HUGE MISTAKE - HELP HELP
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HUGE MISTAKE - HELP HELP
| Sat, 09-23-2006 - 12:31pm |
Last night when I got home from work, I had a letter stuck in my door from my abuser. It was pretty much a rant of all the things he had been complaining about me before he walked out of my apartment 3 weeks ago. It was obvious that he was "shouting" in his letter because he has tons of !! and large letters. The gist of the letter is that he is mad at me for not "stopping by" or calling him after he walked out of here. And saying that he doesn't understand why I wasn't staying over at his house all the time like i guess a "normal" girlfriend would. And how come I never want to go out socializing with him, etc. etc. He basically gave me the same crap about how I live in my own little world and that nobody will ever want me. Honestly, I kind of laughed when I first read the letter becuz I could hear him screaming at me again through it. Well, I tried calling him twice on his cell phone requesting an adult discussion about this. He never picked up his cell phone. I should have let this go, but of course I didn't. this morning after I left the gym, I called him. he didn't answer. I was somewhat close to his house, so I drove over there. WHAT A MISTAKE. I have no idea what his point was of writing this letter. I thought maybe it was a "backwards" way of trying to talk about stuff. However, when I got there, he was rude and said he didn't want to talk about it and to leave. I just stood there in shock. he said that he said all he had to say in that letter. And he kept saying that he is p*ssed. I told him that I assumed that he was already hooking up with another girl and he said "I'm trying." (?????) I just shook my head and started to walk to my car. And a couple of his friends were pulling in and got to see the tail-end of this scene. and I like this particular couple, but I couldn't even look at them. Why did he write the letter????? Dummy me - I took it as a tool of communication, that he wanted to talk about stuff. And now I am upset all over again and feel so STUPID. I don't know what his point was of dropping off that letter at my doorstep. I guess maybe that was his way of telling me to get lost for good. but that isn't what the letter said. He left things saying "i don't want to talk to you about this right now because I am tired" and I was just CRUSHED because it has been 3 weeks yesterday and I was actually starting to feel better inside and to get to a healthier feeling kinda place. and then I took the bait with this stupid letter and it started crap up all over again. I am sick over this!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone makes mistakes... but you learn from them:
"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." Hugh White (1773 - 1840)
I have made many many mistakes with my abuser. Believing him when he would change, giving him chance after chance to change and get better... even contacting him right after we split. I have learned from them. Might have taken a long time, but I learned from now and now I have experience. Mistakes are only life experiences.
Do not give yourself a hard time about going and trying to talk to him. Do not bring yourself down. It is not worth it. I would have done the same thing as you. I find it funny, because that is something my abuser would do. He would write me a letter or soemthing and then as soon as I went to talk to him, he would say he doesn't want to talk. Well why did you leave the letter anyways? You can only talk to them when THEY want to... it drives me nuts! It is always about them!!
You will get thru this. I started to write in my journal and I was keeping track of Day 1 when I did not speak with my abuser. It really helped me. I started becoming more proud of myself if I got to day 2 or 3. Yes I did have to start over a couple times. It does take time...
Keep you head held high - you will get thru this!!
Lauren