Hubby is driving me nuts

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Hubby is driving me nuts
4
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:14am
Hi folks!!! My hubby is driving me nuts!! He just gets worse everyday. Very selfish and controlling of the finances. I've been without a paycheck for about one month, since i worked for a school (out during summer, except for a short program which i did work.)It's very difficult, not because of a lack of money(he has hoards and stashes in at least two places that i'm aware of, plus a hefty amount in the checking account), but because he is not willing to share. Now, i've always worked, plus i've gone to school on a scholarship (have not had to pay anything but gas money)that i earned.I've also always been available to the kids(always work around their schedule.)Thank goodness i'm starting a new job this week, cause the deprivation is getting unbearable. I've had to sneak money to pay the utilities, and i know i'll be in for it when he finds out. Plus the money that he has given willingly, he's keeping track of, i have to pay him back. This is for water and electricity, mind you, for our home that includes kids. And forget about medication. I take three prescription meds for a thyroid condition that i haven't even been to the doctor for in a year. I had to sneak money for that as well. I'm fortunate though, the job i'm taking has insurance that will at least pay for my meds and maybe some of my doctor visits. I've never made too much money, and he hold this over my head. However, i've made leaps and strides in my career that has put me on the right track(at least i've always felt valued as an employee though my hubby seems to see a different person than my friends and coworkers.)I feel like i definately contribute to the household as a wife and mother as well. Is he right to be so selfish? Am i wrong to expect him to help with utilites and meds for one month? This man took me and our two kids and one of their friends out for drinks and almost made the kids only get water, while he announced he was having Dr. Pepper, because it was his money. I got water, and he did finally allow the kids a coke. There's no reason for this tightwadness. How do you guys see it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:21am
Marriage is about sharing... your husband is not acting like a husband, at best he is acting like a roommate, and one that I would not like to have. What exactly does he consider to be his responsibilities in this relationship? Are you supposed to pay for everything when he pays for nothing? His miserliness prevents you from being able to afford medication that you need to stay healthy... where is the love that this man is supposed to be feeling for you?

You are NOT his slave. For every dollar that you put into your household, he should be putting in one of his own... again, marriage is about sharing. If the man you are married to is not up to that, then there is a real problem and I would start to look into moving on with your life. Get councelling...

I cannot tell you how infuriated I am reading what you wrote... please, you deserve better for yourself and your children then that man as he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:02pm

No, that is NOT right, and I've spoken with you about the thyroid before.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:39am
Thank you guys for your caring. He does contribute some to the household. He pays the rent(but i could tell you some things about this situation, too), phone, and cable(these are things he wants, and he lets it be known that the phone and tv are HIS).Every two weeks, i clean the fridge and he will buy $100 worth of groceries, no more than that, and he choses although he is not here hardly at all. I'm really don't feel like i'm at a stable enough place to support my daughter financially by myself. I know i have a job for one year, at this point. I've always been employed. One thing has always led to another(usually better)job because i do have valueable traits as an employee.Funny how it seems that at home i'm viewed as lazy and irresponsibe, but at work,and school, it's the total opposite.But i'm not yet in a stable position either. I don't suppose i'd have to support the other one because she's a teenager and is his from a previous marriage though i've always been "mom" since she hasn't seen the real one in about ten years(i really think she couldn't handle any more of his abuse towards her.)It would be hard for me to leave her more than him, esp. since her biological mom did what she did.I know that my family would be very supportive. I know that they know kind of what's going on, my parents even openly stated that they believed he was abusive after i had my daughter. They really didn't know him at all hardly before then, and still know very little of him. He does not socialize with anyone but his family, and even demands that i have nothing to do with mine, but i do behind his back. I didn't for a long time, but email is an easy way to keep in touch, and i've been working on building that relationship with my family back up. My mom has been very nice. I know that she suspects he does not help me financially, she has bought me clothes, and my kids, too, and flat out offered money if " the kids need anything." I did ask for her help once and she even gave me extra money. She was in an abusive relationship when she was much younger, before i came along, so she knows about these things, but i wouldn't listen to her when i was younger. I think this has afforded me some protection though, because he has not been physically abusive(unless you count the medical situation.) I should've know though, he didn't help me while i was pregnant, either. But everytime he sees me in a new shirt or shoes or something, or the kids in something he hasn't bought, he gets mad and questions us about it relentlessly. Just tonight i bought my daughter a burger with a free coupon i had ( i don't have any money right now)figuring my older one would eat at the restaurant she works at. Well the older girl calls the little one asking what's for dinner so she can decide whether or not to eat at work and when she hears that she had a burger, she immediately calls my hubby at work and complains. So he calls me all mad and questions where i got the money for a burger and won't believe that i had a coupon (though i mentioned it to him before.)He even said he was questioning me because he's concerned that the police will come knocking on our door because i must have stolen from someone. I am not that kind of person. I think this is interesting though: the oldest just turned 16 and is now old enought to drive. My mom has several vehicles, and offered one to my daughter. Now normally, my hubby would not allow us to have anything from her(not to mention were not even supposed to be in contact.)But my daughter got excited and of course told my hubby about my mom offering her the car. Well when he questions me about it, he's mad of course, but then goes on to say i should take them up on it because they owe me so much for treating me poorly. I thought this was kind of confusing. They don't treat me poorly, and why all of a sudden does he want me to accept a vehicle if i'm not even supposed to have a new shirt?What do you guys make of that? Well anyway, i'm sorry i seem to be rambling on, but this is how it is on a daily basis, several times a day. It's like i have to defend myself for normal things. It's always scary to leave, i've never been completely on my own since i was so young when we married. I feel like i don't have those basic life skills to be on my own. BTW, blueliner, i do have a dr's appointment this week because my new job provides insurance. I still owe quite a bit, but he lets me make payments, and hopefully my insurance will help alot, i know it will pay for my meds at least. My dr always asks me if my hubby and i get along, i have terrible anxiety probs that have been so hard to relieve. He must suspect, but it's so hard for me to say anything. I'm shy, and i just don't know how to really answer that question because it's really not an issue of not getting along if you know what i mean. It's really hard for me to ask for help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 1:06am

If you don't feel comfortable telling him, print out your post and give it to him to read.

CL-Blueliner4