How Much? How Many Chances? - Long post
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 10:09pm |
Hello - Before I start, I'd like to say that this is my first post, even though I have been lurking for a while. I truly admire the support you give each other.. Well, here goes.
For the last 1 1/2 yr, there has been a major change in my attitude towards my 11 yr marriage and myself. We have 2 beautiful DS (3 & 10) both of whom have special needs. It seems from the beginning we have been fighting / disagreeing / miserable, but every time I would try to communicate in order to reach resolution, he would explain (& I would let him convince me)that all of our problems and his behaviors were the result of outside factors (my parents, our children, our circumstances, me etc.) It was easier to agree than to continue to fight or think of the hurt I would cause everyone by leaving him (yes I have thought of doing that from the 2nd year of marriage)and so I would take on the role of trying to correct or compensate for these circumstance. And then things would be quiet for a while (or maybe it was me just being quiet for a while) until I would raise these problems again, because they never seemed to have been resolved.
Without getting into specifics or detailed examples (since there are too many) I can say that his behaviors in general involved verbal abuse and control issues (I believe this today): calling me stupid / lazy when I did't finish my degree (I didn't finish because he expected me to bring an income, take care of our child(ren), take care of the house & bills and study - without his help)(this was my role as a women) - calling my parents evil/horrible parents & more because they didn't offer us more financial support than they had already given when they were stretched financially themselves (said that if they were good parents they would sell their house and jewelry if needed)- would call me cold sexually & otherwise/a bad wife - when I was not interested in his advances after he would burst into a verbal tantrum-calm down & offer a quick apology. Would say things like "you wanted children" or "it's your fault our children have special needs" whenever I asked him to help or take interest in the therapies/treatments/doctors/special schools etc that our kids need - / says I don't do anything all day since I have decided since my 2nd son's dx to stay home but started a home business so he wouldn't complain that I wasn't earning my keep/or pulling my weight - and the list goes on.....
Now, what he says does not always reflect what he does, but that is probably what kept me believing that he could change/grow up. He does do some more things around the house (take out trash/go to the supermarket/take our son to school)/he does pay a little more loving attention to the kids - sometimes / he is civil around my parents and outside the house -but does that excuse everything? I don't think it does.
Now, was it like this every moment of every day for the last 11 years? - No. but it emerged from the beginning of our marriage and even in "quiet times" it was always under the surface, because the apologies never seemed sincere or heartfelt, never resulted in TRUE change, but meant to kind of "get us by that moment or discussion"/shut me up. Sometimes, I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to avoid an outburst.
Do I think inside he is a bad person who does not love his children or me? No. But today I believe that I can't fix this problem and I'm tired of trying, because the problem starts with him.
Has he changed at all since the beginning? Yes, he has in some ways improved (more helpful in chores) but basically he is the same. Actually, the last month there were no outburst at all, but that was because I have stayed out of his line of fire.
Finally, I just want to say that 1 1/2 ago, something changed in me. Maybe it was a result of 2nd son's dx. Basically, all that I write is as a result of a lot of reflection on the past decade of my life and marriage.
I have twice in this time brought up the fact that I am tired of accepting his behavior, tired of trying to fix everything so that we can be happy, tired of the verbal abuse and want to address the problems head on. I basically said I wanted to work on our marriage, but not alone and that if we can't work it out between us, if it stays the same we should split to save our sanity and mental well-being.
Back then, we agreed we should try, but nothing has really changed, because even though these behaviors are fewer and further between - they are still there. And the only reason he prevents himself from these behaviors is by having completely cut any intimacy/and real dialogue between us). He is basically avoiding any situation that may spur these behaviors.
The second time I brought it up was last week. Because, not only do these behaviors exist once in a while, but I feel like we literally "just live in the same house". Again, he will agree in general with everything I have told you, although on specific instances of outbursts/tantrums he'll say - you're wrong/I never said that/Your exaggerating. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me because I don't want to live in a "dead" marriage (ie no friendship/intimacy/trust/respect). He said if it is a choice between counseling or divorce he chooses divorce because he is not the "type" to go to counseling - but then he gets sad and says he wants this marriage to work and I should do "this" or "that" to make it better or I have to understand he doesn't mean it or it's my fault because I haven't shown him affection or intimacy.
So you may ask, if I have come to these conclusions why am I still here? Because I still wonder if as a wife & mother to 2 special boys, wouldn't it be selfish of me to leave, just to satisy my own happiness, for once. Because I think that it is easier, given the circumstances to stay, then go through all the difficulties (financial, logistical) to leave. Because I was always old-fashioned & had religious beliefs that marriage is a vow before G-d. Because I don't want to shame my family. Because I'm afraid that since I haven't already done it - doing it at this age (36) w/ 2 special boys is a recipe for staying alone. Because I wonder, isn't it my responsibility on behalf of my children to give it one more chance? Did I try hard enough? Am I being impulsive?
Sorry for the long-winded post - I hope to hear any feedback (please don't hold back positive or negative thought) to help me make sure that I ultimately make the right, responsible and honorable decision.

You must be true to yourself ... 1st. Not to your kids, not to your family & what they will think, but to YOU.
Hi rite2beme,
I know that raising children on your own won't be easy, but I don't think you'd be doing it for selfish reasons. Children pick up on what's going on at home, even if they don't see or hear it directly. They see it in the way their parents act around each other. If this verbal abuse is going on right in front of them, then it's training them to be either abusive or victims of abuse later. At the very least, they'll feel scared, unhappy, and nervous. You'd be acting in their best interests to raise them in a loving healthy home.
As for what your family or anybody else thinks, they don't matter. You're the only person in your body living your life. Your feelings and thoughts and the safety and well-being of your children are what matter.
As for the fear of being alone, I've heard this so much here on the board, that I've got to speak up about it. I've been in long-term relationships with men since I was 15, and I've got to tell you that I'm sick of men at this point. I'm tired of their controlling, macho crap, and the times I've been single were the happiest of my life. When I was single I had lots more friends, all kinds of freedom, way more confidence in myself than I ever had at any other time, and I got real sleep at night. That means, no snoring bear beside me! When I was single, I didn't feel threatened on a daily basis, and I wasn't always having to deal with a man either wanting sex all the time, or not being able to get it up at all because he's so drugged or boozed up or had some weird sexual hangup.
The single life ain't that bad.
You deserve to be happy, and the happier you are, the happier your children will be.
God doesn't want to see his children abused. No place in the Bible says you have to stay no matter what regardless of whether you are abused. God wants all his children to live happy productive lives. I kept my vows. I was faithful, respectful and all the other things I promised to be, but hurt and or dead from my husband was not in those vows.
If you have dealt with this for so long I imagine your family knows and just doesn't know how to talk to you about it without driving you away. Most parents know the more they pull you away the more you will defend your husband. So they figure it's best to keep quiet so they can be there if and when you do leave.
I'm 33. I have a toddler and I live with my mom and grandmother. Know what other than being poor currently and having a big stack of bills to work on paying and aweful credit. I'm happy. There is more good in my life than bad. I have someone I date and he is respectful and loving. He even plays with my son and asks about him when we talk. There are good men out there I think and even some who may have a child of their own with special needs. You never know where life will lead you. That said he's not my "boyfriend" we just get together and date. I may be alone, but I am definitely not lonely. Yes, a year ago I thought I would have met someone and be in a solid relationship, but if it doesn't happen life goes on. I have the freedom to live my life as my own and that is worth everything.
That said I think you have really educated yourself and done a great job thinking thru things.
Good Luck and Keep us Posted.
Hi Rite,
After reading your post, I have to say I certainly admire your courage and determination to honor your vows and do all you can to make your marriage work. Even after all you've shared, I don't get the sense or feeling that you've given up. So I will share with you what my dad told me when I was in the middle of the mess that was my former abusive marriage:
"When you finally reach the point where you are *completely* fed up, you will know it and no amount of words or pleading from him or anyone else will be able to make you stay."
I didn't place too much stock in that gem of wisdom when it was initially given to me. However, I did remember it. I honestly didn't think the day would ever come when I would actually leave my abusive XH, but it did. And when I did reach the point where I was finally fed up and wasn't going to take it anymore, in return God lifted such an incredibly huge burden off my shoulders and set me free. I began making plans to leave, committed my plans to the Lord, and Rite, when He gave me an out, I TOOK IT.
My encouragement to you is the following:
If you don't already have it, get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Another book that was extremely helpful to me during those dark days and proved to be the catalyst that enabled me to find the strength/presence of mind to leave was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.
Find a competent and qualified female therapist who specializes in the field of abuse and domestic violence. The Lord blessed me with a really great one. Although she never came out and told me to leave my former marriage, she boldly declared during my second session with her that I was married to an abusive man and I needed to decide *for me* how I was going to maintain and keep myself safe while in it.
Also, with regard to your wedding vows, remember that "for better, for worse" DOES NOT apply to any kind of abuse or mistreatment. For better/for worse covers the circumstances and trials of life that are beyond our control (death of a parent or child, unemployment, illness, etc.)
Conversely, in being abusive to you, your H has already broken his vows to you and you are free to take your precious children and go. In fact, I would venture to say you owe it to your boys as their mother to see to it that they are raised in the most healthy and loving environment that you can provide. If you cannot create and maintain that environment with your H, then you need to do it WITHOUT him.
All the best,
Heymum
Wow - Thx to all who have taken the time to read & post. I really appreciate the words of wisdom. It's nice to feel that there are others out there who just understand and 'get it'.
I'm sure there is a long road ahead, and who knows where it will lead, but I am starting to "be myself" & breathe again -just by allowing myself to believe that I don't need to take responsibility or "fix things" for others (except my children).
Bless u All