How many times did you go back?
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| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:46pm |
Hi, ladies. I've been lurking and reading and I'm glad to be able to read the stories that sound so much like what I'm going through.
I'm 23, been married for 2.5 years. Looking back, I realize my husband started the abusive and manipulative behavior very early on in our relationship, before we were married. Good news is I got away from him about 2 weeks ago. I am at my parents house now, 1400 miles away from him. I finally drew the line and started driving home when he got upset and started name calling, throwing things, and trashing the house. I quit my wonderful job and everything and decided just to Get Out.
Since then, over Xmas and everything, we have been talking and at one point decided that I would go back and we would start all over again, attend counseling, etc. The next day he was acting unrealistic and controlling again, saying that I needed to find a job that was the same working hours as his, pays well, and no weekends or holidays(impossible to find in my career) in order for him to be "happy"(we know this means In Control).
I'm considering going back to him only after he completes therapy with a therapist/PhD that has experience with domestic violence. He agrees to therapy, but insists that we share the blame for all the problems in our marriage and should do joint sessions. I try to tell him that no marriage counselor will fix the fact that he sees me as a subordinate, not an equal, but he denies it. He keeps saying that he has been treated badly by me.
My question to the survivors is--how many times did you go back and leave again before you were convinced that he would never change? I have been reading about the 1% statistic, but WHAT IF he goes through some intensive therapy?
-Anmlnrs

Hi hon, welcome -
There's two parts to my answer, so bear with me.
The 1% statistic you've seen is WITH the intensive batterer's intervention therapy.
CL-Blueliner4
I will consider the times that I considered leaving as well.
I actually left him only a few months into the relationship. I was feeling tremendously hurt and he was cruel from the very beginning. I took him back unfortunately, only a week or so later.
I remember being very hurt again not so long after that. Although it is a blur to me, I remember confiding in a friend, and later, calling the Peacecorp about a job. They wanted me, and I wanted away. He found the envelop they sent me and was very angry. I ended up dropping it and staying with him.
I remember almost leaving him shortly before the wedding. A girlfriend of another guy who had been out with him had reported unsolicited to me that he spent time at a party with a hired girl. I was never possessive and would not have been as disturbed had it been just dancing or even kissing. But I assure you it went far beyond that...it went to homebase. Unfortunately, I took him back.
I remember calling my mother at least twice in the following few years of marriage, telling her I think I need to get out, because I really thought he might kill me. I was terrified. I stuck around.
I finally left for good last year and don't regret it for even a moment.
That brings the tally to 5 times, finally leaving him the 5th time. If I think about it long enough, I am sure I would come up with a few more times, because I tended to kind of 'black out' about some things that happened in the past. I occassionally remember them since I left, in these strange moments of painful realisation.
Welcome, anmlnrs.
Hi:
I understand what you are going through and I can share my current experience, it may help.
I went back 3 times and finally left for good September 11 of this year. Since then he has tried to get back into my life many times. I told him I am in DV counseling for the emotional terror he put me through. He decided, as a ploy I think, to get his own counseling. After his first session he informed me the counselor told him I AM THE ABUSER. HE IS THE ABUSED!! And he went on with his usual dramatics and demanded I make up to him the abuse I put him through.......crazy crazy crazy Since then he has stolen my business website, has sent me horrible emails caling me scrooge at Christmas and it does not bug me anymore because I know what he is, and that he will never change.
Unfortunately the 1% statisic is true.
These guys seem to have a sense of entitlement that allows them to justify their behaviour. As well as they seem to somehow forget the pain they inflict and then want to be the victim. I do not understand that part. It is kind of like if I said I had cramps, he would say me too and mine are so much worse than yours.
Solution for me was leave, and not look back.