H's Mood is Flip-flopping.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
H's Mood is Flip-flopping.....
32
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 4:25pm

Hi I mostly lurk but I have responded to a couple of postings. By way of introduction my H of 8yrs decided he wanted out not long ago and decided to leave two weeks ago. I talked him into staying for the holidays for the sake of the kids (girls 4&2) - but I now regret doing that. He flipped out last weekend and threw a solid hard wood coffee table and shred his shirt and fleece vest right off of his body (he is literally twice my size)to try and punctuate his point about how angry he is. In the past he has thrown a drink at me, spit on me, is always hostile towards me (I can never be right), and the list goes on.
Bottom line, I have come to the conclusion that separating would make me very happy. I want out. I am treading a fine line right now as his recent escalation in his behaviour scares me - I need to find a way to let him believe that he is the one in control and calling the shots about wanting out. Problem is - I am having a very difficult time hiding my calm and cool demeanor. I am no longer emotional as I have been in the past, I am just rolling with things. He now wants to put an effort in but I think it is far too little and far too late. I just want out - I cannot believe that I am happy about this. Even though I will have to majorly downgrade my lifestyle, I just think I will be so much happier. I think this will not be a difficult split for me because I am no longer emotionally involved.
In order to get through the holidays I am going to have to come up with a strategy to try and minimize his outbursts (he is very scarey!) and also make him believe that splitting is not my first choice. We have talked about splitting up in the last few days and the conversations went really well - he seemed to be relieved after talking about what we want for the kids etc. He works two jobs one is a steady paycheck and the other is commissioned real estate and he keeps commenting that it isn't worth his effort to do the real estate (he did really well this past year and I suspect he is trying to set me up to accept reduced child support - I have always been the major wage earner in our family up until this year for the first time - his real estate commissions have made a sig. difference). Anyway - if anyone has been there done that - particularly finding a way to make him believe he is calling the shots when you have an exit plan/target - I would love to hear from you.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 10:17am

10 years ago when I left my last relationship, my friend who had been the one I ran to when I managed to get away from him beating me, ended up in an even worse relationship. Not being able to talk to her and find out if she was safe was horrible! It's amazing how powerful their threats and intimidation can be to someone who has little else in their lives.

You know what I wonder? While I'm not responsible for H's behavior, I know I contributed. I could've walked away a long time ago. Why don't I see other people in these situations the same as myself? I remember my mother telling me I blame everyone else for my problems as a teenager. Little does she know, I seem to feel like everything is my fault. I don't know where that came from.

You're not being nosey, and I'm pretty much an open book anyway! That was one thing H hated, he never wanted me to discuss personal things with other people, definitely not about him. I did go to the lawyer, he's got to do a notice of appearance, RJI. I also got more papers and have a court date. Cause jerk filed for custody, support, and of course he couldn't file uncontested! Bring it! The lawyers not concerned with me losing the kids or anything, he said H's lawyer going to be difficult but not the worst he's dealt with.

thanks for the support!

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 7:40pm

Is your friend out now? I sure hope so. Geeze.

Why we stay? Well, does anyone want to believe they're that blind? We want to love, we want the white knight they are in the beginning. Then, when that knight is gone, we do anything we can to get try to get it back. We end up with no one else in our lives because of the really clever methods they use to create isolation.

Do you remember him sulking if you went with friends? Or if he came out, did he sulk and be just plain rude that you were embarrassed? Or did he charm your friends and those he couldn't were stupid, against him, bitches? If your family worried, did he dislike them, too, because they were against him? Trying to drive you two and your very special, unique relationship apart? Did he get you pregnant right away and dependant on him? Did he cause you to lose your job by coming there and being abusive? Making you miss days from taking the car or because you were too beaten up to go out in public (or someone would ASK!?!!) Did he follow you around, or make certain you ate only with him at lunch, because you were cheating?

So these are rhetorical questions, but can you see how we'd slip into that isolation? We start to believe we've lost friends, or everyone's so disgusted or mad at us they wouldn't want to hear from us. He'll use that distance by telling you they proved him right; what kind of friends are they anyway? He's always right, remember?

Look at your DH not wanting you to talk about anything! God forbid you might mention something that made him look something less than the absolute perfect husband, father, bread winner, etc. After all, he has an image in his own mind to maintain, right? Duhh. I have no secrets, either. That way I don't have to remember them! What an easy life. :)

Ahh, I could go on as I am wont to do, but there we are.

Sounds like your lawyer is no fool. :) I'm glad you went. Now things are rolling. You see what I meant, though, about having your own and how he did you an accidental favor? You need your own shark. :)

C.

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