How many of your abusers hated their mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How many of your abusers hated their mom
9
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:56am

? My h has a HORRIBLE relationship w/ his mom. Granted, for good reason, to some extent. He was the last of 5 kids. She & his Dad were raging alcoholics. He was left alone a lot. Felt very abandoned as a little kid. Then she remarried when Mike was about 11, to a VERY abusive alcoholic. She was beaten very badly by him more than once & he gave Mikes dog away when he was 12 yrs old - or at least he thinks (hopes) he only gave him away ... he fears he killed him. (shoot that makes me so sad). No WONDER he is so messed up.

Anyway, Mikes mom never put any limits on him. She supported him thru his 20's while he partied away & never really worked ... then *I* took over - shoot me now, lol. He hated her all this time. & still does. He is rude to her, short w/ her & yells at her - basically, he treats her with NO respect what-so-ever, jsut as he does ME. Its is disgusting to witness, truly. She is now elderly & very good to us. She doesnt have much, but she is always there for me & my dd, she has little contact w/ him b/c she gets SO upset at how he treats me, & her. She wants to come stay w/ us for a week over Avereys bday (she is in FLA in the winter) but says she is "afraid she cant be around Mike for a week, it will upset her too much". I mean, how SAD is that??? My mother & i were SO close ... i cant fathom not loving your mother ... but then again, i have no reason not to love & respect my Mom. He has SO many issues that i bet stem from this anger towards her. & my mom ALWAYS said "never marry a man who doesnt love & respect his mother" ... & man, she was RIGHT! R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 2:41pm

Nerfy is the exact opposite, he is such a Mama's Boy.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:21pm

Hi !

Yes, my dh has an awful relationship with his mother as well. As of late, he doesn't want anything to do with her now or the rest of his family. Granted most of it is justified. The entire family is a bunch of narcissistic assholes (pardon my french!)! When our kids were small we used to see them on a regular basis. It was always touch and go between them, somehow they seemed to get along better in the early days of our marriage. His mother was a single parent raising 3 boys and trying to make ends meet. His father died when my dh was only 2. She had one on the way when he died. I always chalked up her bossy ways to being a single mom and felt sorry for her, etc. She herself was from a large messed up family. Her father had her mother institutionalized, thus breaking up the family. Her and 2 or her brothers were sent to a very strict Catholic orphanage. She learned how to be a perfect wife and mother there (so she says), cleaning, ironing, etc. In her earlier years before being carted off to the orphanage, her father was very abusive to her. One of her punishments was to put her little hands on the red hot stove. I have heard stories that her father was just awful. I also heard that his wife never needed to be instituionalized, that her problems were minor, he just didn't know what to do with her. Scary huh??! I have given up on my mil, I tried and tried to bend over backwards to be a nice daughter in law to her. I just can't deal with her verbal abuse----and have learned I DON'T HAVE TO!! I do feel sorry for her however. I just think it's best for me and my kids to not deal with her. I could go on and on about some of the crazy stunts.

I have been reading your posts rebecca! I can relate to alot of what you have said in your posts! You have a lovely dd btw!! I liked the pics, nice to be able to put a face with a post!! :)

Take Care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 9:45pm
oh yes, the lovley mother in law...At the beginning we got along great, and than she got real weird and hated me because i stood up to my husband all the time. She got abused by her husband too for 25 years, and she just got out of it, she never went to counselling or nothing, and she really needs to, she has alot of problems to work out, but thankfully for me I wont be around that family much longer, thank god!
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:49pm
Yes I believe it is true the way they treat their mom is much related to the way they treat us. I also say it says alot when they want us to take over that role. I'm a firm believer that family backgrounds have alot to do with who we are. Not just the background themselves but the lessons we learned from them. Such as you can come from an abusive home and vow to never be that way or you can come from an abusive home and see it just as the world should be. I've known people from lots of backgrounds that are abusers and people from abusive homes that are the nicest kindest people you would ever meet. But, if a man has no respect for his mom then you are doomed, because a lack of respect for her will typically mean a lack of respect for all women or they think all other women owe him something because his mom didn't do it. My ex used to use his family background as an excuse and I took that for 5 years before I realized I was not the one that owed him a thing and the only person to help him was him and no more pitty did I give him or anyone in his family except the small children his mom still has at home who don't realize there is a better way of life out there. My mom used to tell me that it was my job to show them but I've got my own kids and I pray for them often. I'd give her kids a job but I require more out of my staff than she does out of her kids so I'm not sure they would like to work for me. I believe the more you expect out of people the more they will do. When you lower you expectanties of a person the less they will require out of themselves. I believe my ex hated his mom and felt guilty about it but then again I still think something weird happened between them. Just a feeling but they have a strange relationship. She told him he was the man in her life when he was 10 and put her personal feelings on him and you should never put that on a child but I can say I have learned from that and when my son looks like he is worried about me I now know I must pull it together and let him know that adult problems are mine and not his and his job is to do well in school and pick up his clothes off the darn bathroom floor.lol. My dad always said that life is nothing more than a string of lessons and if you do not learn them you will repeat it till you learn it. Goodluck dear and whatever problems he has with his mom has no bearing on you who you are or what you do. They are his problems and you don't have to feel sorry for him or for her. That is their problem not yours. You can't fix it change it nor should you have to deal with it. HUGS and prayers to you dear.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 3:59pm
My ex-boyfriend HATES his mom )o: She has struggled with mental problems through out her life and is now on meds. I've seen her blow up a few times, and freak out for what appeared to be no reason. I have had no personal problems with her and she has always been very nice to my son. My ex said that when he was little she was much worse than she is now, and used to lock him outside every Saturday in the snow for 3 or 4 hours so she could clean the house. As a small child if he wasn't dressed on time she would lock him out in his underwear regardless of the temperature or the weather.... one of his brothers was taken away by CPS as a toddler and he never saw him again. )o: That is so sad. Physical and mental abuse by his mother was common.... not only did she abuse him and his brother, but she hit his father in the head with a frying pan. She would jabber on for hours telling my ex how stupid he is and he would never amount to anything.... his father is somewhat verbally abusive.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 9:51am
I think mom-hating is a pretty common factor. I've dated quite a few people and all were very good to their mothers except my ex. I sometimes look back at the first time I saw him yell at her and wonder what I was thinking. He blamed everything on his parents...especially his mother. And she is a truly wonderful woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:21am
I used to think my mil was a good person til last year in April, when my h and I had a confrontation in our living room, over our 3 year old that apparently got into some medicine (he blamed me for that of course) and while we're having this confrontation where he pushed me up against the dvd rack, his mom was standing right there and did NOTHING. She was living with us at that time, til I kicked her out because H didn't have the balls to do it. When she and I had a screaming match and I tried to tell her that I was hurt that she didn't take up for me on that day, her response was "well, you deserved it"......how awful is that. Now that she's out of my hair, I don't have to deal with her anymore. I know h resents me because he's a pure momma's boy and is spoiled rotten, gets mad when he doesn't have control over something, like when I left last weekend with my 2 girls, for a few days. I can't stand my mil because she didn't defend me in 95 either. What a b****. She used to tell me "I wouldn't put up with any man that abuses me" but then when I tell her that her baby boy is/was doing that, she gets defensive. Maybe she just doesn't want to accept that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:34pm

Odds are she's an abuser, too.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:06am
Your ex mil sounds like a selfish person. Mine used to go around the house and pout. A few years ago when I was pregnant w/my oldest, my grandmother came down to our house for thanksgiving. Well knowing that my grandmother was the one that introduced me and the h (she didnt know he was that type of person, an abuser) well she and my mil can't stand each other because my grandmother has told my H that she would come down here and hurt him bad if he ever touched me again...of course now that she's in Heaven, I wonder if she's truly haunting him. My mil is selfish and always acts like the world owes it to her. She can't let go of H and I'm glad I don't have to deal with her anymore. She's caused alot of problems for me and I have no regrets kicking her out since H didn't have the balls to do it. H swears up and down that his mom never got hit by his dad, I guess he's just trying to portray that they had such a "perfect" marriage. How does he know? Not everyone knows what goes on behind closed doors.