How long did you know/date your abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
How long did you know/date your abuser?
3
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:11am

How long did you know/date your abuser before he began showing his abusive tendencies? If you married your abuser, how long did you know/date him before he proposed and you married?

I ask because it seems to come along with the territory that abusers tend to work very quickly in securing a commitment and marriage. In the beginning, they seem to be the antithesis of the classic commitment-phobic man and often specialize in whirlwind courtships.

I knew my abusive XH as a friend for about a year before we began dating. We dated for only a little over eight months and then married (we were both in our early 30's; his second marriage, my first). He seemed nice enough, but only really began to manifest controlling behavior just a few days before the wedding. Unfortunately, I blamed it on the stress of the wedding instead of realizing and seeing it for what it was.

How about in your situation? Care to share?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:51am

Knew him for about a year before we started dating, though we had friends trying to set us up for about four months prior to him asking me out.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 3:43pm

I couldn't stand my h when I met him. I should have listened to myself, and I guess I felt he changed alot after I got to know him. He swept me off my feet and I hung on his every word. He could do no wrong and he was just perfect. I loved the fact that he was a take charge guy, and it was fun because he always had our dates planned out, little did I realize that was his controlling way. We met in June and we were ring shopping in November. We got engaged the following February. We decided that we would get married in a year or so. While we were looking for places to have a recption he got cold feet. This is when I should have told him to get lost. He told me he excuse why he did not want to get married yet was the fact I was too fat. Yes, you read that right----I was too fat! Mind you I was only a size 14, and I looked just fine by other peoples standards. I am a curvy girl. But no, not to him, I was too fat. I would give anything to be a size 14 again ---lol. Well it was 7.5 years later until he decided that I was worthy of marriage, and even then he wasn't marrying me because he wanted to. I was pregnant and I guess he thought we should get married. Nothing about the wedding was up to me. No church wedding, nothing fancy, again I felt so worthless because we eloped and I knew in my heart it was the wrong thing to do. On our wedding day, supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, he is on the phone to local attornys asking about pre nuptial agreements, etc. Mind you we were in another state. I still look back to that day and say to myself---you idiot---you should have just walked out and told him forget it!! Well we got married, and the rest is history. I'm just amazed at the crap I put up with and never opened my mouth to anything. Like I said before I felt I was totally worthless and he was just too good for me.

His controlling ways were pretty much right in the beginning. I just never noticed to much further down the line. It just got worse and worse, and still continues to get worse.




Edited 3/28/2005 4:46 pm ET ET by stayfearless
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 4:29pm

My heart goes out to you. Four questions that I think you should ask yourself on a daily basis are:

1. How much more of this (abuse) can I really put up with?

2. What is all this (abuse) really costing me in the long run (emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually)?

3. What more will I allow him to say or do to me before I will **finally** leave him for good?

4. If the abuse continues to worsen over time, how many more years am I willing to stay (3? 5? 10? 15? 20 or more?)?

Just know that you deserve to live in an abuse-free environment. Life is way too short to spend it being abused and feeling miserable, mistreated and unloved. The time you spend with him now is time that you'll never be able to regain. The longer you stay with him, the longer it will take you to heal and fully recover.

All the best to you,
Heymum