To Hurtylots and Everyone
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| Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:06pm |
Hi Hurtylots and Everyone:
I have been lurking on this board for several months and have been getting up the nerve to post my story. Yours first post is the one that got me to respond. After reading your recent post I am even more convinced that your husband and mine are cut from the same mold. Coming here was a revelation. I see my husband in almost every post on this board. I thought he was just hard to get along with and I just went along taking the good with the bad. But this has been going on for 26 years and steadily getting worse. It wasn’t until my girls grew up and started asking questions about why I let him treat me like this and why don’t I leave him that finally forced me to wake up to what I had. I hated my marriage, I didn’t love my husband. Years of insults, battering, scare tactics, pushes and shoves, threats of violence, twisting my words around, making me seem like I was the bad person... I didn’t understand why he would get mad when I was sick. I was hardly ever sick But it was because he wasn’t going to get what he wanted from me then. And on and on. At first I was hurt, especially the first time he hit me. This was my best friend in the world. Then I got angry and resentful. Finally my feelings for my husband were dead. Like you say in your first post, hurtylots, I now feel dead inside. I can’t stand to have him touch me. Just like yours, he accuses me of using him, not loving him, putting my job and everything else ahead of him, etc, etc., so I can respond to your post by saying that yes, it makes perfect sense to me what your husband does and what you are feeling. Yes, I feel that he is killing me little by little. I feel like I am alone and no one can help me.
A few weeks ago I was so desperate - he started a rampage and I was so scared I went off to work before he knew, to get away from him. He found out and started calling my office, I would not answer the phone because I knew what he was going to say. He was going to threaten suicide again. He enlisted the help of one of my co-workers and my mother when I wouldn’t answer the phone. Finally, I had to answer and, of course, he started making his threats. He was going to hang himself and I wouldn’t find him right away. He left many messages on my machine about doing it. Then he was going to drive at 100 miles per hour until he crashed. He has threatened similar stuff before. If I don’t respond he gets more desperate and the threats get worse. He made a noose in the garage and when he finally got me home that night he staged a suicide attempt in front of me. Of course, I pleaded with him to stop. I really think he is too big of a coward and phony to actually go through with it, but since I don’t know for sure just how messed up in his head he really is and for the sake of my children, I plead for his life. And I know these are tactics batterers use to let their victims know that there will be dire consequences if they try to leave.
That was the day I called the dv hotline. They want me to come in and discuss what I can do but I am so afraid that he will find out and his reaction will be extremely violent. I want to walk away from this marriage more than anything. But like you, hurtylots, I can’t bring myself to do it. My reasons are first and foremost, fear of what he will do, then dragging my children from their home, and losing my house if he does not pay the mortgage out of spite, and guilt both for not sticking by him - even though he does not deserve it after how he has terrorized and punished me - and breaking up my family. I have 5 children, three in college and a 16 and 13 year old at home. The 3 girls (22,21,16) want me to leave him. The two oldest can’t stand to be in the same house with him and the 16 year old hates him more than anything, says he messed up her life, declares that all men are abusers and does not want any part of them and begs me to leave him. She is terrified that he will kill me. Just recently my 18 year old son totally surprised me by blowing up when he heard his father trashing me. I think he has finally had enough too. Up to now he tried not to take sides. The only one who is going to be torn I think is my little 13 year old son. He still loves his father very much and worries about him constantly. He knows that his treatment of me (and our whole family) is wrong and he still does not understand my cold attitude towards my husband behind his (husband’s) back. I don’t know how much to tell him. He doesn’t want to hear any of it. But I want him to understand that this is not something I do lightly and that people who love you don’t treat you this way and that there should be consequences for hurting people the way that his father does. I think, as my daughter accuses, that my husband has subtly brainwashed him into thinking he is the victim. He has also tried on the older kids, but they do not buy what he is selling anymore.
My husband has gotten a lot worse in the past 2 years, including physical beatings and terrible sexual humiliation and I am really afraid. And my children don’t even know the half of what he does to me. I could go on and on. What if he completely loses it when his hands are covering my mouth and nose (one of his ways to get me to shut up when I try to speak when he doesn’t want me to). I can’t tell anyone I know about what he does either, for fear that he will find out and punish me.
Well, I certainly made this long. I had intended to post my story separately, but just couldn’t stop once I got going. I could use some words of advice and comfort from those of you who can relate. By the way my husband is an attorney and this complicates my situation since he works in family court all the time. When the dv person in my area suggested that I would need to file an order of protection I told her I don’t know how I can do that. How would it look if one of the judges that my husband goes in front of weekly (and with whom he has a sterling reputation) has to sign an order of protection against him from his wife? Removing myself from his life would make him crazy, and then add ruining his reputation that he has built up for over 25 years - how do you think he’d react to that. I don’t know how I can ever protect myself and my children from him, because I know he will emotionally abuse them to get at me. One way he has already done this is to cut his wrists, let it bleed on the floor for me to find and then bandage his wrists and let my 13 year old see the bandages. I think that is so despicable.
And since he is an attorney he knows his way around the law and can also, like most abusers, be totally charming and make people believe it. I still even catch myself falling for it, and after all I have endured from him!
One more thing: on the checklist of 122 items, his score is an 84.
I realize that I don’t have a marriage and I am not a wife, just his victim. Is there any way to help me, I am running on empty.

Oh My Gosh!!! Isn't it amazing that even the most prestigious of professionals can be so abusive...and know and use the law to their advantage? Please, DO NOT let that discourage you because eventually his true colors will show through...Trust in that!!!
I agree that leaving your abuser is the smartest thing that you can do. I myself have been "out" for four months and find it gets easier and better everyday. The tears and fears are few and far between now (although I cried rivers at first), and my kids seem to be calmer too. Can it be that they knew...I shudder to think.
Definitely get counseling for your son and for yourself. There are so many avenues that you can travel and so many rainbows for you to see. Take care of your family and yourself, and do it as soon as feasible. You won't regret it. I'll be saying some prayers for you tonight!!!
Hi Stuck -
You got a couple of really great responses.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi stuckmom and welcome,
It is definitely time to unstick yourself no matter what the cost. I don't know what state you live in, but if it is a community state you will get half no matter what.
I was married for almost 27 years and can tell you I lived the life you pretty much live now. The last couple of years were the absolutely worst. It was like living in some sort of scary movie and you were certain that the ending was going to be the downfall of you. Wendell is a school teacher and very involved in our son's sport activities. The world around us thought he was the greatest guy in the world.
You are married to a smart one like mine that can twist scenarios that almost make you believe that somehow you did something wrong. After a while you just accept it and go on trying to keep yourself intact. Eventually, they wear you down to almost nothing. You are fortunate to have your children on your side. Wendell went even further and turned my two against me. He had a child from a previous marriage that he pretty much pretended didn't exist. I was the one that took care of him when we had him. For this reason he made it his mission to prove that he was the "best father" to my two and that I was the incompetent one.
We attempted joint counseling. Things only got worse. I then decided I needed my own counselor (thanks to this board) and started calling around to find one that was familiar with DV. I took this counselor 20 minutes to tell me to get out and get out now. I have been free for 14 months.
Wendell used every rule in the book to break me. I had to go to court to keep him off the property. My children treated me like I had some trasmittable disease. I was devasted. My counselor and attorney were my life line. They walked me through every crisis and told me what to do. I couldn't think for myself, so I just put myself on autopilot and listened to them. So make sure to get people you trust.
Wendell never actually threatened suicide but would just tell me how when he was coming home from work he just wanted to drive his vehicle off a cliff....darn it no cliffs on the way home.
I can't promise you an easy ride on this one, but I will tell you it is well worth the trip. Right now all your thought processes are about him. What he will say, what he will do, etc. Changing that train of thought will take lots of time. When you finally are able to break that part, then you are left with yourself and have to pick up the broken pieces and start putting them together. I'm still working on some of the pieces, but am so proud of the ones that I have gotten in place.
Don't worry about what other people will think. They will think what they want and there is nothing you can do about it. Of course he will have his little group of allies, but don't let them get under your skin. He will tell them what he wants them to hear.
One important note is leave all the children out of this mess for now. You have to go it alone for a while. I was given this advice and today I am so happy that I listened. They have no memories of me downgrading their DNA donor. Ok, now my 23 year old and I have had a few talks, but they are not filled with hatred or fear. They are fact based and I make sure that I keep the truly gory details to myself. Like it or not that is their father and using them as a sounding board will only hurt them in the long run.
Right now my daughter has so many health problems...all stress related because of this idiot. He even has her working the divorce...talk about sick.
So, 14 months later....here I am, intact, adjusting to living alone, but at peace. I have some great friends and my children and I are building a closer relationship that he cannot manipulate. They are seeing the real Terry and I'm not so bad.
You can do it. He is only a lawyer and there are tons of them out there. I had made a comment to my attorney about how I heard Wendell had gotten this great attorney. Well, in this state they are assigned #s. There were 5,000 that started practice between mine and his. So him being a lawyer is only a detail.
I'm sitting here routing for you!
Terry