H's Mood is Flip-flopping.....
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| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:25pm |
Hi I mostly lurk but I have responded to a couple of postings. By way of introduction my H of 8yrs decided he wanted out not long ago and decided to leave two weeks ago. I talked him into staying for the holidays for the sake of the kids (girls 4&2) - but I now regret doing that. He flipped out last weekend and threw a solid hard wood coffee table and shred his shirt and fleece vest right off of his body (he is literally twice my size)to try and punctuate his point about how angry he is. In the past he has thrown a drink at me, spit on me, is always hostile towards me (I can never be right), and the list goes on.
Bottom line, I have come to the conclusion that separating would make me very happy. I want out. I am treading a fine line right now as his recent escalation in his behaviour scares me - I need to find a way to let him believe that he is the one in control and calling the shots about wanting out. Problem is - I am having a very difficult time hiding my calm and cool demeanor. I am no longer emotional as I have been in the past, I am just rolling with things. He now wants to put an effort in but I think it is far too little and far too late. I just want out - I cannot believe that I am happy about this. Even though I will have to majorly downgrade my lifestyle, I just think I will be so much happier. I think this will not be a difficult split for me because I am no longer emotionally involved.
In order to get through the holidays I am going to have to come up with a strategy to try and minimize his outbursts (he is very scarey!) and also make him believe that splitting is not my first choice. We have talked about splitting up in the last few days and the conversations went really well - he seemed to be relieved after talking about what we want for the kids etc. He works two jobs one is a steady paycheck and the other is commissioned real estate and he keeps commenting that it isn't worth his effort to do the real estate (he did really well this past year and I suspect he is trying to set me up to accept reduced child support - I have always been the major wage earner in our family up until this year for the first time - his real estate commissions have made a sig. difference). Anyway - if anyone has been there done that - particularly finding a way to make him believe he is calling the shots when you have an exit plan/target - I would love to hear from you.
Rose

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I am nothing if I'm not practical.
Imagine how it drives people (drama queens) nuts to have someone around who always has ideas for a solution. OTOH, when there's an emergency? Guess who they call. Queen Practicality.
My job, for many years, was to assist in what is called an Evacuation. When someone needed to get out, either in an emergency/dangerous situation, or a calculated, he's-not-home situation, I would be the one to go in, grab, and go.
Life after leaving is so incredibly hard. It's a little easier if 1) there is money (duh, right?) and 2) if you have some of the things you love around you.
Many women are sad and mopey while being terrified. They wander around with a piece of something in their hand, saying, "Oh, I'll get that later when I come back to work this out."
"Oh, I'll pick that later when I need it."
"I want this to be civil."
Yeah, right. It's not appropriate for me to shake or slap anyone into reality.
If there is time, I grabbed 4 place settings, a frying pan, cookie sheet, sauce pan, and a soup pot with their tops. Cooking utensils. Condiments (salt, pepper, sugar, flower, kids' cereal, power bars, butter, catsup, mustard, any frozen food I know I can get into a freezer fast). Kids' diapers, underwear and shoes. (The wife now wanders around with a stuffed animal in her hand.) "Binkies." Anything they'll need for the upcoming season like winter coats.
Toiletries, medicines, make-up, and then on to the mom's: underwear, shoes, work clothes as outfits, including nylons and shoes. Her jewelry, (His, into her jewelry box, if I'm fast enough), an alarm clock, blankets, a pillow, coats. Managable family heirlooms like Bibles, photos, geneology stuff, quilts, and so on. You can see things that no one thinks about here, I'm sure. It takes someone like me to remind people that life goes on and having "stuff" can smooth it along. Isn't necessary, but stuff softens the edges.
Of course, there are the times I've loaded pets and kids into my anonymous white (rescue) van and the mom goes off in her SUV or mini-thing. No one wants him chasing her with the kids, so we've learned this can be the best. In the county where I live, DV is so bad that there is a foster organization for pets, because (bless them) the victims won't leave them behind. My kind of woman, to tell you the truth. Anyway, I grab pet food and them, too. If I can manage it, I grab the computer and stuff it into her vehicle.
Then.... there are women and kids we pick up standing on the side of the road in the snow.
The bottom line is again, life GOES ON. Negeotiate from a place of power, even if it's mental. You can ALWAYS give something back, but you'll never GET it from an abuser. I'll bet you know that, too. Items, or absolutely anything you want, which they can deny you is power over you.
I guess I've been thinking out loud here. But perhaps this list of stuff will have someone else thinking. There's so much more, but
I gave this up 5 years ago due to total burn-out. Ironically, some of the same women, who went back, are just popping up to leave again. Far more prepared (2 of them), but not wanting to go without me. ARrrrrrrGHHHHH! Well, 7x is the charm....
C.
Rose,
I just read the entire post that you began. I'm so glad you're getting out!!!!! My adrenaline is going and I'm not even there...It sounds like you have a good game plan. Get rid of the ammo if not the guns...I stole and hid my abuser's gun. Someone told me {incredulously] that I was stealing. Right. I didn't want to be shot ......
Take care, you are doing really well! Breathe, stay calm and put one foot in front of the other and when it's time run like hell....either literally or figuratively.
My prayers are with you.
Beth
C I appreciate your words of wisdom. I also understand more how you've gotten it....your comment about stuff sotening the edges....life harder afterward is so true. I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I have some of her stuff that I'm gathering and before I couldn't wait to get rid of it-now it pains me to part with it. I'm ashamed of my feelings but they are my feelings...thankfully not all the time. It helps to read these posts and remember why I said it was over. She hasn't contacted me...was so clearly angry /crying in our session together that I wonder if she's an abuser -like it's ALL my fault and i didn't try to save the relationship. Maybe this is her way to control and punish me, not knowing what she's thinking/feeling/doing...I get mad at myself for obsessing but it's like the minute I get happy or focus elsewhere I think she'll be back....
It gets muddled and I guess I have to keep posting and reading other's posts to keep my brain from fogging up. I'm uptight too because I go to pick up son from airport in a few hours and will need to tell him....and then e-mail my other son...I guess it's good too. It'll make it seem more real...it's like I keep thinking she'll be over like nothing happened and we'll cook dinner together....I know it's crazy but my mind is having to shift to some very new thinking/behaving....it sometimes feels almost dreamlike.
I appreciate your wisdom. How long ago did you get out of relationship and are you with someone new now? How did you trust again? This makes me cry. I keep picking abusers. I know because I grew up in incestuous home that I have blind spots but I didn't think it was this bad!
Take care,
Beth
and P.S. my friend on a farm has a barn kitty she wants to give me. My partner had told me she'd give me a cat I rescued but she kept but i doubt now she'll give me anything that would make me happy.
In the past, hasn't she ignored you, or acted like things are all your fault until you apologized? And you wondered once again, why it was you who had to? You who had to keep the peace? Just a question.
About the cat you love. Dearie, pets aren't about making you happy. It's about loving them and letting them love you, letting them be safe and asleep in your lap, and hearing them purr or coo. Letting them give you a lick or chew your eyeleashes. Knowing they'll run to the door to meet you, tails straight up in the air. I'm sure you know you can't pick up a pet with the idea that THEY must please YOU. They just are. Take 'em and know they want nothing from you but kindness and a safe haven. They innocenetly trust that's what they'll find with you -- and they're right.
How long ago did I leave? I'm actually proud that I kicked him out. Believe it or not, it'll be 20 years next year. Seems like yesterday. I think that's because I spent 10 years as a DV counselor, which keeps this stuff in the front of your brain and heart. I have been remarried for 14 years this last October. Trust? You mean *I* have to trust? {LOL} When I thought or worried about trust, it was hard. When I just let him be? It was easy.
I'll tell you something I'm not proud of, but it demonstrates how weird we can be.
I was at his house and he'd left for work. Snoopy thing I was, I started just, oh, picking at things in his drawers. Just, oh, looking here and there. I began to realize I had this sense of disappointment going on because I didn't find anything. Then, a mental hand slapped my face. What the HECK? I was DISAPPOINTED because I DIDN'T find proof he was cheating on me? HUH!! HUH!!! So the universe was starting to help me get a clue: There are good people out there.
His behavior was such that I always knew what to expect. No anger flashes, no quick, frightening physical movements, no snottiness, no silent treatment, no instant intimacy (although he was definately open to it! :), no possessiveness. Every time my suspicious mind kicked in, something would happen to show me his honesty and integrity. Everything moved at my pace, except there were times when I didn't want to be 'in charge' and he seemed to know. He was very careful OF me, but not stifiling. He looked out for me in social situations, but had no need to butt in and be in charge. I'm 5' 3'' and he's 6' 5''. He sure could if he wanted to, simply by standing by with his arms crossed!
See, I was lucky (and it was pure luck) that I ran into someone totally self-confident. Abusers are raging cesspools of insecurity. He didn't have a controlling bone in his body, because he assumed the same confidence.
Just before the wedding, I broke down in anxiety and nervousness (and fear) and asked him if he loved me or was in love with me. He looked a little perplexed and said, "Well, both of course."
Then I told him I was afraid he'd get tired of me and being married, and how did I know that wasn't going to happen.
He told me he couldn't fix my concerns, but rather I'd have to decide to trust.
IOW (in other words) he didn't try to control or convince to get what he wanted.
It was, I think now, his total honesty and SENSE that won me over. I haven't regretted a day with him, and have considered each day a blessing for which I'm VERY grateful.
So there you have it. It turned out he had his own family issues, but they were not such that they were something I felt caused worry about us. They've been things we've faced together with what I feel has been gratifying success. Both of us are very independent people, which also compliments our relationship.
But Beth, I stayed single and barely dated for 6 years. I worked on MYSELF, because I knew there was trouble in River City and I didn't want to end up in the same situation. I could see a pattern of insecurity in me, and from where it came. I needed to find out who I was, whether I even liked myself, and what I needed to do to enjoy life on my own. The minute I was happy, not looking, and kind of almost running from any demands on my time or attention? I met him.
Be kind to yourself. Avoid drama, even in your own thoughts. Don't scenario yourself into anxiety with your kids, nor into the anxiety her reappearing would cause. Just try to do some deep breathing and thinking about what YOU want to do next. You, not you and so-and-so. Alone time can be peaceful if you become aware of the quiet lack of drama can offer. It's the heart that needs to heal from the inside.
C.
(OTOH = On The Other Hand.)
Thanks C. I get what you mean about trusting-it's the down deep feeling I have with certain friends...the safe and caring feeling is simply there...i don't have to do and do and do better. There's a sense of goodwill.
You have a good point about my apologizing and "fixing" things either with outright apologies or me being empathetic to the point of losing my perspective. Ignoring me, walking out and the silent treatment have all been effective ways of controlling me. . It also scared me with past abuser because I didn't know if she was planning to kill me ...and I mean that..the prosecutors office was afraid for my safety. So I stayed because I was terrified to leave....until it occurred to me that she was still killing me slowly. New Hampshire has a license plate motto..."live free or die"....
The cat...I meant that she wouldn't give me the cat...a kind act...or any act that could result in joy or comfort on my part. I have a habit of taking in abused animals...and I love to love them and am grateful for the lessons...that love can heal. And they show me how abuse effects innocent animals by making them fearful/aggressive and it validates my understanding of the harm that mistreatment causes. The animals that share my home are loved and wanted and very important to me. The truth is their very presence is comforting/family. I have a hairy and furry and feathered and finned/shelled family :) I love them for who/what they are. The cat she has is one I rescued from a state park in frigid weather but she kept as company for a cat she already had...... but she offered when my kitty was ill to give her back since she's not a "cat person"...
Thankyou for sharing about your new relationship. In college I had a relationship where I felt safe and secure and loved -in fact we still keep in touch. I felt when I left him to explore the world, I'd left a safe place for a world of hurt. I was only 20...and wanted to "explore". Oh my.
Thanks for your inspirations. I know I need to heal and nurture me.....one day at a time. And I appreciate your words regarding the time after is very difficult-the aloneness, the pain, the self doubt.....but for today I'm taking care of me! My sons will be fine-I feel guilty cause they've been through this before
Beth
OH, good. I'm glad I misunderstood about taking the cat. :)
You even have turtles? How amazing. I just have 7 cats and 3 dogs. My husband wants horses and chickens, but we 1) don't have a fence, and 2) do have foxes out here. I can't bear to think of beautiful chickens being hurt by our dogs or the foxes.
Anyway. :)
Beth, you're actually doing far better than you might think you are. It takes focus and thought process to sit down and write. Particularly when you have someone like me who can write a novel in about 10 seconds. I don't think I'd talk so much if I didn't type so fast! Bless my mom for making me take typing in high school!
This guilt thing. You probably know you are THE only one who can make YOU feel guilty. Guilt and jealously are self-initiated emotions. Try to let this guilt thing go, please. You're not as powerful as you think, in that your issues are not going to rule or mess up your almost adult kids. If anything, I have a feeling they're going to ask you what took you so long -- or at least think it!
My sister guilts a lot. (not Quilts, Guilts. A new verb.) She worries so much about what others MIGHT do, what others MIGHT think, that she creates these weird, un-verbalize-able scenarios in her head and gets all worked up about them. I've gotten to the point where I roll my eyes and say, "You're right. You're ruining everyone's life. We're all talking about you behind your back, about how ruined we are. Then we have lunch."
So there you have it. Now I'm putting stuff up on eBay. Remember that collecting thing I mentioned? Well, I happen to have probably 70 silver, Celtic knot-work charms just sitting in a jewelry box...
C.
OMG! You're wonderful! I can understand the burn out, but having dealt with our local center and people like you are so helpful! Now even though you're out of an abusive relationship and have moved on from the evacuation help, you're here posting and helping all of us! A sincere thanks, and good for you for all of the lives you've helped change.
I'm not surprised about your description of the evacuations, I know I've been that afraid in my life, that I would've left with nothing or been to distracted to think of. This is my 1st time, other than a night at my mom's that I've left. having been through it before, I know it wont change, even if he did, I don't want him. I don't love him. I have to make myself not give into conversation if he starts one about the kids. I'll give breif answers, I'm not rude. But after Sun and Mon nights I wont have a conversation with him, he's not even worthy! Nothing he says is even true, it's threats and meant to intimidate.
There is a local woman who puts ads in the paper for toiletries and stuff for victims. This week is an ad for new baby items. I always thought that was a great idea. When we donated furniture it was for VRC, and I donate clothes when they need them. It's just so sick! I'm not surprised that some women feel the need to have you their, they need someone strong to do the thinking at that point.
Thanks for sharing!
Carrie
Well, you're kind, Carrie.
Ironically, what I worry about is the fact that some of them have been back in that home for another 5 years. From what I've seen and experienced, they're accessories to the emotional abuse of the children at that point. Because they KNOW. But that is totally my opinion, whether someone agrees with me or not! Like elbows, everyone has them.
However, like someone who tells you they're going to give up booze or drugs, or even shoplifting, you have to believe them every time. You must have confidence in them or they won't themselves. They're too conditioned.
It's interesting, isn't it, Carrie, to sit back as a 3rd party inside your head and just listen to the horse hooey coming out of an abuser's mouth? You could take one of the "After you leave" check lists and just go right down it. And they think they're so clever -- don't they read this stuff?!?
So stay strong and --- HEY! Did you see the lawyer?
Inquiring and nosey minds want to know.
C.
My son was ok when I told him...he asked why and was it mutual. It's interesting though because he was a little playfully "edgy" with me when we took the dogs out-and I said "oh my...how do I live without these comments day in and day out..." He put his arm around me and said "yeah, that's just what you need...more judgements against you"...and I wondered if he was unknowingly referring to the relationship.....
I'm a collector too. I love stuff.
Beth
Oh, great!
I'm sure that was such a relief.
He loves you and that'll be something to count on. :)
C.
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