How to stick to a plan..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
How to stick to a plan..
26
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 12:03pm

..So..I have been thinking that this summer might be a good time again to see if I can separate. As you all know I was ready to leave last year but wasn't strong enough to deal with DD. She is a high strung 14 year old reluctant for any new change..always being that way. Anytime I bought up the fact I was leaving, she would get real angry and it went from..you can go but I am not coming..to..YOU ARE NOT leaving. Therapist says she has learned the ways from her dad and is strong willed.

I have been given 2 choices -1) start proceedings while IN the house..benefit, DD will not see me as leaving..but it will be a mutual decision..and once she realizes that, she may get more used to it. 2) leave as planned and tell her why (as much as possible) and that

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 1:19pm

Hi winter,

I had a deadline in my head too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 3:17pm
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 4:35pm

Sienna, thanks for your reply and book suggestion. Will definitely check it out in the store or library.

As for "What's he been saying lately?

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 6:07pm
Winter, what I see here is that you are now wanting to stay to run interference on behalf of your dd. That's fine, but you aren't doing either one of you any favors by doing so. Every time you do, you soften the impact of his abuse on her. And YES, she has learned to treat you this horribly at his knee, and yes, as long as you are there, it will continue in the same vein. As harsh as this sounds, you have GOT to stop thinking about your dd and start thinking about YOU and YOUR needs. Hers are going to be met one way or the other, but NONE of yours are being met at this time. YOU CAN'T FIX HIM AND YOU CAN'T SOFTEN THE (figurative) BLOWS HE RAINS ON HER. All you can fix is where YOU are in all of this. Winter, perhaps it's time to stop "thinking" and simply DO. It's going to be hard on her no matter what, but you aren't doing her any favors in running constant interference for her. She's got to learn sometime that not everything in life goes her way and that you won't always be there to make things easier and softer for her, because that is not the way the world works. Do you think her atrocious behavior is going to be tolerated by teachers in high school, college, or by employers? Is she going to pitch these fits and make these statements to THEM like she does to YOU? I don't know about any of the other mothers here, but if my 12 year old dd acted the way your 14 year old does, she would be on restriction, not allowed to participate in any extracurricular activities or anything else besides home, school and church, until she learned to treat me with the respect and honor that I, as her mother, DESERVE, and that YOU, as HER mother deserve. Stand up for yourself, Winter. Otherwise, she's going to continue to be a 14 year old tyrant, then a 15 year old one, and no matter what you do for her, anything that goes wrong is going to be all your fault. Set the example, move out, provide her with a quiet, peaceful, safe place she can come to. Set boundaries for when she is there. If she starts to act out on you, send her butt back to her dad's, and stick to your guns. If she can't treat you respectfully, she doesn't deserve your company. Yep, it will be torture for you, but Winter, there's a whole lot more to your life than catering to a mini-tyrant who is the behavioral twin of her father. Don't you realize you've even disappeared to YOURSELF?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 6:37pm

well..as soon as DD raises her voice or says anything to me or acts selfish, I immediately call her out and she does retract. She is really not a tyrant in that sense..(she is much better than a lot of teens nowadays..) she is a top performing honors student at school and if her behavior is a bit antsy at times, I fully blame it on her reaction to her Dad. Are you referring to her behavior on 'you can NOT leave'..yes..I guess I need to just put that aside and move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 6:54pm

Food for thought:

If waiting until she is college before saving yourself keep in mind...now she is teachable and trainable and can learn there is a better way to live. When she is in college she will be programmed that this is what life is all about and you have to tollerate being abused...this will either lead to her living an abusive life which will kill you to watch happen or she will become so overwhelmed and discouraged with life because all she has to look forward to is abuse that she possibly will try to end her own life...also check her out for possibly cuting...she may have already started or may start in the near future...just saying...

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 8:35pm

..what makes you say about the cutting..cause she mentioned something to her dad ..to get his attention..let me know please..is this something based on your counseling experience..I am really scared now. Thanks

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Fri, 03-04-2011 - 10:47pm
Cutting (self-injury) is a very common form of acting out in young teen girls. They cut themselves as a way of "releasing" whatever pain they are experiencing. I don't know a whole lot about it, but it is a serious condition and if you even suspect that your daughter might be doing it, seek help for her immediately. I'm sure Kat (frustratedwith3) will be along sometime this weekend and can fill you in better. www.selfinjury.org might be a good place to start finding out about this. Don't go getting yourself all freaked out with "what-ifs", ok? HTH ;-}

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:02am

The first time I ever heard of cutting was a friend of mine, who's husband is a pastor, was going through it with her daughter. They did not have an abusive home, but she was rebelling against religion and did not know how to tell her parents she was not a Christian so she reverted to cutting. Since then it seems everyone is cutting. I had a friend at school who had some stuff carved in her hand by her thumb and I reported her because I knew she needed some serious help...she was from an abusive home as a child and an abusive husband...after reporting her I did not see her again. I truly hope I made the best choice for her. Now that I am studying counseling I am learning a little more but not enough yet. I did catch my son with some "scratches" on his arm and he tried to tell me the cat did it to him...Cutting is serious and needs special atteniton.

I was looking for my treatment plan book for teens to see if there was something on cutting but I cannot find it. I will keep looking for you.

Meanwhile:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775

will help you educate yourself on this topic.

I know you keep saying you cannot get her to go to counseling but if there is any chance at all of self harm happening, she MUST start going to counseling...Dont just settle for the first counselor she tries unless SHE says she likes that one and will work with him/her. If dd says she did not like that counselor or did not feel comfortable or any other comment which indicates she will not cooperate then keep looking for other counselors. She may feel more comfortable with a young felmale person so you might check with the local universitites to see if there is a Master's student needing internship hours (note there interns work for free in most cases).

Keep your eyes open through this as you make your next choices of staying or going and what would be best for dd regardless what she says.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sat, 03-05-2011 - 10:06am

I wanted to add

I am sorry, I did not mean to trigger a panic in you, I just thought I needed to mention it for some reason.

This is the best time for you to put on your logical and clear thinking and stay focused for yourself as well as for her.

Pages