How long does it last??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
How long does it last??
8
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:31pm
I have been so confused lately. About 2 months ago me and H had a HUGE arguement. I almost left but he begged me to stay, and swore he would change this time. I told him the things I didnt like and we talked about how he didnt help with anything and the way he treated me. He said that he was sorry and that he would change. I had heard that before and like the other times decided to try again. The problem is that I had lost all emotions for him. I didnt care what he did, I just wanted out. I still feel that way, but so far things have actually been pretty good. In the past when we would have an arguement like that and he said he would change, things would get better but would only last maybe a month at the most before they went back to being bad again. But this time its been 2 months and even though there are still a few things that hes doing that I dont like and we have talked about them....over all its been pretty good. But in the back of my mind im still waiting for him to explode. How do you really know if they have changed? How long will someone go "being good" before things get bad again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 5:04pm

It's kind of hard to tell how long the niceness will stay.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 5:57pm

Wish is right, there's no telling how long he's going to be minding his Ps and Qs.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:24pm
My guess, hug, is that he'll wait exactly as long as it takes you to relax your guard a little. Then he'll start up again. I second the thought about changing his MO. Go with your gut. If you start to feel hurt, scared, or crazy, don't blame yourself. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 12:21pm
Thanks for everyone's responses. At times I think I'm the crazy one for thinking that he hasnt really changed. That somehow Im the one that needs to change in my thinking. He is still using the "im cheating on him joke". We talked about that numerous times and he says that other couples he knows jokes like that and why cant I. I cant because he has done it for years and both his Mom and his biological dad had numerous affairs. He is still saying things about the way I dress. I have this one tank top that he doesnt like. Not low cut or extremly tight or anything, but it has spegetti straps and he says its too revealing to wear outside the house. Two weekends ago I wore it to a thing we went to mostly just to see what he would say. All afternoon he wouldnt speak to me and when i asked him what was wrong he said he wished I hadnt wore the shirt. He will still call 3-4 times a day to make sure everything is ok and if anything is bothering me and to make sure Im not going to leave him. I have told him that bothers me but those things havent changed. The yelling, throwing things, not helping around the house or with the kids has gotten alot better. But at the same time if I tell him, for an example, that i will wash the dishes tonight, he will so no he will do it because he doesnt want me to use that against him in the furture that he didnt wash the dishes. things like that. I think the thing thats harder now is that I had made my decision to leave, and now he's been nicer, i find it harder to leave cause i dont have a good reason. Thanks again for listening and I'll keep you posted on what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:28pm

Girl, our door is always open and we will always give a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on and boxes of kleenex if need be.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:17am

Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine. I went through this same thing sooo many times. Here's the thing, you dont need to wait for a blow-up to leave. It doesn't have to be a dramatic thing. Really sit down and think with your head, not your heart. Logically think it all out, take some time if you need it. I did this several times, where he would be 'good' for a while, acting almost exactly like your guy, being good but still with the control issues and still making the jokes that hurt me, just not as bad. I thought, "Hey, it's not as bad as it was, I'm overreacting and should be thankful that he's trying to change." WRONG!!!! Keep in mind that if he really is going to change, he can do it without you there. There's no need for you to suffer while he betters himself, which you'll probably find out the truth soon enough, that there really is no desire to change, only a desire to keep his hooks in you long enough for you to relax a little. Don't let your guard down, it really sounds like he's not changing.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:14am
My heart goes out to you. I am in EXACTLY the same situation you are in. He has been so nice, understanding, and helpful lately. I know he is scared to death that I am going to divorce him and he says that he wants to do anything to make me love him again. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy because he seems so sweet now, and I think maybe I just wasn't handling things right myself before and that created some of his outbursts. We have had a lot of stress since we got married. He has been the man I wished I would have married. The problem is that like you, I had already given up, and I really don't "love" him anymore. I also feel like I can't just end the marriage when he is being so nice, I mean what if he really has changed. I wonder if I made it all up in my head and made everything be worse than what they actually were, that I was overreacting about his outbursts. I know he will probably have another outburst sooner or later, he has had them his whole life. He says that he will probably back-slide some, but that I should understand and try to work with him to help him. I don't know what to do anymore, I think I am more sad now than before and I know I am more stressed, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest all the time. He makes "joking" comments too about me finding someone else and about him not getting mad because he knows I will kick him out if he does. I feel like he forces me to kiss him longer and won't let me go sometimes when I am trying to do something. I'm not sure if this is a control issue or just my perception because I don't have the feelings I used to have for him. Hang in there, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I hope things work out so you will be able to finally have a happier, fulfilling life. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 11:33pm
I am in the same situation you are in. It's like your husband and mine are cloned! I recently posted a comment on his reactions to how I dress etc. I also know that I should leave but I am scared, embarrassed and dread the upheaval it would cause. I just started attending a domestic abuse support group and it's been a great source of support and help. I would suggest you look into that because that is at least something you can do that will help you short of leaving.