but have seen my oldest 4 w/ out their Dad. he'll get his chance to be a Dad after us, but if he uses them, he'll pay for it.
I've agreed to the visits, he's violated our stay away order, but my lawyer says that's good. It will get worse, his violations. Last week was a post it, this week was a whole page. The kids came home asking me why I wasn't wearing my wedding rings, wanted to know where they were, so I showed them. I told them I did't wear them cause Mama and Papa weren't going to keep being married.
I can't imagine what you've been through! Good for you for making the best of the time you and DS have together. How long has your custody order been in effect? C an you go for a modification? Maybe request one or two days during the week? Are you both in the same school district? I'm really sorry, it must be awful hard. I've been a SAHM, and H wants custody, but to leave them w/ me during the days while he works!
What the heck is wrong w/ them?
Thanks again!
Carrie
Thanks :-). I ended court in 2002. I've been through the modification of the order. There was a time when my visitation was ridiculous. I can't remember exactly at this time, really I don't want to remember either lol. We live almost an hour away.
It was really an odd court case. My lawyer at that time came out of the courtroom crying at one point saying she thought my case was tainted. It's ironic that the psych evaluator's boss is my Xs family doctor since he and his siblings were babies and has a pretty tight relaationship with his father. The judge in my case was leading my Xs testimony along with all of his witnesses. When the judge saw a police report that I had filed against him once along with the officer's testimony...the judge looks and says "what was the point of that?"
I'll tell you the judge is Gilbert Abramson in Saratoga County, NY. He is corrupt IMHO, along with attorney Daryl Cutler and Karen Gazda (out of Clifton Park).
It's much more in depth than what I explained, my point here was to inform you of PAS. Do some research on it and be careful. Seriously this is a major issue in family courts today. The best part about it is that the guy that came up with this so called "syndrome" commited suicide...
Richard Gardner suffered from reflex sympathetic dystrophy and he took his own life in 2003 by taking an overdose of prescription drugs and stabbing himself to death.
Here is a few links
http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome
The judge may like that idea about you having them during the day and such...but then you can say what about when they are in school (if they aren't as of yet)...your time will be less. Say the kids are going through a lot of change already with the divorce and such...so you would like to set visitation up so they will have a more consistent, stable life/environment. One that is not constantly changing.
BUT, when ex broke in and smothered me(to keep me from screaming so the cops outside could hear), they broke down my door and saved my life. Those 2 cops and the female SVU investigator I was assigned to were awesome. They were supportive of my obviously fragile emotional state that day(got me a glass of water, got me a washcloth to clean the blood off my face) and were respectful. My SVU investigator is awesome. I don't know how I would be getting through this if not for her. She is always available to answer any questions about the case, she went to the meeting with the Commonwealth's Atty. and walked me to the car and we talked for over 20 minutes. The Comm.Atty seems very capable. He is insistent that ex is a "menace to society" and wants to make sure he pays. He can be a little condescending, but he is a lawyer. LOL. As long as he does his job well he doesn't have to be my best friend. I also have a victim/witness advocate who is awesome. She also researches and answers all my questions and provides wonderful emotional support when I have to go into the court or deal with the lawyer.
I was so appreciative of the support I have received since this incident,I wrote all the officers a thank-you note and wrote a letter to the chief of police with their names. I got a return letter from the chief acknowledging the trauma that dv victims go through and how it affects their lives. It's been a positive light in a very negative experience of my life.
I go to court for the trial on all his felony counts against me in 3 weeks. I am scared but ready to do this and be done. There's something to be said for closure.
Stephanie
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